


I am a rock

by it_is_bitter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel takes care of you, Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester are Big Brothers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Castiel, Rape Recovery, Reader-Insert, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Winchester Sister, basically this fic is not going to be filled with sunshine, so its a different form of self-harm, the reader goes and seeks out trouble, to hurt herself through others, whats new there?, you need a damn hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 13:04:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 57,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4565670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/it_is_bitter/pseuds/it_is_bitter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are Dean and Sam's sister, and you are hiding things from them. Mostly because you are the rock the boys depend on being happy, thats your job. But then you meet Castiel, and you find that despite your best efforts, you can't hide anything from him. And it is damn inconvenient.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

The buildings still blocked out the sun, throwing shade onto the street. The cracks still spider webbed across the sidewalk, and the wind still blew pieces of trash across the ground. Everything was the same. The only thing different here was me. I was the one to blame for making this street I had walked a thousand times feel so foreign. My fault.

Laughter drags me out of my head, and I turn to smile at the sound. My cheeks feel stiff, unnatural, but nobody pays attention to that.  _Breathe in. Breathe out. Don't flinch._

I follow movement out of the corner of my eye, still laughing along with my friends. Mother with two children, not a threat, and my shoulders ease. But I'm looking the wrong way as we round the corner and don't see the hand that snakes behind me to grab me through my jeans.

There’s laughter again, but it’s deep and harsh and leaves me frozen for an instant. My eardrums ring with it, slap the sound waves against my skull ‘til it hurts, and I'm advancing before he's even taken a single step.  _Quick movements, don't leave time for counterattacks. Grab at the wrist, twist until there’s resistance, then twist a little more._ _Wait ’til the knees buckle trying to escape the pressure,_ _go for the vulnerable areas._  My eyes refocus when the man yelps and flinches in my grip, but I don't let go.  

I can hear my heartbeat and nothing else; everyone is silent and still, watching me. I track their movements in my peripherals, but don't waver my gaze from the man kneeling before me. My throat felt too tight to swallow a moment ago, but it still works well enough. "Don't  _touch_ me." He tries to struggle away, gasping, but I grab a handful of his hair and yank until his eyes meet mine. I want him to  _hear_  me.

 “Touch anyone else like that and I’ll break it.” I twist his wrist further, feeling it shake in my hands from the strain, and feel a little sick at the fear I see in his eyes. “Do you understand me?” He nods immediately, so I let go and step away from him, keeping a safe distance from his group of friends. He scrambles to his feet, not looking away from me, and I hate his eyes on my skin, feel them almost as strongly as his hands. "I keep my promises."

His flinch is so small, I only catch it because I'm monitoring his every twitch, and then he shakes himself off and falls in with his friends who shove at his shoulders, laughing. "Oooohh, you just got your ass handed to you, bro!" “Crazy bitch.” And then they're gone, and I wish I were too. I'm trembling and I hate that, close my eyes, try to breathe through it. But the darkness behind my eyelids is full of memories I thought I'd long buried, and when I open them everyone is too close. Hands reach for my shoulders and I flinch away from them hard, almost falling down. I don't stop moving from there, backing up a few steps before I turn and run away. I run until the calls of my name and "What's wrong? What happened?!" don't reach my ears, and then I keep going. My lungs burn, breath stuttering at the sharp tearing across my ribs that turns to warms drops down my skin. And I welcome it, hold on to the pain while it drags me out of my head, step by step. 

Faces blur past me but I don't see them, not really, just make sure they stay far from me. I turn down an alley and then stumble into the wall, unprepared for my ankle to give out without warning. The brick is rough and uneven and it scratches my palms when my legs buckle and I slide to the ground. I rub my hands on the concrete beneath me, anchoring myself to its steadiness, and give the alley a cursory glance to ensure it’s empty before bowing my head between my knees and taking a slow breath through my nose.  _Breathe in one-two-three-four, hold for one-two, Breathe out one-two-three-four. Breathe in-_

“Are you alright?” My head snaps up, one hand clenching into a fist, the other pushing against the wall to get my feet back under me, careful when distributing weight to the damaged one. It’s a man, mid twenties, taller than me, medium build. Threat. 

“I'm fine, thank you.” He starts toward me but stills when I automatically shift backward to keep the distance between us.He has the advantage here, my stance weaker with my ankle, muscles tired from the few miles I ran. I scan over his body, looking for weaknesses, and watch him take a step back, watch him curl his shoulders in, make himself smaller. My eyes flit up to his face, look for lust, for aggression, but there’s only concern. No, not only that, his eyes are careful. He's watching me too.

"Are you certain? You're favoring your right foot." His voice is deep, deeper than I'd expect from his face, but it doesn't grate on my ears like that other man's did. He doesn't move forward slowly as I expect him too, staying statue still, only sweeping his eyes up and down, obviously scrutinizing me for something.

"Weak ankles. It'll shake out in a sec." His eyes narrow at me, head tilting just a few degrees to the right, mouth quirking down in the corner, and despite myself, I shift beneath the stare, almost uncomfortable lying to a perfect stranger.

“It looks more serious than that from where I’m standing. I can examine it for you if you want.”

“That’s really not necessary, and I have to get going anyway, but thank you.” I turn slightly, keeping him in my sight, ears hyper-sensitive to any possible tap of leather soles on blacktop. With my first step my ankle gives out on me again, pain shooting like lightening all the way up my leg, and I hear quick footsteps getting closer behind me. I spin around a little unsteadily with arms held high, defensive, but when he grabs me its gentle, and his fingers wrap around my elbows, not my wrists as I expect.

“I will not harm you, but I need you to sit down now. Gently.” I jerk backwards from him, but that only makes my balance more off-kilter and he takes advantage of my stumbling to lower me to the ground, hands firm and inescapable. “ _Back off._ ” I spit the words at him, voice low and deadly, but he doesn’t even flinch, merely removes his hands from my elbows in favor of hovering them over my ankle, eyes pinning me in place.

“My name is Castiel and I’m a doctor. I promise you, my only intention is to help. I need to look over your ankle now.”

“I don’t need help, fuck off.” The ground is the worst place to be, but he’s on the ground too, equal footing even if its shitty footing.

“I don’t believe you’re in any kind of state to realize the extent of your injuries. Did you know you’re bleeding through your shirt right now?” Automatically my arm curls around my midsection, trying to shield it from his eyes even though he’s already seen. “You need medical attention.” I made the wrong assessment earlier. Man, mid-twenties, taller than me, medium build. _Annoying._

“I’m fine.”

“Clearly not.” I roll my eyes, pushing him backwards lightly with my other foot.

“Alright Doc that’s enough. Why don’t you just help me up and I’ll be all set to be on my way.” His mouth twists unhappily, but he looks hesitant to hold me down. He holds out only a second when I start to struggle upright on my own before reaching for me again, one arm curling around my back and the other cupped under my elbow. And I let him because- well I’m not really sure why I let him.

“There, good as new.” I smile, clapping him on the shoulder, which seems to startle him a little bit, making me smile wider. “Thanks Doc, much obliged.” I wink at him and turn to leave, more comfortable with showing him my back now, but he hasn’t let go of my elbow and I don’t get far.

“It will be dark soon, especially at the pace you’re moving. I’m not leaving you vulnerable to attack.” I turn my head towards him, grinning.

“Oh, are you my protector now? Thanks sweetheart, but I can handle myself.” Gently, I pull his fingers off my arm, moving away from him again. I try to be careful with my ankle, pressing down tentatively. It hurts worse than before, a deep swelling ache that turns sharp with the slightest twitch. I need a few trial steps to figure out how to walk on it right, but I don’t get more than one before arms are around me again, holding me up.

“I have no doubt you are capable of caring for yourself, but this is hurting you. Please let me fix it.”

“Castiel, I don’t-“

“Please.” He’s close to me, in my space, but for some reason it doesn’t matter. He’s got his head bowed, making it level with mine, and there’s pain replacing the carefulness I saw in his eyes earlier. I don’t want him to hurt.

“Alright.” He doesn’t look smug like Dean normally does after he wins an argument with me, in fact his expression doesn’t change. “I have a first aid kit in my car, can I take you to it?” There’s that carefulness again, it doesn’t escape my notice that he’s phrased it as a question, not a demand. Its still pretty light out, and the parking lots here are right in the middle of the foot traffic. My left arms in a cast, but my right hand is my strongest anyway. I’m fairly certain I could fight him off, close quarters works in my favor right now.

And I believe him when he says he wants to help me.

“Yeah, how far is it?”

“Too far for you to walk, I’m going to pick you up now.”

“You- what?!” Arms slip behind my knees and around my shoulders, and then I’m locked in snug to his chest, caught off guard by the smell of honey and trees and rain. “Put me down right now! I’m too heavy!” I could struggle, but I don’t really fancy being dropped, so instead I’m clutching at his shoulders, fingers digging into his skin.

“I’m not going to drop you.” He sounds insulted, and I feel his hands move to secure me further. “I don’t want you putting anymore stress on your ankle until I can assess the damage.” My hands relax a little bit, smoothing out the fistfuls of trench coat I’d crumbled in my fist, because his voice is smooth and even, breathing calm, not labored. Castiel is strong.

“My cars the blue Subaru, right over there.” I want to believe he means well, but I know better than to trust blindly. Unconsciously, I press myself closer to his chest, away from the potential threat we’re walking towards, whole body tensed and ready for any kind of quick movements. It takes me a few seconds to recognize he’s stopped walking 100 feet from the car, and a few more to glance up at his face. He’s already looking at me, waiting.

“I will not harm you, I swear it.” I watch him. His hands are strong, but thus far they’ve done nothing but hold me up. My eyes study his, measure the concern creasing their edges, see how genuine the slope of his eyebrows is. And I believe him.

Okay.

“The trunk looks the most comfortable. Open her up.” With a gentleness I think is unnecessary, he sets me on my feet, hand fishing in his pocket for his keys. He pops the back door, and then just as quickly scoops me up again, thoroughly ignoring my squeak of protest and “Jesus Christ, Castiel. I can walk five feet.” The trunk is empty, and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, uncurling my hands from their tight fists, but I am still ready.

He sets me down just inside the lip of the car, my feet dangling out, and I lift my ankle up, trying to make it easier for him, but he shakes his head.

“The bleeding needs to be stopped first.” I glance down to where my arm is wrapped around my middle, pulling it back to see the damage. My forearm is smeared in red; itchy in the places it had dried, uncomfortably sticky in others. I see his hands hover over the hem of my shirt out of the corner of my eye and I turn slowly towards him, blinking.

“May I?” Feeling a little dazed, I nod and sit up straighter to make it easier. It’s a slow thing, his fingertips coaxing gently where my shirt had stuck to my skin, not stopping until it’s folded up to just under my bra, baring my stomach.

I hear him suck in a breath, and for the first time I see something dark settle over his features, making him look dangerous, but just as quickly its replaced by a strict concentration, no room for anything else. He’s methodical and thorough when he tears open a packet and wipes clean every inch of his hands, before putting it down and reaching for me.

Then he’s tracing along the edges of the gashes, pressing some together, and feeling the line of stitches on others. I don’t look away from his eyes, breathing through the pain slowly, in through the nose, out through the mouth.

“Most of the stitches are intact. You came close to ripping them out in some areas, but all this bleeding is from the smaller cuts around them. You just cracked open the scabs again, they need pressure to be able to clot over once more.” Digging through a duffel bag he had dragged towards him, he pulled out a roll of bandages and a smaller roll of medicine tape.

With the kind of ease that only comes from practice, he wound the cloth around my torso tightly, stopping the bleeding wherever he found it. I kept looking at his face, trusting that he couldn’t make it worse. His eyes are blue.

“Aren’t you curious?” For a moment his hands falter, before continuing their revolutions around me.

“Curiosity does not make me entitled to what you don’t want to tell me.” I tilted my head at him, pursing my lips.

“That’s a first.” His eyes meet mine for a second before flicking back down to the work his hands were doing. “Hold this for me, here.” Taking my hand, he guides my fingers to the edge of the bandage before tearing off a piece of tape and smoothing it over the cloth.

“I’m just going to clean you up a little now, once the bleeding has stopped you’ll have to re-bandage this-” His fingers graze my ribs again, “and wash the skin around the cuts with warm water. Smear on some Neosporin as well.” I nod at him, see him pick out a wet wipe and drag it softly over my stomach where tiny rivers of blood had congealed and dried, before moving to my forearm. This time I watch his hands move over my skin, shivering when the sides of his fingers brush against me. He has beautiful hands.

I’m not relaxed, but I’m not that tense either. He’s safe I think. I really really hope he’s safe.

The tips of his fingers hook the bottom of my shirt and pull until I’m fully covered again, and I blink up at him, surprised at how quick and efficient he was. Tentatively, I prod at the bandages through my shirt; it feels less tender with the extra padding.

“Scoot back further, I need to look at your ankle now.” The hand feeling along my stitches turns into a claw and I hiss a breath through clenched teeth at the sharp burn that radiates a few inches out from my fingers. He’s gonna close the trunk with me in it. Shouldn’t have believed him, so _stupid_ , I need out, need-

His hand covers mine, smooths out bent fingers until they aren’t digging into me anymore, and then he leaves it there, gently gripping, thumb rubbing circles into my skin. “It’s alright.” His voice is low and soft, sad. I flit my eyes back and forth across his face, looking for tiny tells I’ll recognize, that are familiar, but I find none of them. I suck in a breath, let it out shakily, and I don’t move. I can’t do it.

He takes his hand away and then he’s crawling in next to me, scooting back until he’s leaning against the seats, and he beckons me with a pat to the floor next to him. I could easily jump out and lock him in right now, easily run away, but I don’t. No, I slide in until there’s inches between us, and then turn and watch him with wary eyes, waiting for him to confirm this was a mistake. But he only says, “Its alright” again in that same low tone that calms my heart and moves until he’s kneeling next to my ankle.

He looks to me again, waiting for my nod before he starts taking off my shoe. I tense up, toes and fingers curling, struggling to keep stock-still. Its so swollen even the pressure of my sock is just this side of bearable, and I have to grit my teeth and turn my head when he wiggles it enough to slide it from my foot. My sock comes next and my shoulders slump when there’s no more contact on my ankle, grateful for the reprieve.

I hear Castiel breathe in sharply and I look up to see molten anger on his face that makes his eyes hard before he exhales heavily and bows his head, hand coming up to grab the bridge of his nose. “Why have you been walking on this?”

“…Would you have proposed crawling instead?” I lean forward and lift my leg up to get a better look and whistle long and low through my teeth. “It doesn’t look pretty, I will say that. I mean-” I start giggling a little, not completely sure what I find funny, “-wow.”

All of the skin wrapping around my ankle is completely black, the rest of my foot splotches of slightly lighter shades of purple and blue. It’s swollen to the point that I was forced to use my brother’s old tennis shoes, and covered with that waxy look skin takes on when it’s stretched too far.

“Don’t _joke_ about this. This is-” He cuts himself off, grasping for a word awful enough, and I smile at him. It’s kind of sweet how upset he is for me.

“What would you have me do instead? Cry about it? I can give it a shot if you really want.” He glares at me, unamused.

“I’d have you go to a hospital. You need this reset, its been healing wrong for what? A week? More? You need to be sedated, or at the very least heavily medicated. I can’t fix this for you here.”

“What makes you think it’s healing wrong?”

“ _This-_ ” He stabs his finger towards a small bump on my ankle that’s almost swallowed up by the swollen flesh around it, one I hadn’t noticed before. “should not be here! It’s a malunion, clearly, and you’ve just been making it so much worse, walking around without a cast. I can’t even imagine the pain-“ He trails off, eyes unfocused and horror-struck before he snaps his head up towards me again. “Why haven’t you seen someone for this?”

I ignore him though, head thunking backwards against the seat back, staring up at the ceiling. “A malunion? Shit.” I don’t want a limp for the rest of my life. “Wait, why can’t you fix it?” I sit up straight again, looking over at him hopefully.

His eyes bore into mine, angry lines still creasing his brow. “The pain of re-breaking it- its too much. You need medication first.”

“So its more of a won’t, not a can’t.”

 “Correct. I will not.”

“Even if I ask you real nice?” He says nothing, beginning to look wary, and I lean closer to him dropping my smile. “I can’t go to a hospital, Castiel. There are questions I don’t want to answer, do you understand?” Deep breath. “I need your help.” But he’s already shaking his head, leaning back from me like the distance will protect him from my plea.

“You can’t ask that of me. To _hurt_ you-”

“But I am. I am asking you, Castiel. Please help me.” I feel laid bare, and I’ve always hated this, being at the mercy of someone else. But I try and swallow that down, show a little of the desperation I’m feeling in my eyes because I need him to do this. “Please don’t make me do this myself.” My voice is whisper soft and I see him wavering beneath it, warring with himself.

“I can’t-”

“Doc c’mon, whattaya want me to say? That I’m at the end of my rope here? That I thought it would heal on its own, and now you’re telling me it isn’t? And I mean, I appreciate that you’re not jumping at the bit to break my bones… but I’m asking you. Trust me when I say I know what I’m getting into and that I can handle it.”

He’s still holding himself from me, looking like I just asked him to drown kittens, and I snap at him, irritated to have to ask in the first place, let alone try and convince him. “Be a goddamn doctor and help me.”

His jaw tightens, teeth grinding, and I see him breathe in deep, hold it, and exhale out his nose. He looks deeply unhappy and I think I’ve got him.

“Whatever care I deem fit for you, you’ll do it. Even if it’s a weeks bed rest. Promise me.” _I keep my promises._

“That seems a little steep, Doc. I’ll do three days tops.”

“I’m not negotiating. You will follow my instructions exactly, or I won’t set your ankle for you.” I feel small beneath that stare. Seen. I can’t lie to him.

“I have a job Castiel, I can’t just-”

“Then you can call off. I’m not budging on this, stop trying to find a loophole.” I clamp my jaw shut, glaring right back at him, but I know he’s telling the truth. He’s not budging.

“Fine! I promise!” I throw my hands up and then let them slap against the floor. “Lets just get it over with.” I turn my head away from him, hands in shaking fists at my sides and try to ignore the fear creeping up my spine, making my heart race. This will hurt.

A hand lands on my shin, and I squeeze my eyes shut tight. My hands search for something to hold onto, but there’s nothing so they turn back into fists pressing into my thighs. I feel his hands slide down until they’re gently pressing into my ankle, and I don’t think its possible for me to be more tense. I wish he would _hurry up._

“Look at me.” I flinch at the broken silence, eyes finding his quickly, a little bewildered. His face is sad again, edges soft where they were hard before. “Deep breath in for me. Hold it. Now let it go.”

His hands push and twist and any remaining air in my lungs is punched out of me. My ankle makes a sick snapping sound, and I break along with it, the world going black.

*  *  *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 <3 <3


	2. Chapter 2

It takes my eyelids a few seconds too long to respond to me, and I tense up, disoriented. My back’s lying flat instead of propped up as I last remember it, and there’s a thumb smoothing over my cheek while fingers knead my neck. I open my eyes and everything is fuzzy and out of focus, but even after a few rapid blinks its still blurry and I realize I’m crying.

My tongue feels too heavy in my mouth, but it’s the lump in my throat that makes my voice hoarse and broken. “Cas?” The thumb slows down until its just rubbing little circles around my cheekbone instead of catching falling tears.

“I’m right here. Shh, its over now, you’re alright. You were so brave.” My hand comes up to cover his and I mean to push him away and shake it off, but instead I’m clutching him closer to me, and scrunching my eyes shut tight. My ribs are broken, I know, but this hurts behind them, and its worse. To the point where I’m left gasping, trying to get a hold of myself, and digging my fingers into Cas’ hand like he’s somehow supposed to make it better.

“Shh shh, settle down now, you’re hurting yourself. Look at me, open your eyes.” He’s smiling gently at me but I see the worry in his eyes. I don’t know what he sees in mine. “Slow down, hold your breath, let it out, that’s it. No no, just stay down for now.” His other hand is firm on my shoulder, keeping me flat, and I let myself sink back into the floor. I look away from him up to the ceiling of the car, and just breathe deeply for a few moments, feeling myself calm down as the last remnants of unconsciousness leave me.

“I’m fine.” I can feel the blood that had drained out of my cheeks rush back to heat up my face, and I’m having a hard time meeting his eyes. This time when I pry his fingers off my neck and bring my elbows underneath me to sit up, he lets me.

“Wha-“ My voice cracks and I clear my throat, scrubbing my face dry with the sleeve of my shirt. “What happened? Good as new?”

Cas leans back until he’s sitting on his heels, and I don’t understand why he’s looking at me disapprovingly. “I was able to set your ankle properly, but it will need a cast if you don’t want this to happen all over again.”

I nod at him, smiling. “Alright, thanks Doc, I’ll do that.” Hesitantly I lift my leg, starting to shuffle out of the trunk, but he stops me with a hand around my elbow.

“I’m serious.” I pat his hand and look into his eyes, making my face soft and sincere.

“I know, I won’t jeopardize all your hard work, don’t worry.” I smile at him small with wide eyes, which is normally enough, but all he does is glare at me.

“You’re a terrible liar.” That makes me pull back, slack-jawed.

“I am _not._ ” My voice is high, indignant, but he just rolls his eyes at my shocked expression, unimpressed.

“Oh please, it’s insulting.

“Its- I- _I can lie._ ” I’m stuttering, floored by the _gall_ of this man. I’m a great liar, great. But he just waves his hand through the air, completely disregarding my protests.

“We’re getting off topic. We had a deal, you follow any instructions I give you in regards to your health.”

“Now hold on-”

“And you promised me.” The words die on my tongue, because he’s right. I lean more heavily back on my palms, glaring at him and not at all pleased even though I brought this one on myself.

“I’ll do a boot cast.”

“No, you’ll do a plaster cast. This isn’t a negotiation.”

“Cas—”

“I promise you I’m not the unreasonable one here. This is very bare-bones, _standard_ care.” I shut my mouth for a second to scrutinize his face, and no, he wasn’t dropping this.

“I don’t have time for this. I’m supposed to be entertaining tonight, and I gotta pick my socks off the floor.” This time I outmaneuver him and shrug out from under his hand to hang my legs out the lip of the trunk and tug on my shoes, with an excess of teeth-gritting and deep breaths for the right foot. Cas was complaining the whole time, voice getting high and sharp when I shoved my broken ankle in and pulled the laces tight, but when I tried to stand up he was very suddenly throwing himself outside of the car to block my path. His hands clamped down on my knees and I had to stifle a giggle-yelp when he squeezed my pressure points, but it had the desired effect of keeping me still.

“Don’t _walk_ on it, I just set it!” His fingers dig a little further into my thighs and I do yelp this time, laughing too hard with an arm wrapped around my ribs, and the other feebly trying to push his hands away.

“Cas! Let go— laughing—hurts!”

Immediately, he released my legs and backed up a step, hands up, before moving back beside me and trying to help. He rubbed circles on my back and tucked my hair behind my ear with his other hand. “Alright, settle down. Try to think of something not funny. Like how the bees are dying.” A sharp burst of laughter broke through my lips despite my efforts, and I curled into myself tighter, grimacing.

“Oh my god— just, be quiet.” He did, whispering sorry to me before falling silent and continuing the big circles on my back. I breathed through my nose for a few breaths, letting the traces of mirth in my chest settle down, before rubbing over the side of my torso, trying to relieve the sharp burn. After a moment I realized how heavily I was leaning into Castiel’s side and straightened up quick, clearing my throat. I opened my mouth, but he beat me to it.

“That reminds me, I’ve included wrapping your ribs at night to your care plan.” I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder lightly, turning my head away slightly so he wouldn’t see my lips twitching.

“Just point me to the nearest bus station you brat.”

“You don’t need to take a bus, I can drive you home.” That made me turn back to him, smiling gently.

“Thank you, Cas. But you’ve done more than enough for me.” I moved to get up again but this time he stopped me with his voice.

“Wait. Please let me make sure you get home safe. I won’t sleep otherwise.”

“Cas, I’ll be fine.” His face hardened almost imperceptibly before smoothing out.

“Humor me.” I was too tired for this. I narrowed my eyes at him and raised a finger.

“Just this once, don’t get used to it.” I tried to get up to walk around the car but he just scooped me up again like I didn’t weigh a thing. I thought I heard him mutter, “Impossible girl” but it could have just been him grumbling trying to get the passenger door open.

He tried to buckle me in too but I swatted his hands away, “Quit it! My hands work fine!” before he gently shut my door and then walked around to jump in the driver’s side.

“Where am I heading?”

“Just take the right here and then you go straight for awhile.” He said nothing else, apparently comfortable with silence. I leaned back in my seat, fiddling with my shirtsleeves for a moment before reaching out to the CD player and turning it on.

The music was whisper quiet at first, gradually losing the tentative notes until it filled the whole car. I stopped fidgeting in my seat, going still just to listen. When the man started singing Cas joined in softly, and the contrast in their tones just amplified the quiet sadness underlying each note.

“I’ve never heard this song before.”

“Its beautiful isn’t it? I used to listen to it for hours, over and over, losing myself in it for just awhile. Have you ever had a song like that?” He glanced over at me and I shook my head. For a moment I wanted to tell him that the only thing I could lose myself in anymore was bloody fists, but then I turned back to the window, surprised at myself, and held my tongue.

I started shifting in my seat again, the cautious calm I had been sinking into dissipating, anxious to put distance between us. Loose lips were dangerous as I well knew, but Cas just turned back to the road and picked up singing softly with the next verse.

“Take the left here. Its not much farther.” Its four o clock right now, which meant I had two hours to clean myself up and clean the apartment up. More than enough time really, but how could I hide my limp? Maybe if I wore my combat boots and laced them really tightly, it would give me enough support. But no, they knew I never wore shoes in the house—

“What’s the special occasion?”

“Hmmm?” I turned to Cas, coming out of my train of thought.

“You said you were entertaining tonight, what for?” I bristled for a moment, wanting to leave my family out of this before realizing I was being ridiculous over such an innocent question.

“Oh, I guess hosting is a better word. My family always insists on cooking for my birthday, against my will I might add, but I put my foot down about going to a fancy restaurant, so they’re just gonna grill burgers at my place instead.” I was smiling softly at the memory of arguing with Dean before Sam cut in “Its her birthday Dean, we’ll celebrate it how she likes.” Dean scowled and I stuck my tongue out at him, but I still got two forehead kisses from the both of them before they left.

“Today is your birthday?” I glanced over at him and my eyes were drawn to his hands clenched tight around the steering wheel, and his shoulders rigid against the seat.

“Despite my wishful thinking, yes it is.”

“You don’t like your birthday.” It wasn’t a question but I snorted and turned back to the window, smiling tightly.

“There’s an understatement.” He said nothing for a few moments and I was about to ask some mundane question to change the subject when he spoke quietly, voice tinged with remorse, which was strange to say the least.

“I’m sorry you’ve had such a painful day on your birthday.”

“Its just another day, Cas.” But he shook his head.

“Birthdays are meant to be special. They’re meant to make _you_ feel special.” I felt my eyes go soft. Cas was a sweetheart, that was becoming abundantly clear.

“Pull over here, right behind the white jeep.” When the car rolled to a stop, I angled myself to face him fully.

“I don’t think I thanked you Cas, not properly.” A little hesitantly I laid my hand over the crook of his elbow, trying to add some gravity to my words. He seemed to relax a little under my touch, so I thought it was working.

“I know I hinted at it, but I don’t think you actually got the situation I was in. I was going to have to re-break it myself, and I would have screwed it up, I’m sure. You saved me from a lot of pain today Cas, so don’t for a second feel guilty about it.” He turned towards me then, meeting my gaze with an inscrutable look on his face. I smiled at him and squeezed his arm before letting go and opening the car door.

“It’s been a privilege, Castiel. I owe you.” With that I saluted him and jumped out of the car. I stumbled a little, grabbing onto the car door for support and hissing through my teeth. I was just straightening up when an arm slipped around my waist and took all of the weight off my ankle.

“You have two choices. I can carry you in my arms or on my back.”

“Cas come on. I already said my cool goodbye, you’re ruining it.” I glared at him without heat, but he was unaffected, lips twitching at me and eyes twinkling.

“My apologies. Allow me to help you up the stairs to make amends.”

“You know, you’re awfully concerned about my ankle, what about my pride? You’ve just been stomping all over it left and right, I think you even ran over it with your car a mile back.” Moving me a step back, he shut the car door before smirking down at me.

“All this before I’ve even picked you up.” He bent down to put an arm behind my knees, but I put my palm on his chest to keep him at bay.

“No no no. Turn around, I choose piggyback ride.” Without comment, he did as I asked, kneeling in front of me. A little hesitantly I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, still wary of being dropped. His hands cupped the back of my knees and held me more securely in place, and then he stood up like I was just a gangly backpack. I hooked my chin over his shoulder to watch his steps and squeezed my arms a little tighter across his chest when he started up the stairs. “You’re so pushy.”

“And you are outrageously stubborn.” I shrugged, smiling. He wasn’t wrong.

“I can get it.” I batted his hands away and opened the door for us, if a little awkwardly. “Its the last door on the right.”

“Hold on—” Rifling through my pockets, I moved around on Cas’ back trying to find my key. Cas’ hands tightened, making sure I didn’t fall and I started giggling a little, still searching. “Cas! Don’t squeeze my knees!” “Then stop shifting around.”

“Got it.” Reaching over his shoulders, I pushed the key into the lock to turn it, moving a little slowly while I thought of what to say.

“Cas listen, you should probably get out of here before my brothers—”

But the door swung open to show them both already in my apartment and starting towards the door. Their faces were smiling and excited, but quickly fell to suspicious when they caught sight of us.

“Y/N? Who’s this?” I closed my eyes and thunked my forehead against Cas’ shoulder blade.

_Of course._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter the boys come in. Guess how happy they are about your broken ankle.


	3. Chapter 3

Still hiding my face, I covered Cas’ hands with my own and he obligingly crouched to put me back on the ground, though I noticed the sharp warning look he gave my ankle so I shifted my weight to one leg to stop his whining.

“You two heard dinner was at 6 right? I didn’t imagine that conversation?” Both of their eyes were narrowing at me, quickly getting over their surprise. Sam started scanning my body, looking for anything off, and I shifted so it looked like I wasn’t favoring my ankle. Dean just ignored my question completely.

“Who’s your friend?” Wow, we’re already at the crossing-arms stage, okay. I met his stare unblinking, reaching beside me to pat Cas on the shoulder.

“Boys meet Castiel, Cas these are my brothers, Sam and Dean.”

“How’d you two meet?” Dean’s eyes didn’t waver from my face, not even giving an acknowledging dip of his head to Castiel, and I saw Cas’ hand drop back to his side when he realized a handshake wasn’t welcome.

“We—“

“No its okay Cas, Dean’s being extremely rude right now, and I know you have better things to do today than be ignored. I’ll walk you out.” I turned to put a hand on his shoulder to steer him through the door, but I wasn’t used to wearing Dean’s giant ass shoes and the tip scuffed across the carpet, twinging my ankle. I didn’t make a sound, didn’t go tense for more than a moment, but it was enough.

Cas put a steadying hand on my hip and the other under my elbow, looking worriedly from my ankle to my face, and I just shut my eyes for a second and sighed. _So close, so close to getting away with it._

“Hey! What’s wrong? Let me see.” Sam came around to stand in front of me, swinging the door shut in case it wasn’t already clear they weren’t letting me leave. Dean looked like he wanted to rip Cas’ hands off me but Cas just met his glare with a steady gaze, moving closer to me, hands tightening. That was new; people normally didn’t last long under Dean’s scowl.

“Dean, knock it off, Cas is just overreacting, much like you two.” Gently, I took Cas’ hands off me and brought them back to his sides, “Which is very sweet, but unnecessary.”

“Why are you limping?”

“I’m not _limping,_ I tripped.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Y/N.” I was starting to feel a little cornered, wanted to take a step back but I didn’t dare risk another wince. My hands came up to grab my elbows, to make some sort of barrier, and then I remembered the bloodstains on my shirt and my arms wrapped around my torso with more purpose.

“Its nothing guys, my ankles just acting up today. You know how it always does this.” For a moment that seemed to pacify them, no doubt remembering the countless times I’ve showed up limping before, always with another story, but I saw their eyes flicker to Cas and then they were back to staring me into the ground. Glancing at Cas as subtly as I could, I saw his mouth twisting unhappily while he shifted foot to foot, like he was barely keeping it shut. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the boys. _Honestly._

“Enough all of you, this is my place and I say we’re dropping this.” Gritting my teeth, I tried to move past them into the kitchen, but I couldn’t help the slight stutter in my steps or the way my face went just this side of too forced to be natural.

“Yeah, we’re not doing this.” Grabbing me up before I could even flinch away, Dean cradled me to his chest while fast-walking it to my couch. My ribs protested the quick movement and I held my breath so I wouldn’t make a sound. I was a little breathless when he set me down oh so carefully, something all three of them picked up on since they clustered around me close enough to bump shoulders with each other.

Without hesitation, Dean reached out for my ankle but I wrapped a hand around his wrist. “Dean, I’m fine.”

“Shut up kid.” He doesn’t even look up at me, eyes glued to my ankle, but when he tries to reach for it again I dig my fingers in, glaring down at him.

And then another arm is wrapping around me, gentle fingers taking mine into both hands as a warm body presses against my side.

“Let us look at it, Y/N.” I turn my glare on him, but Sam doesn’t waver, and after a few seconds I cave, letting Dean’s wrist slip free from my fingers. I turn my head away and see Cas scrutinizing the three of us with an unreadable expression on his face.

I flinch a little when Dean drags my ankle into his lap even though he’s painstakingly gentle and Sam tucks me closer to his side. My ankle won’t hold their attention for too much longer, and I can’t count on the dark color of my shirt to hide the bloodstains forever, so I ask Cas to grab my blue zip-up jacket that’s in the hall closet just there, begging him with my eyes when his narrow at me. I know how against hiding my injuries he is, but he still gets it for me, and I feel so much better safely zipped in it.

“What the hell, Y/N!?” The ace bandage is still wrapped around my toes, though Dean quickly removes the rest of it, and now all the purple skin is out in the open. Sam leans over my shoulder to get a better look and I feel his arms constrict around me, fingers digging in before he takes a breath and loosens up.

“You’ve been fucking walking on this?” I’m surprised Dean hasn’t tightened his grip on my calve instead of cradling my leg like it could shatter at the slightest pressure, though it doesn’t look like its without effort. I meet Dean’s gaze, but sink into the back of the couch, already thoroughly done with this conversation.

“Yes, obviously I have. Its not that bad.” Dean sputters at me, looking incredulously at my face, down at my ankle and then back.

“You’re joking right? Sam, she’s joking right?” My head thunks against the couch, and I stare up at the ceiling rather than at either of them, doing my best to be the picture of no concern, but my heart is racing in my chest. I hate that they’re worried about me.

“Hey.” I shake my head at him, closing my eyes but Sam’s fingers pinch my nose closed and I lurch upwards, smacking at his hand and then whip my head towards him, which was exactly what he wanted. He’s smiling sadly at me, and I feel the indignant expression slip off my face.

“Lets go get you fixed up at the hospital, and we can talk about this later, alright?” I feel the blood drain from my face. This, how horrified they are right now, this is nothing. Nothing compared to what they’ll do if they see what else I’m hiding under my clothes. The doctors will ask questions and they’ll all want answers, oh god—

“Honey calm down. We’ll be right there with you, don’t worry.” Panicked, I turn to Castiel, trusting him to help me somehow even though I barely know him. He looks back at me for a moment before turning to Sam and Dean.

“St. Mary’s is just ten minutes away.” My heart sinks, breathing becoming more erratic, but then he speaks again. “I know the doctors there, they’ll take good care of her. Of course, you two couldn’t be present for the exam, confidentiality issues, but I can make sure you’re there for the cast molding.” And now he turns to me, “Because a break like that will require a plaster cast.” I can tell Cas is trying not to give anything away in his expression, but I see the concern in his eyes that tightens the corners. I exhale slowly, calming myself down. Of course Cas is right, they can’t violate doctor-patient confidentiality, of course they can’t. Everything will be fine. I breathe out heavily again.

“Shush you.” I lean forward, shrugging from under Sam’s arm. “Fine. Lets get it over with.” All three of them looked surprised that I agreed so quickly, but don’t question me.

Sam picked me up this time and I leaned my head on his shoulder, breathing through it. He kissed my forehead while Dean went to get the door before stopping and turning back to us.

“Sam we walked here. We can’t carry her the whole way, it’ll take too long.”

“We can take my car.” Both of them turn and acknowledge Castiel for the first time.

“Thanks man, we’d appreciate it.” Sam said. Dean just nodded at him, but I was shaking my head.

“Cas, come one you’ve already driven me back here. We can just take the bus, I don’t want you throwing away the rest of your day.”

“How I spend my time is my decision, thank you.” Moving past where Dean had stopped he ushered us through the door with an outstretched hand. Dean and Sam complied without another word, but I saw Dean’s lips twitching like he was trying to hide a smile.

Sam tightened his grip on me when we started down the stairs. “Y/N have you lost weight?” I tensed in his arms and very pointedly didn’t turn my head to look at him.

“Yeah, I was gonna mention that. You’re too light kiddo.”

“Careful, boys. Tread lightly when mentioning weight to a lady.” Thankfully we reached the car then and they got preoccupied enough with setting me down that they let it drop.

Sam stayed in the back with me and Dean rode shotgun. I watched him while Cas drove, still singing softly to the sad song, and smiled at how obviously Dean was restraining himself from complaining about the music.

I was flushed red by the time we stepped up to the nurse’s station, still in Sam’s arms as per his insistence. Everybody’s head turned when we walked through the doors and then too many eyes followed me while Sam walked, curious about what injury would warrant being carried. I wanted to hide under blankets from the undeserved concern but the only thing close enough was Sam’s over shirt and it wasn’t near big enough for the both of us.

The call nurse sat back down in her chair after I explained there was just something wrong with my ankle, nothing life threatening, and then she smiled at me and gave me some forms to fill out while we waited. “Shouldn’t be too long dear, we aren’t too busy today.”

Dean’s eyes wandered a little too much when I got to the ‘Any chance of pregnancy’ question so I elbowed him and then shifted the clipboard closer to me, hidden from nosy brothers. He offered to take it up to the desk when I was finished but I just narrowed my eyes at him and gave it to Cas instead. “Oh sure, trust the guy you just met over your own brother. That’s smart.” “If you can name one time you didn’t start poking around my things the second you thought I wasn’t paying attention, I’ll eat my thumbs.” He started listing multiple instances on his fingers, all of which I had counters for, before eventually conceding ungracefully. “Well, I’m your big brother, and you never tell us what’s going on with you. How the hell else was I supposed to look out for you?” I rolled my eyes, smiling, and stopped pestering him.

We all flipped through the magazines for a bit before getting bored, except Cas of course, who seemed to have endless patience. I saw Cas’ lips twitching at our incessant deep sighs and tapping fingers before he laid down his magazine, apparently having had enough of us. “Would anyone be interested in a game of cards? You all know rummy, I hope.” We didn’t of course, our childhood didn’t allow for many fun cards games, except for the gambling ones of course.

Cas taught us the rules of the game, and seemed quietly impressed at how quickly we all mastered it. After a game or two Sam and Dean broke the deck in half to have their own game, scowls steadily deepening as they got more competitive. Cas never seemed put off by losing to me, merely smiling at my applause and admittedly very unsportsmanlike behavior. I asked him why the hell he carried a deck of cards in his coat and he just smiled again saying, “Habit” before lying down three sets of triples and winning the game.

“Y/N Winchester?” We all looked over to the hallway where the nurse was smiling at the four of us sitting on the ground. “We’re ready for you now.” Dean picked me up this time while Cas and Sam gathered up the lose cards and I didn’t make any sort of fuss. I was sure that the doctors and nurses would be firmly on the boy’s side in this instance.

The nurse led us to exam room 3; smiling sweetly at me and assuring us the doctor would be in soon before shutting the door behind her. She wasn’t kidding because not thirty seconds later a dark haired woman with a confident smile already in place walked in, clipboard in hand.

“Now which one of you beautiful people is my patient?” I smiled at Cas’ blush and waved my hand a little. “That’d be me.” She took my hand, shaking it firmly and smiling wider. “Pleasure to meet you gorgeous, you can call me Pam.” She winked at me and I gave her a real smile, charmed.

She dragged out the stool from under the examination table I was sitting on and straddled it before flipping through her papers.

“Alright miss Y/N, we’re gonna get you fixed up. Boys I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. Make sure they don’t get into any trouble Castiel.” She turned to smile at him and he nodded his head, “Of course Dr. Barnes.” Dean and Sam were both tight lipped, looking non-too-happy and they both stopped at the doorway to look back at me.

“We’ll be right outside if you need us, Y/N.” I smiled at them, trying not to look as relieved as I felt so I wouldn’t hurt their feelings.

“I’ll be fine guys, don’t worry.” They still hesitated until Cas put a hand on each of their shoulders and led them out. For a second, I almost wanted Cas to stay, but I ignored the urge and turned back to Pam.

“Lets take you down to X-ray first Chicka, so I’m not poking at you blind.” Taking a wheelchair from the corner of the room, she gently helped me into it and then started zigzagging me quickly to X-ray until I was laughing and clutching at my side, an action I saw her eyes zero-in on.

“So where am I aiming this thing? Just your ankle or somewhere else too?” I froze for an instant before meeting her eyes and smiling.

“Just the ankle, thank God.” She dipped her head slowly like she didn’t believe me, but didn’t press the matter.

Taking the x-ray was painless, but when Pam came back with the pictures in hand her mouth was pinched like she was worried about me. She didn’t rock the wheelchair on the way back to make me laugh, waiting until the exam room door was closed safely behind us before speaking.

“There any reason you let this heal for a week before coming in? After re-breaking it I should say.” I didn’t tense this time, already expecting her to know.

“It was a great reason.” She waited, expecting me to go on and then sighing when I said nothing.

“And the ribs?”

“They’re bearable, I’m keeping an eye on them.”

“Yeah I’m sure you’re doing a great job at that, where did you go to med school again?” I smile at her.

“Let me worry about that.” She huffed at me, rolling out the stool to sit down in again.

“Listen sweet stuff, my jobs to take care of you alright? But I need you to work with me a little bit here. Is somebody hurting you?” I pressed my lips together before reminding myself of the oath she was bound to. She couldn’t betray my trust if she wanted to.

“Just past tense.”

“Do I need a SANE kit? Did you come in contact with any of their bodily fluids?” _Flesh makes the mistake of coming too close to my mouth and I clamp down hard, sinking in my teeth. Blood floods my mouth before hands shove my head into the ground, grinding asphalt into my face. Boots slam into my sides and it feels like I’m breathing fire now, but they don’t dare try to enter my lips again._

“There was some blood. They wore condoms, didn’t want me reporting them.” It’s a struggle to keep my voice even and I curl my fingers into fists, dig my nails into my palms until my hands stop shaking so much. When I glance back at her, Pam’s staring at my hands, anger tensing in her jaw and I make myself flatten them against my thighs. She takes a deep breath before scribbling down notes on her clipboard.

“Well, since the bastards bled on you somewhere, its possible you could have contracted something. I’ll take a urine and a blood sample from you today to run some tests and call you as soon as I get the results. You sure I can’t take a look at those ribs?” I shake my head, I’m not paying for another x-ray just to have them confirm what I already know.

“Stubborn. Fine, but you let those gorgeous fellas look after you, and down the road when you tell them about all this and they tell you that not a lick of it was your fault, you believe them capiche?”

“Yes mam.”

“Blech, don’t call me that, makes me feel old. Alright, lets get that ankle fixed up at least, I’ll call in the models. Castiel isn’t related to you is he?”

“Nah, blue eyes skipped our branch of the family. Why?” She turned back from the door to wink at me. “Because that, honey, would be a damn shame.” She disappeared through the doorway for a moment and I breathed out the tension from my shoulders, leaning back in my wheelchair. This was alright actually, I’d been too afraid of knowing to go get tested on my own and now that the boys knew I wouldn’t have to hide a limp from them for the next few weeks. Everything was fine.

The boys came in looking exactly like they had spent the last twenty minutes pacing and running their hands through their hair. I didn’t really have a template for Castiel, but surely his hair wasn’t naturally like that.

“What do you guys think of purple? A nice complement to the wrist cast, but it’s a strong color too, you know. Royalty wore it. Actually never mind don’t tell me, I’m getting it anyway.” Both of them seemed to relax a little bit at my teasing and the fact that nobody was telling them I was secretly dying somehow. Castiel was covertly trying to get a peek at my x-rays which Pam took and whapped him over the back of the head with, “Novak, behave. I’m sure if you ask nicely your lady will tell you all about it.” I laughed, smiling over at Castiel.

“Open book here, Cas.” He narrowed his eyes at me, rocking slightly on his feet like he wanted to move closer but wasn’t sure if he should.

“One of you muscles go pick her up and put her on the exam table so I can wrap up that ghastly foot already.”

“That’s really not necess—“ But Castiel had already stepped forward, before Sam or Dean could even move and was leaning over me. Gently he curved a hand under my thighs and another around my back waiting for me to wrap my arms around his neck before lifting me effortlessly to the table. He sat close to me, holding one of my hands in both of his and squeezing, telling me apologetically, “You may feel some discomfort as Dr. Barnes positions your foot for the cast.” And I don’t know it might have been the strength in his fingers or the concern in his eyes, but I didn’t try to brush him off like I was fine without someone holding my hand like a little kid. I couldn’t, so I just squeezed his hand back and avoided the two sets of eyes I could feel boring a hole through our hands from across the room.

Cas was right, and I had enough self control to keep my face blank and my shoulders relaxed at the jolts of pain running up my bones while she wrapped my ankle in first cotton and then plaster strips, but not enough to stop myself from clutching at Cas’ hand. He gave no indication that I was cutting off his circulation, just kept a sharp eye on Dr. Barnes’ work and rubbed circles into my sweaty palm with his thumb.

Pam patted my knee when the last strip was in place. “Hard parts over, now its just gonna feel a bit warm while it hardens. You’ve got about 6 weeks in the foot prison, and for the first 12 hours of that you’re gonna keep it elevated. And—” She talked louder to stop the protest on my lips, “you are not to walk on it for the next 48 hours. I want you back here in three weeks for a check up, and I don’t care if one of you,” She turned to stare down Sam and Dean but I saw her eyes flicker to Cas for just a moment, “has to drag her here, I expect my patient front and center.”

“Not a speck of water on this thing. That means no swimming, no dancing in the rain, and sadly it also means you need to wear a bag in the tub.” Great.

“Is she alright to shower on her own?” I whip my head towards Sam, betrayed and plenty mortified. He saw the face I was making at him and just smiled.

“Don’t give me that look, Y/N. I’m not gonna let you fall and break your neck just for the sake of pride.”

“Sam shh. No! Just shh.” I held my finger up to him and if he were closer I would be closing his big mouth with it. “Doc please tell them that I am a grown woman and can shower without my ridiculous brothers watching me.” Both of them rolled their eyes and Pam laughed at the three of us.

“Shower, no. I don’t want you slipping and breaking your other leg trying to keep this one dry. You can take a bath just fine though, just hang your leg out the tub, with something to support your foot of course.” I looked heavenward and muttered to myself, “There is a God.” Pam must have heard me because she laughed again before rolling to the counter and withdrawing a syringe and needle.

“Let me get that blood and urine sample and then I’ll set you free sweet stuff.” I eyed the needle with distaste and didn’t notice Sam and Dean sit bolt upright from their relaxed positions against the wall.

“What do you need samples for to cast a broken ankle?” I glance over to see Sam frowning at Pam and Dean scrutinizing the rest of my body, looking for some explanation. I leaned into the wall, away from the question and tried to think of some answer, starting to panic when I realized I had none.

“Well believe it or not, as cooperative a patient as Miss Y/N has been, she’s actually quite late for her routine checkup. And at my very appreciated insistence, she agreed to let me complete that exam on top of the x-rays. Samples were the one thing we didn’t get to, but I promise it won’t be more than a quick poke.” Pam started cleaning the crease of my elbow and met my grateful gaze for just a moment with a soft smile before looking back down at her work.

Cas was squeezing my hand quite hard and I looked over to see him almost shaking with furious eyes focused on the vial quickly filling up with my blood. My eyebrows went up but I didn’t have more than a moment to wonder before Cas closed his eyes and breathed in deep through his nose, letting go of my hand. Pam took that hand and pressed it to the gauze on the crease of my elbow, telling me to keep the pressure on it for a minute or so, and I turned my attention back to the slight sting in my arm.

Cas picked me up, somehow even more gently than before, and put me back in the wheelchair. His face looked almost pained and I reached a hand out, meaning to ask him what was wrong but he skirted my touch and immediately walked behind me to start pushing me towards the door.

“I’ll help her to the bathroom.” Once we got into the hallway I twisted to look up at him, but he was looking blankly over the top of my head.

“Cas, you okay?” His mouth twisted before he finally looked down at me. After a moment he reached out his hand to brush my hair out of my face, and I kept staring at him feeling slightly stunned. “Yes, I’m okay. I just had a bit of a shock is all. Nothing for you to worry about.” He smiled at me again but his eyes looked so sad still and I wanted to press the matter, do anything to erase the unhappy lines around his eyes, but we had already reached the one-person bathroom. He pointed to the containers on the shelves and showed me how to lock the wheelchair to safely transfer myself and then told me he’d be right outside if I needed him.

This was actually not even remotely easy so I gave up and just stood up to walk and sit myself down. Of course, I didn’t mention that bit to Cas when I rolled out, but by the raised eyebrow I’d say he knew.

I kept a close eye on Cas in the reflections of each window we passed, but he was back to being calm and collected. I didn’t believe for a second it was anything but an act.

Pam smiled at the both of us when we came back in and quickly relieved me of my pee in a bottle, thank you Pam.

“Alright get out of here, the four of ya. Show this lady a good time, its her birthday for Christ’s sake. And you-“ She came over and put a strong hand on my shoulder, “You remember what I told you, capiche?” _When they tell you it’s not your fault, you believe them._ I felt my eyes go soft looking up at her and I nodded by head just a little bit, hand coming up to cover hers and squeeze.

“Thank you, Pam.”

She winked at me before leaving us alone once again.

“Can’t believe you were fucking walking on a broken ankle.”

“Dean, leave it. It’s her birthday, we can talk tomorrow.” Sam helped me to my feet, keeping me steady with an arm around my waist while Dean adjusted the crutches to my height and fixed them under my arms.

Castiel was holding the door looking patiently at the three of us, and I took a few slightly clumsy steps towards him before getting the hang of it and moving more confidently. I peeked over at Sam and Dean from the corner of my eye and true to Sam’s word they weren’t saying anything, but there was a promise in the way they stayed close to me that we would be talking about this later. Ice started pumping through my veins and it’s hilarious that the one time I want to run away from Sam and Dean, I literally couldn’t.

Happy birthday to me.

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading this! I plan to take this far, so its a good thing that some of you like it :) You are all precious okay?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited: May 17, 2017 (nothing major guys. Just fixed the dialogue I didn't like that much)

Cas’ car isn’t Baby, but its still rides pretty smooth. The boys let me have shotgun this time and I won’t tell them but being able to stretch out my legs is easing the ache a little bit.

Cas is singing again to a different song, but one with the same quiet, soothing notes. I see Dean roll his eyes in the rearview mirror, but again he doesn’t say anything and I turn to my window smiling to lean my forehead against the glass. Its cool against my skin and my eyes close for just a moment, Cas’ voice and the purr of the car making my lids heavy.

“Y/N. Wake up.” I jerk awake, hand snapping around the wrist shaking my shoulder, fingers digging in. And then I let go immediately because this is my brother’s surprised face in front of me and this is Cas’ car seat underneath me and the fear making my heart race has no place with either one of them.

The surprise in Sam’s face fades quickly, replaced by concern and I know exactly how dangerous that is. “Who raised you? You never wake up a car nap, Sammy. S’cruel.”

He’s not smiling at my joke, eyes still verging on going full-puppy, and I close mine and stretch, pretending to be sleepy so I don’t have to look at him. Gently, he scoops me up, pressing me close to his chest like he’s shielding me from some threat he can’t see. “I blame Dean. There’s only so many times I could watch him dump water on you at five in the morning without it rubbing off on me. Every man has his breaking point, Y/N.” I sighed, resting my head on his shoulder, grateful he was letting it go for now.

He set me down on the couch, and I made grabby hands for the crutches Dean was carrying. But he kept walking to put them in the hall closet. “Nope.”

“Nope? What do you mean nope? Those are mine!”

“You heard the doc, kid. Keep your leg elevated for 12 hours, that means no walkin’ around.”

“You’re not serious.”

“You bet your ass I’m serious. I got half a mind to tie you to that couch after that shit you just pulled. What the hell were you thinking walkin’ around on that?”

“Dean…”

“Shut up Sam, I want her to tell me why.” I was a little frozen beneath Dean’s scowl, watching him carefully. He only got this way when he was scared, and normally I was the best at calming him down again. But its different when the reason he’s afraid is my fault. I ducked my head and looked up at him, trying to look sheepish. “It was stupid.” He said nothing, waiting for me to continue and I sighed, looking away.

Accidentally my eyes landed on Cas and the lie stuck in my throat at the sadness on his face so I quickly looked down at my lap, hoping the pause wasn’t too noticeable. “I fell out of my tree. I just wanted to have a better view of the stars, but it was dark and one of the branches had died and it broke on my way down and I— I was embarrassed.” I looked back up at them fiddling with my sleeve.

“Honestly I thought it was just a really bad sprain and would heal on its own. I know I should have gone to you but,” my head dips down again, only this time I’m not acting. “I didn’t want to worry you.” I peek up at them to see their faces soften as they both move closer to me, and I talk quickly over whatever reassuring thing they were gonna say.

“I just don’t want you to feel like I didn’t trust you or that you’re responsible for this at all. Its just like I said,” I let the corner of my mouth lift up a fraction, “I was stupid.”

“Yeah well, don’t ever do that again.” Dean was still trying to be stern, but the tension was gone from him and I gave him a real smile. He ruffled my hair and Sam squeezed my shoulder when they passed me to go start the burgers on the porch. I was scared to look at Cas.

“It seems I owe you an apology.” For what? No literally, for what? I turned toward him, wary, not completely sure I wanted to hear what he was about to say.

“You’re very adept at lying, though only to your brothers.” He came closer to me, stopping with a foot of space between us, making me look up at him. “Do you think its simply because you know them so well? That you know the words to placate them?” I swallow, watching him watch me, and my voice is quiet when I speak.

“I don’t know why it’s easy, it just is.” He’s quiet for a moment, sadness creeping back into his eyes before he looks away from me.

“I think its time I leave, this is your family time and not my place.” My stomach feels too heavy suddenly, like when I swallowed I swallowed lead. Without meaning to I reach out and catch his sleeve.

“You don’t have to go.” Even I can hear the distress in my voice, and I don’t understand it. Cas’ eyes are back to scrutinizing my face and I smother every vulnerable part of me, bury them beneath my smirk and try to coax my heart rate back down. “Deans burgers are legendary Castiel. You can’t walk away from the chance to try them, people kill for it you know.”

“Is that right?” He’s smiling softly at me, like he sees right through me and I squirm beneath his stare but don’t look away. “And Dean would be so generous? I didn’t get the impression that he’d like to share anything with me.” He doesn’t look put off by this fact, more amused and I wave my hand through the air smiling.

“Its my birthday, he can suck it up. Besides, they both like you. I can tell.”

“I’ll take your word for it.” His eyes had wandered over to the porch, but they turned back to me suddenly stern. “I’m going to see what I can help with, and you are going to stay seated right here.” I put my hands up, looking up at him with doe eyes.

“I would never jeopardize the good doctors work, Castiel.” Cas rolled his eyes and disappeared through the doorway, and I waited a few moments listening for the door click before getting up from the couch. I grimaced soon as I put weight on my cast, grudgingly admitting to myself Pam’s orders probably had some merit, but it didn’t stop me from moving in front of the mirror hanging on the wall and double checking that no blood or anything else incriminating was showing.

No, everything was hidden and fine and I smiled at myself, relieved, before turning to the TV to see what movie looked good tonight. I was just figuring out how best to get on my knees when a hand clamped on my shoulder. Going rigid, my head jerked up already glaring before my face softened when I recognized those eyes.

“Y/N.” Cas looked cautious again, and I glanced down realizing my hand was clamped on his wrist, grip too tight. Immediately I loosened my fingers, unsettled that I hadn’t chose to use them. “Sorry Cas.” His mouth tightened again, but I couldn’t tell what that meant.

“You should be sitting down.” He told me softly. I opened my mouth and then shut it when he just looked at me steadily. “Let me help.” I stayed still and let him pick me up and situate me on the couch, propping me up against the arm with a pillow behind my back and then stretching out my legs to the other side of the couch with two pillows underneath my cast. I watched him tuck a blanket around my feet with a little smile on my face.

“You’re kind of a mother hen, you know that?”

“Did you just willingly compare yourself to a helpless baby chick?”

“A delusional mother hen that tries to take care of fully-grown adults.” He’s picking up _another_ goddamn blanket to drape across my waist and I can see his smile.

“Ah. Is it common for doctors to be insulted by their patients? I may have to ask Pam if it’s too late to be a dentist.” I laugh, batting his hands away when they try to fluff up the pillow behind me. “Now, which movie was worth standing on a broken leg for?” Still very unimpressed with me then, I grin at him.

“I hope you’re ready to fall in love with Michael Douglas and have your faith restored in America because we’re watching The American President.”

“Hmm, a fifty year old man with thinning hair. Just my type.” He’s grumbling to himself while he searches through my movie stash, and I laugh again.

“You’ll love him, I bet you ten bucks.” He shakes his head still facing the TV and pops in the disk before coming back to sit on the ground by my head.

“Deal.” The previews start playing, but I’m not watching them. There’s plenty of other comfy chairs in my living room, but Cas is wedged between my coffee table and my couch instead. _Maybe he wanted to be closer to you_. I doubt that, probably just wanted to be on-hand in case I tried to get up again. Yeah, that’s it. But I can’t stop staring at the back of his head. Messy hair shouldn’t look that cute on anyone, it’s just not fair. Reaching out to smooth it back into place, I get distracted with how soft it feels against my fingers. I thread them through his hair before going still when my brain catches up to the rest of me. But all Cas does is tilt his head back to give me better access and relax fully against the couch, so a little hesitantly I kept scratching softly at his scalp, gently pulling at the strands of silky brown.

After a few minutes the repetitive motions started soothing me as well and I let my torso sink into the pillows, watch Andrew Shepherd with half-lidded eyes. My hand keeps softly carding through his hair, and I’m trying not to think too hard about how near he is (I can hear his breathing but that’s soothing too, and the heat from his shoulders is warming me even through this blanket and I want him closer and I don’t), but I’m not sure I could ever see Cas as a threat again. At least not a threat to me.

My eyelids feel heavy so I let them close a little longer with each blink, my strokes through his hair getting slower and farther apart.

“Where’s that birthday girl?!” A gruff voice sounds through my door and I snap my eyes open with a grin.

“Bobby!” Without thinking I swing my legs off the couch, ready to jump up but Cas’ hand clamps down on my shoulder, firmly pressing me into the cushions and keeping me there. Bobby walks around the couch to see me better, smile turning into a scowl when my cast comes into view.

“What damn fool thing have you done now?”

“How much did you miss me? Get down here and give me a proper hug.” I grinned up at him, ignoring his question and opening my arms. My smile felt a little tight since the movement tugged a bit on my stitches, but Bobby didn’t notice, reaching down to wrap me in a strong hug. I held my breath against the burn in my ribs and I was grateful for his shoulder to hide my face in until the pressure let up.

He leaned back and chucked me under my chin. “Y’know how many gray hairs I’ve sprouted ‘cause a you? Now what’s this about?”

“Don’t look at me, blame my tree. It’s the one that decided to throw me on my ankle.” Bobby sighed, hands on his hips before he ruffled my hair and went in to raid my fridge, mumbling about “damn kids”.

I followed him with my eyes, smiling, but turned around when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Cas said nothing, just very pointedly looked down at my ribs, eyebrows up in question. I covered his hand with my own, squeezed it and smiled, careful not to draw too much attention with the others around but reassuring him all the same.

Bobby had left the door open, and I looked over to see Ellen and Jo coming through it with presents in their arms. Automatically, I started to get up to help them, but Cas kept me seated with the hand still on my shoulder and pinned me there with a glare before going to help them himself.

“Allow me.” Ellen looked startled to see a stranger in my place, but recovered well enough, handing off a few of the presents.

“Aren’t you the gentleman.” Jo leaned around her mother’s shoulder mouthing ‘well done’ and giving me two thumbs up. I shook my head at her, smiling.

“Why is it I never see you in one piece hmm?” Ellen came to stand in front of me, looking none too impressed.

“Somebody’s gotta keep you on your toes, Ellen.”

“Oh I think I have more than enough people doing that. Y’all are lucky I can still walk.” Much more gently she stooped down to squeeze my shoulders, whispering in my ear, “Be more careful.” Her hand cupped my face when she leaned back, and she pecked me on the forehead before going to greet the boys.

Jo peaked her head around the corner, spoon tucked between her lips, and I narrowed my eyes at her.

“That better not be my yogurt.”

“I don’t see your name anywhere.”

“Yeah? Check the bottom you dairy bandit.” She lifted the container over her head, squinting underneath. “Huh.” She shrugged scooping another spoonful into her mouth, and then talking with her mouth full, “Well, too late now.”

“Unbelievable.” She finally cracked, grinning at me and I threw a pillow at her, yelling after her when she ran into my kitchen. “Stay out of my fridge!!” When I turn back Cas is shifting a little bit, foot to foot.

“Are you certain I’m welcome here? This is your family time.” I smile at him and pat the seat next to me on the couch, not looking away until he finally relented and sat down.

“We’re an open family, Cas. We have strays passing through every other day, you aren’t gonna stick out.” I pat his knee and wow those are some very strong thighs, and then quickly tuck my hands back in my lap, looking over to see what’s taking everyone so long.

They all wander back as soon as that thought passes through my mind, picking spots in my living room and settling in. Ellen seems more openly curious about Cas, but Bobby looks assessing, probably debating whether a shovel talk is warranted or not.

“Who’s your boy, Y/N?”

“Bobby this is Castiel, my new friend.” Bobby’s eyes flick down to my cast while he leans back in his chair, and I work to keep my face open and shoulders loose.

“And how’d you two meet exactly?” I see Cas start to open his mouth out of the corner of my eye and I quickly talk over him.

“Just got to talkin’ at the mall today and when I realized how late it was getting he gave me a lift back here. Figured he’s at least owed dinner.” Bobby just looks at me, eyes tightening, and takes a sip of his beer. I blink first, clapping my hands together and turning towards Dean.

“Alright where’s dinner? I was promised dinner.” Dean gives me a crooked smile before ruffling my hair and going to check on the burgers. “Such a slave driver.”

Everyone’s eyes are still peeking at Cas, trying to be inconspicuous about it and I slant the conversation towards me, trying to save him from the spotlight. And I very very quickly regret that decision.

“And then” Sammy stopped to double over laughing for a second before he straightened up, “she just goes prancing after the golf ball and takes a step forward and gets sucked down to her shoulders in the most disgusting mud-pool I’ve ever seen. Me and Dean couldn’t even help her, we were laughing too hard, and it just got worse seeing her try to drag herself out.” Dean broke in, laughing just as hard.

“You could smell her from a hundred feet away. The owners came over, and ordered us to hose her off so we wouldn’t disturb the other players. God, you should have seen her face.” They both start laughing uncontrollably again and I reach over with my good leg to shove Dean’s shoulder.

“Ungrateful brats, that was your ball!” I’m laughing with them; unable to hide the little winces and hoping they don’t notice. “One of you is getting sacrificed next time, I quit.”

“I don’t understand, why did you have to go fetch their ball for them?” Cas tilted his head at me, but even he’s smiling. The boy’s laughter is kind of infectious.

“The ball fell down a ravine, and since I’m the best climber, I was volunteered.”

“It was because she loves us, Cas.” I threw one of the chips on the table at Dean’s head.

“Well, don’t count on that next time you need me to save your ass. I can’t believe you even convinced me to try golfing again, stupidest game ever made.” Bobby huffed a laugh and I grinned over at him.

“Y/N doesn’t have a real good track record with golfing, Cas.” Bobby leaned forward in his chair slightly, and I already knew what story he was going to tell.

“What do you mean?” Cas was leaning forward, forearms resting on his thighs, looking entirely too entertained by the endless stream of embarrassing stories my family had been spouting about me for the last half hour.

“When they were just a bunch of ankle biters, they all used to stay with me while their old man was away, and every time I would take em to the golf course since it was the closest thing to my house. I started Y/N out on the driver’s range, just to get her goin’, before taking her out on the course. So she struts out there with this golf club thats damn close to being taller than she is, and lines up her shot. Now, I was watchin Cas, and to this day I still haven’t the damnedest how she managed it. But she took this big swing, and somehow hooked the ball straight back towards her face. It didn’t even bounce off of nothin, just hurled right into her eye. Gave herself a nice shiner that she wore for the rest of the week, and it took us damn near nine years to get her to pick up a club again.” Ellen and Jo were laughing now, and Cas looked like he was trying very hard not to.

“A very reasonable reaction to a cursed game. Never again.” I smile over at Bobby, remembering the pin he got me while I was icing my black eye. It was the Mark Twain quote, “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” I still have it pinned onto my purse. ‘Course then the boys snuck another one onto it, “Mark Twain is a sore loser.”

Dean walked back in balancing a plate of precariously stacked burgers, “Foods up!”

“Wait! I didn’t finish the salad!”

“Alright then, go finish throwing it away and bring back the ketchup.” Sam got up though not before shooting a bitch-face at Dean, and I watched him go realizing a little belatedly and a lot stupidly that I was going to have to eat in front of them. My stomach was empty, as it had been for the last few days with the exception of an apple here and there. No way would I be able to finish a burger, no way.

My appetite left me a few weeks ago, stomach churning unhappily at the thought of food while simultaneously sending pangs of hunger throughout the day. I didn’t spare it much thought, too preoccupied with the nightmares that chased me away from my bed and made the shadows move when I was alone. I spent the days working at my job until Jody physically sent me out the door and then working out in my apartment until I pushed it too hard and cracked the scabs, blood joining the drops of sweat beading on my skin. I’d been avoiding mirrors, showering with the lights off and only turning them back on when the steam had completely obscured my reflection, so it took me awhile to notice.

It was right after a nightmare that left me shaking and restless, pacing the floors. My mind felt shaky too, kept giving out and sending me back to the past, making me _relive_ it. I stumbled into the bathroom, slamming on the light and lifted up my shirt like the hands I could feel would somehow show up in the mirror. It helped to see that nothing was there, that it was all in my head and I could feel my heart settling down so that every beat didn’t ache. My eyes refocused and were drawn down to my chest, it was pretty ravaged, bruised, bleeding, but it was the bones I couldn’t look away from. I lifted a hand, tracing over my ribs, the jut of my hip, twisting around to see the knobs of my spine. They looked vulnerable, closer to the open air than they should have been, almost exposed. _Like a walking skeleton, dead girl with a beating heart._ Slowly, muscles dreading the movement, I raised my head. There was a stranger there wearing my skin, lips bitten and scabbed, cheeks pale and stretched too tight. I looked up at her eyes and saw nothing. _You are empty._ I saw the hands in the mirror curl into fists. _You are ruined._ The stranger splintered into a million pieces and I looked down to see the blood on my knuckles drip to the floor.

“Y/N? You gonna take the burger, or do you want me to hand feed you?” I jerked out of my thoughts, immediately painting on a smirk and taking the plate from Sam.

“Not if you value your fingers.” I ducked my head over the food, pretending I didn’t feel the heavy stares on me. After I took the first bite I kissed my fingers, playing it up.

“Mmm, compliments to the chef.”

“You’re damn right.” Dean’s shoulders puffed up and I hid a smile in another bite.

Jo picked up the conversation, talking about the newest poor boy caught under her spell, much to Bobby’s pride and Ellen’s reproach. “Joanna Beth, stop playing with boy’s hearts.” Cas was smiling softly at her but distracted, like he was thinking of someone else. He still folded into the banter easily, holding his own against the playful jabs everyone took at him, and I was impressed. I wasn’t lying when I told him we take in strays a lot, but they never established such an ease with everyone so quickly, or at all really. Even Dean was cracking up at some of Cas’ more deadpan looks, looking charmed despite himself. I let myself relax against the cushions; content to listen and think of how fond I was of all of them.

My eyes felt heavy, so much so I had to concentrate to keep them open, and I blame that for how I missed the concerned looks that kept shooting my way.

“Am I losing my touch, Y/N?” I blinked a few times, confused until I realized everyone had empty plates and mine sat almost untouched, only a quarter gone. My heartbeat picked up, but I made myself yawn and stretch, playing up how sleepy I was.

“Fishing for compliments? No come on, it was awesome. Hospital just wiped me out and took my appetite with it.” I smiled lazily at him, analyzing his features to see if he bought it. He was mostly appeased, losing the predator look he got whenever he was worried, but he was still a little too tight around the eyes. He’d be watching me for a bit until his gut feeling settled down which was unfortunate but easy enough to handle.

“Still enough room for pie, right?”

“Hell yeah. With a scoop of ice-cream!” I shooed him with my hands towards the kitchen and he lost the last tension in his shoulders, rolling his eyes and acting put upon. “No please, no thank you. S'like wolves raised her.” I smiled to myself and yelled over my shoulder to not skimp on the sprinkles. I wouldn’t get away with not eating this one, I knew that and grimaced to myself at how uncomfortable my stomach was going to feel, but it would get everybody off my back long enough to kick them out at the end of the night.

Cas was looking at me knowingly and I very pointedly did not look at him. Cas could mind his damn business. But Sam watching me too, face calculating and I skirted his gaze, chatting up Jo and inwardly panicking. One suspicious brother was a problem; the two of them together was a disaster.

Dean came back in, arms full of plates again, but before he could fully step into the room there was a knock on the door. We all looked at the door and then back at each other, counting faces.

“Charlie doesn’t get back from Greenland til next week…” I trailed off, wordlessly asking if anyone invited someone else, but they all just shrugged. Dean put down all the plates and then went to answer the door, and for just a moment I wanted to call him back, to ignore it, but I couldn’t say why.

Dean filled up the doorway so I couldn’t see who was there, but I saw his spine straighten, saw him draw himself up and I froze because there was only one person who got that reaction out of Dean.

“Son.” A hand clapped Dean on the shoulder making him go rigid. I knew that voice, and of course he had to come here, where he is _not welcome._

Dean was brushed aside and John Winchester stepped past him, face hard just like the man behind it. Five years had not been kind to him, though that was hardly a surprise, and I had been so dreading this reunion.

His eyes scanned the room, pausing briefly on Cas and then settling on me. I doubt the others noticed it, the slight hardening of his face, the disappointment in his shoulders, it wasn’t meant for them anyway.

It was enough to make me want to shrink a little, lower my eyes, I had done enough times before. But I met his gaze squarely, face even, bulletproof. I hated that it was his voice in my head coaching me now. _Winchesters don’t flinch._

You’re goddamn right.

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you guys were wondering why the hell Charlie is in such a random place as Greenland, I thought it was the closest thing to Oz because of the Emerald City being green and all. Anyway, I hope you guys liked this chapter, I will point out that both golf stories have actually happened to me, and my family takes just as much advantage in telling them to people, as Dean and Sam did. You are all beautiful cinnamon rolls.


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey Squirt, its been a long time.” I swung my legs off the couch so I could turn to look at him properly, and this time nobody stopped me. John’s eyes glanced down at my leg before they jumped back up to my face.

“What’d you do this time? Fall down the stairs again?” It always unnerved me how stoic he could be while he talked.

“Why are you here? No, don’t answer that, I already know. The answers no.” My hands were shaking a little because I was so angry, so I twisted them in the blanket on my lap.

“Calm down, Y/N. Getting upset is just going to irritate your leg more. I just need to talk to your brother for a moment, I figured he would be with you.” He _always_ did that, just because I was a girl I was inherently weaker and couldn’t handle getting ‘pissy’ without hurting myself.

“Step outside with me, son.” John put his hand on Dean’s shoulder, and I could see how hard his grip was, and how Dean instantly responded by becoming his Daddy’s little soldier.

“No.” My voice was deadly and low, and it made John stop in my doorway and turn around to look at me.

“I think you’re forgetting your place, young lady.” I kept my gaze on John while I addressed the rest of the people in the room.

“Give me a minute with John, guys. This won’t take long.” I saw them all hesitate to leave me alone with him, so I broke my stare down with John to look at them.

“Its fine guys, go.” Dean was the first to move, shoving John’s hand off his shoulder and stomping out of the room. He always became more defiant of John when he said something rude to me or Sammy. The only person Dean never stood up for was himself.

The rest of them got up together, Sammy squeezing my shoulder as he passed and Bobby glaring John down as he walked out the door. Cas was walking slowly, clearly reluctant to leave me with someone he deemed a threat, but he left easily enough when he turned back to look at me and saw me smiling at him and mouthing go.

Then it was just me and my father. We stared each other down for a few seconds before I broke the silence, “I don’t care what lead you’ve found. You aren’t using Dean to help you again. I will not allow it.” I stood up from the couch as I spoke, ignoring the pain in my leg so I could be closer to his level. He made no comment about how I shouldn’t be standing, because as long as we weren’t dying, he didn’t care. We were his tools, not his children.

“Thats not really your decision to make, Y/N.” 

“I said. I will not _allow it_ , John.” He took two steps towards me and I saw his hands clenching by his sides.

“Its disrespectful to call your father by his first name.” 

“You aren’t my father. You may have helped make me, but you aren’t my father. You can have my respect when you’ve earned it.” I saw him clench his jaw, but he chose to ignore my comment.

“I found him, Y/N. I know where he is, but I need help to take him down.”

“Well find it somewhere else. You aren’t dragging Dean into your shit again. I won’t stand by and watch him get burned because of you anymore.” John closed the remaining distance between us until I had to crane by neck up to look in his eyes and I could smell the whiskey on his breath puffing into my face. His hands came up to clamp around my forearms in a bruising grip that irritated the bruises already painted onto my skin. I did not wince.

“Do you have _any_ idea how important this is? How long I’ve been working to bring this son of a bitch down?” His hands tightened on me, nails biting down and leaving tiny bleeding crescents on my skin.

“How could I not, John? You reminded us every day you saw us that nothing else mattered but tracking him down. Not school. Not our health, not our happiness, not our damn _lives!_ We were kids! Scared kids who just lost our mom, and were looking to our _daddy_ to save us. And you let us fucking drown! We needed you to step up and be our father, but that was too much for you so you became our sack of shit drunk passed out on the couch instead!” His face darkened and for a second I really thought he was going to hit me, but the moment passed and he dropped my arms and stepped away from me, a look of disgust on his face.

“I can’t believe you don’t care. I raised you how I had to. That man _murdered_ your mother, so yeah, we all had to sacrifice some things to finish him! But I did it all for Mary! What do you think she would think of you, knowing that you gave up on her?!” I started laughing then.

“You want to talk to me about Mom, John? Really? Okay, lets talk. You think that I’m the one she's disappointed in? No, she loved me. She would have wanted what was best for me. She wouldn’t have wanted _this!_ To have her children grow up as soldiers with a drill sergeant for a father. She would have wanted you to man up and take care of your family, not ruin their lives with this stupid search for her killer just so you could get over the guilt that you didn’t protect her! It was your job to love us and you _failed._ I needed you and you weren’t there! I went to you when I was hurting and do you remember what you said to me?” He said nothing, just glared at me.

“No of course you don’t, you were too drunk. You told me I shouldn’t have walked out of the house dressed like a whore. You told me that I was asking for it. I was _fifteen years old._ So don’t you fucking _dare_ talk to me about mom. _You’re_ the one she's disappointed in. _You’re_ the one she would be ashamed of.” He stepped close to me again, with his hands balled into fists, and I couldn’t remember ever seeing him this angry.

“You want to hit me? Go ahead, I’ve had worse.” I waited, daring him with my eyes, but he never moved.

“I don’t want to see you ever again, And if I hear that you even _talked_ to Dean or Sam about the arsonist, I will _find you_ , John. I will _find_ you and break every damn bone in your hands so that even if you have that asshole trapped and weaponless, you will never be able to kill him.” He scoffed at me.

“Don’t doubt me, you trained me but you never watched me. I watched you though, every chance I could. I know all of your weaknesses, but you know none of mine. I could do it. Easily. So you leave them both alone, do you understand me?” I knew better than to wait for him to nod, he was too stubborn, so I just continued talking. “Now get the fuck out of my apartment. You aren’t welcome here.” He glared at me for a few more seconds, before he turned on his heel and stormed out.

I flinched at the sound of the door slamming and suddenly my legs felt too unsteady to hold me up so I stumbled back a few steps until the backs of my knees hit the couch and I collapsed onto it.

I was not alone for long.

“Y/N?” I looked up to see Sam and Dean right in front of me, looking equal parts angry and sad. I quickly straightened myself up, and plastered a smile on my face.

“I know, Dean, i know, I’m putting my leg back up on the pillows right now and if I try to move it again then I’m in big trouble.” Suddenly needing to look anywhere but their faces, I started to straighten my blankets out. I saw a hand reach out to stop mine from fidgeting and I looked up to see Sammy kneeling in front of me.

“Y/N, we need to talk about what you said to Dad.” I went very still, barely breathing as I looked at him with wide eyes, trying to remember how to lie my way past this. After a few seconds I shook off his hand and scooted back on the couch trying to give myself some space.

“You know what they say about eavesdroppers Sammy, they never hear good of themselves.” I hated myself for how uneven my voice sounded, I should be better at this by now.

“We’re more concerned about what we heard about you.” Dean stepped forward with his arms crossed, and I couldn’t stand the look of guilt on his face that he was trying to hide behind his scowl. Dean shouldn’t have to blame himself for the things I’ve done. But I was not going to talk about this.

“Where is Bobby and everyone else? They’re not secretly killing Cas are they?” They ignored my questions, but now that I was listening for it I could hear Bobby and John’s deep voices arguing in the hallway, though I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying. Sammy brought my attention back to them.

“Y/N, what did Dad say you were asking for when you were fifteen?” I closed my eyes for a second, because of course they heard the worst part of my tirade they possibly could have. I forced myself to scoff it off.

“Come on guys, it was a pretty heated argument. I _know_ you both have lied when you’re really angry and under pressure. Im sorry, but not even _I_ have enough patience to not crack when John Winchester is pestering me.” My mind was moving at a million miles per hour, trying to get two moves ahead of them, and control where this conversation was heading. Unfortunately, Dean was always a better chess player than me.

“You know thats not the same, Y/N! Cut the crap and tell us what you meant. Now.” He had uncrossed his arms and stepped forward until he was as close to me as Sammy was. I felt myself wanting to shrink down under their stares, so I pushed myself up as straight as I could, trying to look unaffected.

“It was nothing guys, can we drop this please?” I reached for my pie, ready to start eating again, but Dean stepped in my way and lowered himself down so I was forced to meet his eyes.

“No, Y/N, we cannot _drop this_. Talk to me.” He wasn’t pretending to be angry anymore, no, now he was just crushed. _This was why I never told you, Dean, so I would never have to see that look on your face._ I couldn’t pretend anymore, not when he looked at me like that.

“Dean please don’t make me talk about this. I don’t want to, at least right now. Its my birthday, can’t we just celebrate and laugh for tonight? I promise I’ll tell you both eventually. Just not tonight. Please don’t make me tonight.” I looked between the two men who had spent their whole lives protecting me, and I hated seeing them both think they had failed. Because that wasn’t true, I was the one who had failed. My fault. My goddamn fault.

“Alright honey, alright. As long as you promise you’ll talk to us sooner rather than later.” I looked up at Sammy, nodding my head vigorously, unbelievably grateful that they were letting this go for tonight. I glanced over at Dean to see his mouth twisting unhappily, but he was going along with it, however reluctantly. It took me a few more seconds to get myself completely under control, but then I leaned forward to grab my pie and shoved a big bite into my mouth. Talking with my mouth full and gesturing with my fork, I pointed to the door, “You wanna call back in the party-goers? Because I’ll be honest, its kind of dead in here right now.” I smirked at them and tried to ignore how disturbed they seemed that I could pretend that everything was fine. Fingers crossed they didn’t analyze that too much.

Without another word, they both got up and moved to let everybody back inside. When they were out of sight I took a few deep breaths through my mouth, trying to prepare myself for the enormous act I was going to have to perform. It would be easy though, if there was one thing I was good at it was forcing my lips upward even when there were knives twisting in my skin.

Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and Cas walked back in with a mix of angry and grave faces. It was safe to say that Bobby looked the most furious, though Cas was a close second. I did my best to pretend I didn’t notice their expressions and brush past it.

“Bobby I know you have this incredibly wrong opinion that apple pie is only good piping hot, but I’m telling you, try it a little bit cooled off. This’ll change your life.” I held his plate up to him, and breathed a silent sigh of relief when he took it and sat down. Everybody went back to their former seats and started chatting each other up again. I was so thankful that they were acting normal, though I knew they were only doing that because Dean and Sam told them to. 

“Alright kiddo, ready for your presents?” I turned to Dean grinning.

“Is that even a question. Gimme!” Everybody laughed, and I breathed a little easier because it wasn’t even that forced.

“Us first!” Jo pushed their present into my hands, making me chuckle at her.

“Alright pushy! Hey hands off! I’m gonna open it!” I tugged the present out of her reach and settled it in my lap, ripping into the paper.

“This one is from me and Jo, Bobby got you his own.” I looked up at Ellen, smiling again, before shifting my attention back to my present and ripping off the lid.

I peeked inside tilting my head, reaching in I pulled out two tiny red reflectors. Looking up and smiling at them in confusion, I waited for them to explain. 

“I love you, Cuz, but no way was I going to carry your bike upstairs for no reason. Its parked in the lobby, complete with bike lock.” 

I just looked at her for a few seconds, trying to wrap my head around it. But then the excitement rushed through me.

“No way. You guys got me a bike!?! You did not! Oh my god what color is it? Can I go see it right now?” My voice gradually got louder until the boys were jokingly covering their ears to protect themselves. Ellen and Jo laughed at me, looking very happy at my reaction.

“How about you go see it tomorrow since the doctor didn’t give you the all clear to move for another ten hours. Thats another thing though, we weren’t expecting your ankle to be broken, so no riding it until thats healed. No buts, missy, if I see you riding that you are in deep trouble you understand?” I pouted but nodded at Ellen. Jo seemed to not be able to contain herself and spoke up.

“We knew that you didn’t have a car, and we figured you wouldn’t want to have to walk everywhere, and now you don’t have to. Oh! And I picked the color, its red.” I beamed at her.

“You know me too well, Jo. Thank you both so much, I love it and I haven’t even seen it yet.” I held my arms open and waited for them to walk over to hug me since I couldn’t go to them.

After they sat down I turned to Bobby expectantly, hand held out.

“Sorry hun, but you can’t open mine until the boys give you their present. They go together.” 

“So you brought it here so it could sit there and taunt me? Thats cruel Bobby, even for you.” He chuckled at me.

“The suspense is the best part and you know it.” I rolled my eyes but smiled warmly at him. The presents weren’t what I really cared about, and they knew that.  Dean made an exaggerated sigh, and I turned to see him with his eyes squeezed tight.

“Alright Y/N, its time. Put in your birthday chick-flick.” He sounded like he was being tortured and I laughed at him.

“So much enthusiasm Dean! I don’t know what to do with myself! Unfortunately for you, The American President is not a chick-flick, so you’re gonna have to get your fix elsewhere.” Leaning forward, I snagged the remote and phanagled with it to make the movie play since Cas had already put it into the DVD player.

“Are you kidding? Y/N, this has chick-flick written all over it.” I glared at Sammy.

“Watch your tone in my house Samuel Winchester, I will not hear a word against this movie. It is nothing less than one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time.” Dean and Sam both rolled their eyes and opened their mouths to make some scathing comment, but I held my hand out and shushed them.

“Both of you hush, its my birthday, so you two can deal for an hour and a half.” The movie started playing again, and I turned my attention back to the TV screen. Cas was still sitting on the ground by my head, and I started to feel guilty that he hadn’t had a real chair the whole night, even though it was his choice. Rearranging myself so that my leg was propped up on the coffee table instead of the end of the couch, I scooted over and made some room for Cas.

“Cas, come up here and sit with me. I can’t focus on the movie if you’re uncomfortable.” He craned his neck around to look at me.

“Its not that uncomfor-”

“Just get up here, Cas.” Slowly he got up from the floor and glanced at my face to see if I was really okay with him sitting this close to me and not just acting out of obligation. I smiled at him softly, and didn’t try to give him space when he sat down next to me and our thighs touched. Cas looked a little bit tense, but it was easy for me to relax back into the cushions. Cas was safe, and I didn’t mind feeling his body next to mine, especially when Cas was so careful to move slowly so I could anticipate his moves. It was the surprise touches that always made me flinch, even if they were from someone I trusted.

Right around when Sydney started insulting the president for the first time, I started to zone out and stop paying attention. Today had been an outrageously long day, and I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Now that I was sitting still and not focused on entertaining and distracting everyone, my injuries were in the fore front of my mind. Every breath was like sharp knives digging into my ribcage, and my stitches felt hot and burned brighter whenever I moved. My ankle really wasn’t that bad now that it was immobilized, just a dull pain, but it was still uncomfortable. More than anything though, I was tired.

I felt my eyelids getting too heavy to hold up, and closing longer between each blink. Every few seconds my body would jerk up from where it had started to slump down, as I fought to stay awake and watch the movie. I couldn’t tell you how many times I did that, but after a few too many, Cas couldn’t take it anymore. Slowly and with the utmost care, I felt his arm wind around me and gently pull my head to rest against his shoulder. Half asleep already, I burrowed closer to his side, seeking warmth and feeling grateful that he was so sturdy but comfy. I sighed in contentment and tangled my fingers in his shirt, leaning into his touch when he brushed the hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear.

After that I drifted, not registering anything beyond the feeling of being held and protected, and the occasional hand smoothing over my hair. I was roused only when I felt strong hands lift my head up gently and place it on a squishier pillow than I was resting on before. A scrap of paper was gently tucked into my hand and something brushed through my hair once more. I felt gentle hands stroke my cheek briefly before they were gone, and it seemed colder without their touch.

I was asleep before I could realize that I missed them.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i did my best to not demonize John, but just portray him as a man who demanded respect and treated his children as adults way too soon, and was also an alcoholic who would become verbally and sometimes physically abusive with too many drinks. Okay, so maybe I demonized him a little, but I am not a fan of his. You'll see that he and Dean's relationship is 'pretty much' the same as in the show, but he treats the reader in a completely different way, that you'll see more of later. I think thats it, I'll get the next chapter up as soon as I can! Thank you all for the kudos, i am so unbelievably happy that some of you like this :) Keep on being precious all of you! (as if you could ever stop)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My deepest apologies on the wait, college is semi taking up my life. Hang tight with this chapter guys, it had to happen to move the story along. This OC is way too stubborn otherwise.
> 
> ps. trigger warning for explicit description of violence in case that is a problem for you.

I had to stop myself from fiddling with the note I kept in my pocket, a nervous habit I had picked up. Forcing myself to let go and cross my arms in front of me, I kept walking towards the grocery store. Every building looked the same, and I found my mind wandering from the monotony.

_His hands are so tender as they heal me, like I’m something precious that he’s afraid of breaking further. I’ve never known hands like this, didn’t even believe they existed. I miss—_

I shake my head out roughly, and push my feet harder against the ground, refusing to think of him again. 

Its been four weeks since I’ve last seen Castiel, though that is far from the last time he crossed my mind.

I remember shooting up in the middle of the night, frantically trying to get the phantom hands off me, and having to bite my hand against the screams when I saw Dean and Sam passed out in the chairs next to me. Curling up on the couch, I put my head behind my knees, trying to quiet the sounds of my ragged breathing. After a few minutes, I calmed down enough to remember that I should have had a lot more people sitting around me, and that it was darker outside than the last time I looked. Looks like everybody wanted to let me sleep rather than say goodbye. Unclenching my fists in preparation of standing up, I stopped when I felt myself holding something, fumbling with it in the dark I figured out it was a note from someone. As always, my curiosity could not wait to be quenched, so I heaved myself up off the couch, letting myself wince at the pain since nobody was watching, and limped towards the kitchen to turn on one of the tiny lights under my cabinets to see.

 

(965-780-2256)

609 Poplar Street, Apartment 6B

I can’t stand the thought of you hiding all of your wounds and receiving no help because you are too stubborn and selfless to trouble your brothers. If you are ever hurt again, please let me help you, if not for your own sake then for mine.

-Castiel

 

I slapped the soft smile off my face as soon as I noticed it was there, and sat down heavily on one of the bar stools at the counter. I felt my heart sink as I realized that I could never see Castiel again. It didn’t matter that he was the first person I had trusted outside of my family since I was fifteen years old, it didn’t matter that I was craving to be close to him again. It didn’t matter because _I_ didn’t matter. But Castiel did. And I would _ruin him._  

He was kindness, and healing, and gentleness, and light. How could I even think of tainting something so precious? Castiel deserved better than a cowardly fuck-up who broke everyone she touched.

So no, it didn’t matter what I wanted, I would stay away and keep Castiel safe from me. A last thank you gift that he would have no choice but to accept.

I couldn’t help myself though. While I was walking home from the doctors, after getting the cast on my wrist sawed off, I started hunting down Poplar Street. 

I don’t even know why, I just wanted the comfort of knowing he was close by, even though I would never seek it from him. He had comforted me enough.

It didn’t take me long to find it, mostly because he only lived four blocks away from me, which was a fucking surprise. I never could bring myself walk down the street, even going out of my way to avoid it, but every time I walked past my thoughts became flashes of my memories of him. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of Cas, much like now.

As I rounded the corner I breathed a sigh of relief that the physical reminder of him was gone and I could focus on walking again. Right now I needed to concentrate.

My head snapped up at the sound of footsteps, and I had to stop myself from balling my fists and giving away how on edge I was. If you look too jumpy, you become a target, which I never intended to be again.

_There are too many hands, and I’m fighting but it doesn’t matter. I’m not strong enough. “C’mon Sugar, stop acting like you don’t want it.” I don’t, I don’t want it, get_ off _, stop touching  me—_ ENOUGH _._

Forcibly making my mind blank, I dug my fingernails into my palms and gritted my teeth. This was the first time since it happened that I had walked outside at night, and I wasn’t ready. That didn’t matter though, because I wasn’t going to let them take this from me. Walking under the stars had been my escape, the moon had offered me comfort when I couldn’t bring myself to seek it elsewhere, but now it only gave me nightmares. What was once beautiful was now terrifying and ugly and worst of all, a _reminder._ This wasn’t something I could hide from though, and it was time I faced it. I had been a coward for too long.

It was just a quick run to the Kroger’s anyway, nothing to be afraid of. Still, for all my pretending, I couldn’t help the rush of relief from walking through the automatic doors. I found myself reluctant to leave the store, and picking up more than my standard essentials to prolong my time there.

_This is stupid. Its not hard to move your feet in front of each other, so walk out of the damn store. Stop being such a fucking coward._

Straightening my shoulders, I took a deep breath and left the safety of Kroger, holding a bag of food in each hand. It was worse now, and I should have left earlier, because now the streets were deserted as well as black, and I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

Breathing out a shaky breath, I pushed my feet against the ground as best I could, limping slightly from the cast around my ankle, my only thought to get home quickly. But, as with most things in my life, my best was not enough.

“Hey baby, where you going? S’not safe for a pretty little thing like you to be out walking alone.” I couldn’t help my flinch at the sound of his voice, but I forced myself to not react further, pretending I didn’t hear. 

“Aw, don’t be like that sweet cheeks, we just wanna talk to ya.” I faltered in my steady steps, unprepared for a second voice to join the first. _They hunt in packs._

I heard their feet fall faster against the ground, and short of running, I couldn’t hope to out pace them. Before I could fully panic about that, I felt a hand clamp down around my arm, and though I jerked away he had a firm grip on me.

“Hey baby, how about you come back to our place. Gorgeous girl like you shouldn’t go home alone.” It didn’t escape my notice that he wasn’t asking, and though my hands were shaking my voice was strong.

“I’m not your baby. Let go of me.” I didn’t wait for him to do as I asked, bringing up my other arm and breaking his hold on me easily. Glaring up into his face I heard John Winchester’s voice in the back of my mind. _Never turn your back on your enemy until the threat is neutralized. You do that, and you deserve whatever they give you._ There was no walking away from this. Not now.

I saw a flicker of shock pass across his face before it was replaced by anger. “What, we’re not good enough for you? I think you owe us an apology, sugar.” I was prepared for his hands reaching for me this time, and I had no doubt of what he intended to take as his _apology._

Ducking around his arms, I brought the heel of my hand into his windpipe and then dragged his face down onto my knee when he started clutching at his throat.

There were two of them though, and I didn’t get my hands up in time to deflect the fist aiming for my face. Black shapes started to dance across my vision, and I blinked the blood out of my eye, not letting it faze me before I grabbed onto the hand that was flying toward me again and using it to throw him off balance and onto the ground.

Keeping my hands in front of me I leaned forward and waited for their next attack. Both of them were stalking towards me now, element of surprise over. The tall one lunged for me first, trying to tackle me, and I braced myself as much as I could, not being able to move out of the way quick enough with the awkward weight of my cast.

We hit the ground hard and I felt the breath get punched out of me by the concrete. Struggling to get my bearings I lost a few precious seconds of reaction time, allowing him to get one of my wrists pinned. The other I brought back to snap up into his mouth, cutting one of my knuckles on his teeth. All that made him do though was spit the blood out next to my head and slam his fist into the same side of my face, this time on my cheek. 

I felt a sharp kick to my ribs from the stockier man that knocked the breath out of me again. And then there were hands tearing into me, and breaking me apart, just like last time. And now it didn’t matter that the breath was knocked out of me, because I couldn’t drag in air anyway. Because there were hands on me, and I _didn’t want this._ Their hands were burning me, and I could feel my skin boiling off, but I couldn’t scream. Where was my voice? The screaming in my head was _so loud,_ but I couldn’t make a sound. 

_“Keep quiet, Sugar, you can drop the act, nobody’s around to save you. Just give into it.” Hot breaths panting in my ear, and I can’t stand the noise. I don’t want to listen anymore._

“Stop. Fighting.” Sharp words spit at me through gritted teeth as I flailed my limbs, desperately trying to get away, to get him _the fuck_ off of me.This wasn’t a nightmare, this was happening right now, and if I didn’t get my shit together it would be too late for me to stop it from happening again.

Pushing the panic down, I forced myself to stop thrashing uselessly, and remember my training. Because I _had_ been trained for this, and I would _not_ _allow_ this to happen again.

Lifting my leg as high as I could, I slammed my cast into one of the ankle joints by my feet, taking advantage of the distraction of his yells to hook my hand around the other mans knees and bring him down on top of us. While they were attempting to untangle themselves from each other I slid my hand to the back of the neck above me and slammed their head onto the ground, knocking them out cold. 

Then I got a good grip on the body pinning mine to the ground and flipped us over. Pinning his arms with my knees pressed into his biceps, my fists started slamming down into his face over and over again until I could feel my knuckles split on his bones. I didn’t realize I was screaming at him until half way through my sentence.

“ _—fucking touch me._ _I am not yours, you don’t get to touch me. Don’t ever fucking touch me again. I’m not your damn piece of ass you get to mess with. I am more than that. I’m more.”_

Eventually my hands stopped hitting him until I was left staring at them, watching the blood run down my wrist. Looking down I remembered where I was and scrambled off of the man below me, disgusted that his skin was touching mine. Crawling back a few steps, I collapsed against the wall of the building behind me, trying to remember how to breath right. 

After a few seconds I decided that I didn’t care if I couldn’t breathe so long as I didn’t have to look at them ever again. Using the wall as support, I pulled myself up and started limping away as fast as my legs would carry me. I walked with no direction, my only thought to get away.

It was 80 degrees out, but I was shivering, shaking bad enough that my teeth chattered. And it was so strange, but for the first time my mind was blank without my forcing it to be. Instead I found myself focusing on everything I was passing. _This sidewalk has so many cracks, how can it function when its so broken? Why do people keep stepping on it to break it further? The street is so dark, but the moon makes a nice lamp. It looks nice. 6B._

Very suddenly I found myself in front of Castiel’s apartment, even though I didn’t remember making the decision to walk there. My hand was reaching out and pressing the buzzer before I could stop myself, and then I found myself staring at his door while a vice locked around my throat and made it hard to swallow. The door opened to reveal a very sleep-mussed Castiel wearing a grumpy half-asleep expression that was quickly wiped off his face when he registered who was knocking on his door at one in the morning.

“Y/N? What—” He cut himself off when I fell into him suddenly, and he had to bring his arms up to catch me.

My shaking felt so much worse against his steady form, and I fisted his shirt in my hands, desperate to hold onto something solid. He didn’t say anything, just held onto me as tight as I was clutching him, and for the first time in my life, I let someone else hold me up.

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, next chapter we get back to what i LOVe, some Castiel taking care of you fluff. I'm pretty sure I should get next chapter out sooner, because writing this was like pulling my teeth out for some reason. Anyway, your guy's comments make me smile like a damn fool, so thank you :) stay perfect my adorable cinnamon rolls.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so as I was writing this, it just seemed to flow much better from Cas' perspective, and I wanted to give a little insight into how he feels about the OC, even though its been pretty obvious so far. So here you are lovelies, a Cas POV chapter, let me know if you want to OC's POV for this scene too, and I'll add it in with the next chapter update.

She wasn’t calming down. This wasn’t having flashbacks to her previous horrors, this was fresh trauma, and no amount of running my hands though her hair was stopping her from shaking. 

I started to tug her into my apartment, wanting to get some juice in her to counteract the shock, and she leaned heavily against my side, trusting me to keep her upright.

She was silent and I found myself scrambling for words to give, desperately searching for something to stop her hurting. But there was nothing to say, so I just pulled her closer to me.

I felt something warm and wet on my chest and looked down to see the blood from her cheek seeping into my clothes. _I’ll kill them._ Forcing my jaw to unclench and exhaling slowly, I pushed my anger down to deal with later. She didn’t need anger from me right now.

“Y/N, I’m going to get you a change of clothes, and then I would like to clean up your wounds, alright?” She didn’t look at me, but nodded her head. I had to unclench her hands from my shirt when she didn’t seem to be able to let go herself, careful to be gentle.

Moving quickly, I gathered all the supplies I needed. I couldn’t afford to be emotional right now, Y/N needed a doctor, and thats what I would be. I’d have time to be upset and angry and _livid_ later. Not now. Stopping in the kitchen for a moment, I snatched one of my grape juice bottles from the fridge, and then quickly made my way back to the living room to sit on the couch next to her.

“Y/N, I need you to drink this for me. Its only grape juice, but it will help raise your blood sugar and counteract the shock.” I unscrewed the cap for her and held it to her lips since her hands were shaking too bad to hold it. She didn’t fight me on it at all, and that worried me more than anything else I’d seen tonight.

After she had drank as much as she could, I tried to think of the best way to get her to change her shirt. She was obviously very vulnerable right now, and the last thing I wanted was to make her feel even more exposed and violated than she already was. Before I could think too hard on it, she had already tore off her shirt and started to struggle into mine. She seemed to have a little bit of trouble lifting her arms, and I noticed a fresh bruise coloring her ribs. Her previously broken ribs seemed mostly healed, though whatever piece of filth did this to her may have re-broken them. The stitches had been taken out, and she was left with angry, swollen red lines crisscrossing across her chest. They would scar badly then.

“Little help here, Cas.” Snapping out of my patient’s assessment, I reached over to carefully pull the shirt over her torso, minding the lacerations on her face. It was a good sign that she was talking, though as I pulled her shirt down and got a good look at her face it was clear that like most things about her, it was a front. She was _devastated_ , and she couldn’t hide that from me, though she was trying. I turned my attention to the first aid kit, because it hurt to watch her smiling at me like nothing was wrong.

Lifting up a swab to dab at the cut by her eye, I hesitated with my hand hovering by her face, asking permission with my eyes. All she did was tilt her head to the side to give me better access, so I leaned forward and pressed the cotton to her skin, apologizing softly when she winced. 

I didn’t try to talk to her about what happened. If I was the one to broach the topic, she would put up her walls and push me away, it had to be her. So I waited. I would wait for as long as she needed me to.

Bandaging her wounds didn’t take very long. It was just a matter of wiping away the blood, and then securing the wounds with butterfly wound closures after I had disinfected them. Disinfecting them had been the worst part, I hated to cause her more pain no matter how necessary it was, so I just kept spilling ‘I’m sorry’s’ to her until I was finished. 

I didn’t notice her hands right away, but they were badly bruised with the skin broken over the knuckles. Defensive wounds. And, God, I hoped she was able to fight them off. She had been through enough.

Gently, I picked up her hand and held it in mine, wiping away the blood and covering the splits in her skin with ointment. It wasn’t until I was halfway through her other hand that she spoke up.

“It wasn’t that bad this time, you know?” I looked up to see her watching me clean her hands, a detached, disinterested expression on her face.

“I stopped them, even if I came out a little worse for wear.” She gestured to herself, smirking, clearly trying to make a joke out of it. But I saw her bottom lip tremble, and I felt myself tensing for what she would say next.

“Can’t really say the same for last time.” And now she did look at me, and I felt something twisting up my insides when I saw the broken expression on her face. “I tried, Cas. I- I tried _so hard_. But it wasn’t enough, _I_ wasn’t enough. I couldn’t stop them, and I was weak. And I just- I can’t stop thinking about it, Cas. All the time, everyday, and I _don’t. want. to._ I can’t do this, Cas. I don’t want to remember anymore. I don’t want to _feel_ anymore.” I had tugged her to me before the sobs started, unable to stop myself from comforting her. My hand found its way to the back of her head, and I kept her pressed up close to my neck while I rubbed her back in big, slow circles, trying to anchor her to the present. Turning my head, I pressed a kiss to her brow before resting my head on top of hers, feeling her shake beneath me. Her arms wound around my waist, and squeezed me tightly while her fingers searched for some sort of purchase on my shirt to hold on to. I wrapped my arms more firmly around her, holding her just as tightly. Right now, she didn’t need gentleness from me. She needed me to reassure her that no matter how fragile she felt right now, she wasn’t going to break. I wasn’t going to let her break.

“It was my fault Cas, my fault my fault. I shouldn’t have trusted them. I was so stupid Cas, so goddamn stupid. Wasn’t strong enough. Wasn’t enough. Its all my fault. Its all my fault.” She just kept whispering that over and over into the skin of my throat, like the only thing that mattered to her was making sure I knew that. I just rocked her slowly, running my fingers through her hair. I waited for her to stop murmuring the blame she put on herself into my skin, so that when I spoke I was sure she was listening.

“This was not your fault. You are not responsible for their actions, and you did not deserve it. There was nothing you could have done to deserve that. You aren’t weak, Y/N, you are strong. So incredibly strong, and this will pass. I promise you, this will pass. Its not your fault. Its not your fault.” My words made her start crying harder, but I expected that. She wasn’t ready to believe me, not yet. She burrowed deeper into me, and I adjusted my hold on her to keep her pressed close to me. I tried to tell her without words that it was okay, I was going to protect her, and that she was safe here.

It was awful to listen to her broken sobs, and I felt my heart splintering around the edges. _I’m sorry. So sorry, sweetheart. I’ll make this better, I promise. I’ll make you believe me._

“I’ve got you, sweetheart, shhh I’ve got you, I’m here. You aren’t alone.” Then I just let her cry, ignoring my tightening throat and the stinging behind my eyes. 

She sobbed into me for a long time, and was shaking and crying for even longer. All through it I kept a tight grip on her and every once in a while, whispered comforting nothings into her hair. I would bet anything this was the first time she had let herself cry like this in years, and even longer since she had let someone see her so vulnerable.

Gradually, I felt the tension leaving her body as she slumped into me, bit by bit. And though there were still hitches in her breathing, it was significantly more even than it had been before. Tucking her hair behind her ear, I looked down to see her face smoothed out and no longer contorted by pain, though some tears were still slipping out behind her closed lids. My thumb swept across her cheeks, erasing the evidence, but more tears leaked out anyway. There was something particularly heartbreaking about watching someone cry as they slept, of knowing they got no peace from the demons that plagued them even in unconciousness.

Moving her head to rest more steadily on my shoulder, I put my arm beneath her knees and rose carefully from the couch, not wanting to wake her. I craned my neck down, worried that  the change in position would jolt her awake, but all she did was nuzzle closer to my neck. As I started to walk toward my bedroom, I frowned at how light she felt in my arms. I could feel each of her ribs beneath my fingertips, and the nobs of her spine digging into my arm. I would have to watch her to understand if this was a result of something purposeful, or simply negligence of her own wellbeing. Either way, she didn’t have to deal with it alone anymore. I wasn’t going anywhere.

As gently as I could, I laid her down on my bed and tucked the covers in around her. She seemed a little restless, but calmed down when I stroked through her hair softly. I stayed with her until I was sure she was deeply asleep and then got up to go back to the couch. Though I wanted so badly to hold her while she slept to keep whatever nightmares she had away, that decision should be left up to her, not me. I knew that the only reason she had started to trust me was because I let _her_ come to _me_ and set the pace. I would rather lose my right arm than take some step toward her that she wasn’t ready for. So for now, I gave her space and cherished the times that she chose to close the distance between us.

Leaning down, I pressed my lips to her temple once more before standing up and leaving the room. My couch was a little bit too short for my legs, and there were a few loose springs that poked into my back, but I didn’t notice any of those things tonight. My thoughts were on the strong, stubborn soldier sleeping two walls away from me who thought she had to fight all her battles on her own.

My last thought as I felt exhaustion drag down my eyelids was, “ _Not anymore.”_

 

_* * *_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so after this, you guys are going to have a few chapters of fluff before the angst picks back up, so enjoy it while you can :) And in case it hasn't been clear by all my comments and notes, I am indescribably thrilled that you guys like this :) Thank you all so much for being such sweethearts, you guys deserve warm sunshine on your faces, and the sound of rain, and the smell of hot apple cider around a campfire, and at least 12 cinnamon rolls. See you next update!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so sorry lovelies, its been a rough couple of weeks, otherwise I would have updated sooner. Oh! Also sorry, but for the horrible wait I put you all through, this chapter is not that great. I have to get through the baby steps before I can make her take the big steps, you know?

I held onto the remnants of my dream for as long as I could, not wanting to let go of the feelings of being _safe_ and _wanted._   But as my thoughts started to become coherent, the visions slipped away until even the feeling of gentle hands healing me had faded. Still refusing to open my eyes, I stretched out my limbs and grimaced when that sent a sharp pain through my ribs. Looking down through squinted lids, I frowned at the new bruises on my arms and the comforter that was most decidedly not mine. Suddenly sitting bolt upright, I scanned the room I had no memory of until all of last night came crashing back to me. Flopping backwards, I turned my face into the pillow and groaned. How _fucking humiliating._ I had a goddamn _break down_ in front of _Castiel,_ who I wasn’t supposed to even see again.

“Just kill me now.” Well that settled it, I would never be able to look him in the eye again. It was time to move to Canada and join a pack of wolves. 

Rolling over I took stock of my belongings. Pants—check, shirt— oh _Christ_ , he gave me his fucking shirt since mine was a disaster. Okay, no problem, I could just mail it back to him later after I had washed it. Shoes were— okay where were my shoes? Either I lost them on my stumbling walk over here, or he took them off before he put me in _his_ bed. God, I hope he hadn’t slept on the _floor_ or the _couch_ because of me. He should have turned me away, I should never have come here. Now, I just owed Cas more, and he was continuing to be way sweeter than I deserved. Getting up from the bed, I quickly moved toward the window, planning to climb out and never be a burden on Cas again, when I was stopped by something soft under my foot and a loud yowling growl. 

Startled, I reared back and fell on the bed again, staring into the eyes of a very puffed up black kitten. Recovering quickly from the shock, I got down on my knees and held my hand out to them, and even though they were still extra fluffy they leaned in to snuff at my fingers softly.

“Im sorry sweetheart, I didn’t see you at all. Are you alright?” Gaining a little of the cat’s confidence, I scooted forward until I could run my hand down their back gently, smiling at the way they arched into my touch.

“There we go, can I check your tail please?” Running my fingers along the knobs of their tail, I tried to feel if any of the bones were noticeably out of place and breathed a sigh of relief when they were all in the right spot.

“Nah, you’re okay, still sorry though. That had to hurt.” The cat was practically in my lap now and rubbing against me, purring their heart out.

“You’re a honey aren’t you? C’mere.” Scooping them into my arms I laughed gently when they butted their head against my throat to rub their scent in.

“You know, I’ve never seen her act that way with anyone other than me.” Whipping around, I clutched the cat closer to me and tried to assess the threat before my brain recognized Cas’ deep voice. Feeling uncharacteristically shy after my behavior last night, I ducked my head down to look at the kitten instead of into his eyes. “Is that right? Normally I don’t bring out the best reactions in whoever I meet.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw him move closer to me until he could sit on the bed.

“Now why don’t I believe that?” His voice had a trace of humor in it, and when I dared to glance up at him, his eyes were gentle and kind. Once again, it was obvious that he was trying to put me at ease, and I felt another sting of guilt flash through me. He needed to stop _giving_ things to me, and he needed to stop acting like I wasn’t selfish for taking them. 

I was pretty sure his question was rhetorical, and for the first time, I couldn’t think of anything to say, so instead I offered him a tiny little smile. Trying to communicate how grateful I was to him, and that I was sorry.

He smiled back at me before standing up from the bed, “I made breakfast, little bit of everything, so there should be something you like.” He started to walk out of the room before he stopped in the doorway and threw over his shoulder, “You can go ahead and bring Meg with you, she’ll try to steal some food either way.” And then I was alone in the room again and I only briefly considered bolting before I stood up with Meg cradled against my shoulder and walked out to meet him in the kitchen.

I tried to be inconspicuous while checking out his apartment, but I was probably failing miserably. Granted I wasn’t trying very hard, and it was just so homey I couldn’t keep the soft smile off my face. The first thing I noticed were the piles of books everywhere. Overflowing from the bookcases, they were stacked in the corners and on tables, with every color and size imaginable. And the walls were covered frame to frame by these gorgeous pictures of nature, both abstract and realistic, that took my breath away. The only other thing I got a chance to really look at was a large atlas map that was littered with thousands of thumbtacks on every country in the world. _Theres no way he's been to all those places, no way. They have to be where he plans to go._

“What would you like?” Snapping my head around to look at Cas, I had to blink the sunlight out of my eyes while thinking of a way to answer. I hadn’t eaten breakfast in _ages,_ I just had absolutely no appetite in the mornings. So instead of answering right away I pulled out a chair and sat Meg in my lap, scratching under her chin.

“You know Cas, thank you, but I don’t really get hungry until a few hours after I wake up.” I looked up at him as he pushed my plate toward me. “Humor me.” His voice was firm, leaving no room for argument, but it was his eyes brimming with concern that made me cave. No way was I gonna let him worry about _another_ thing about me. So I could suck it up, and shove the food down my throat no matter how not hungry I was.

“Alright, toast and eggs please.” Smiling softly at me, he started to load up my plate with food, and I tried to keep the grimace off my face when I thought about how hard it was going to be to eat all of that.

However much I expected to have to act my way through eating this, it was actually delicious. Because of course he was a good cook, of course. My mind wandered as breakfast passed in easy silence, and I realized I had no idea what day it was.

“Cas, whats today?” He chewed slowly as he furrowed his brow at me before he answered, “The nineteenth.”

“No, I mean what day of the week?” And now he set his fork down on the table and gave me his undivided attention.

“You don’t know what day it is?” _Why is he looking at me like that._

“Well no I—”

“How hard did they strike you? I was just making a judgment call off of your bruising, and it didn’t seem to swell enough to make me worry about a concussion since it was just on your cheekbone not your temple, but I still should have been keeping an eye on you.” He snagged a tiny flashlight off the counter as he walked around the table to sit in front of me.

“Cas—”

“Just look straight forward, don’t move your head.” I flinched at first when he shined the flashlight in my eye, but then held still and did as he asked while he measured the dilation time of my pupils.

“Are you experiencing any nausea? Headache?”

“Im fine, Cas.”

“Do you have any blank periods in your memory of last night?”

“What? No Cas, promise. I am crystal clear on last night, trust me.” Which is going to make sleeping even harder. Fantastic. “Well, I mean Im a little fuzzy about how I came to _you._ But I don’t think thats a memory thing, more like I just wasn’t thinking very clearly at the time.” He narrowed his eyes at me, and I rolled mine at his concern, pushing my chair back to put some space between us.

“Stop worrying, will you? I _never_ know what day it is. I always just rely on my pho— shit.” Patting pockets that I already knew were empty, I flitted my eyes around the room, trying to see if my phone was anywhere in plain sight.

“Whats wrong?”

“Cas, do you know where my phone is?” This was bad.

“You had nothing with you when you walked here last night.” Oh this is very very bad. I groaned and covered my face with one hand while holding the other out to Cas. 

“Cas, can I borrow your phone to call my voicemail please?” I heard no answer, but I felt him slip his phone into my waiting palm. “They’re gonna kill me.” And sure enough, I had four new voicemails all from my overprotective, worried sick big brothers.

_“Y/N, you can’t avoid us forever, you know. You’re going to have to pick up the phone eventually. We aren’t going to let your text messages fly for much longer.”_ Yeah Sam, I know.

_“Y/N, just let us know you’re alright, I know you don’t want to talk to us, but we need to know if you’re safe.”_

_“Where are you?! You’re starting to freak us out, Y/N. Call. Me. Back.”_

_“Y/N—”_ I heard Sam let out an exasperated sigh when Dean interrupted him, “ _Just give me the goddamn phone Sam_.” Then Dean’s voice was much louder, and I found myself flinching when I imagined his expression. “ _Listen here, Y/N. I’ve had enough. You don’t want to talk to us? Too bad. You’ve been dodging all of our calls for the last four damn weeks, and I’m not dealing with this bullshit anymore. Either you pick up the goddamn phone, or we’re coming over. You have until tomorrow.”_ _Great. Just what I need._ Lifting my head, I looked over to see Cas watching me with confusion and concern warring on his face.

“Cas would it be alright if I called my brother?”

“Of course, is everything alright?” I didn’t look at him, instead focusing on typing in the number I already knew by heart. 

“Its fine, Cas. I just didn’t get the chance to text my brothers back yesterday, and they get a little paranoid when it comes to my safety.” _Understatement._ Turning away from Cas, I braced myself for the inevitable chastising I was about to receive. He answered on the first ring.

“Dean Winchester.” 

“Hey De—” He didn’t even let me finish his name.

“Y/N, where the _fuck_ have you been?”

“I know Dean, I’m sorry. I lost my phone yesterday, otherwise I would have texted you.”

“You lost it? What do you mean you lost it?” 

“You’re a smart guy Dean, ask Sammy to let you borrow his dictionary. I’m sure it’ll clear it right up.” There goes my vow of being patient and understanding.

“Hilarious. I’m serious Y/N, you always have it. How did you lose it?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Dean. I was just kind of out of it yesterday, and I misplaced it. Im sure it’ll pop up sometime, and until it does I’ll find some way to contact you and let you know I’m okay.” There was a little bit of a pause, and I crossed my fingers that he wasn’t pissed at me anymore.

“How exactly are you calling me right now?” Okay, I wished he hadn’t asked me _that._

_“_ i’m using a friends phone.” I closed my eyes in frustration, because that is probably the worst way I could have answered that.

“Which—” Offense as best defense, I cut him off.

“Anyway, I got all your guy’s voicemails. I know I’ve been bad with getting back to you the past few days, but you guys way overreacted. I can take care of myself just fine, no need to go into a freaking panic every time it takes me a bit to respond.” 

“This isn’t just about the last few days, Y/N. You haven’t talked to us in _weeks_. Every time we called you, you ignored us and texted some bullshit excuse about how you couldn’t talk right now. And then these past few days, you couldn’t even be bothered to do that much. So yeah, sue us, we were pretty fucking worried.” He was right of course. I was acting like a child, thinking that if I don’t look at my problems they’ll disappear. My voice was a lot softer when I answered.

“I’m sorry, Dean. Tell Sam I’m sorry too.” 

“You done avoiding talking to us then?” Not about what you _want_ me to talk about, Dean.

“I promise I’ll answer when you call me, if I can.” 

“Good. We’re just worried about you, kiddo.”

“I know. I worry about you both too.” I rolled my eyes when I heard them laugh. They both gave me a lot more reasons to worry than I gave them. And then I heard Sam’s voice a little muffled, “Dean can I talk to her?”

“Y/N?”

“Hey Sammy.”

“Would you want to grab some dinner tonight?” He was a fool if he thought I didn’t recognize his ‘too innocent’ voice. I wasn’t going to let them corner me if I could help it, especially right now.

“Can’t Sammy, I’m not home.”

“Where are you?” It always amazed me how quick they could flip that switch and instantly become suspicious. 

“No particular place. I just needed out of my apartment, so I’m exploring. Did you know that the city has more than just places to eat? Its a revelation.”

“And you’re going to be exploring for the next 9 hours?”

“Thats the plan. Actually I’m pretty booked up.” As I spoke I picked up a spoon from the table and examined how dark my bruises were. “I should be free in about a week. Wanna grab dinner then?” They wouldn’t be completely gone by then, but faded enough that I could cover them in concealer.

“Alright, sounds good. We can’t wait to catch up with you.” Nice, Sammy. Subtle. 

“Yeah, I’m sure you guys have gone on tons of adventures, you’ll have to tell me all about them. Alright, I have to go Sammy, I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Bye, Y/N.” And then in the background, “Be good, kiddo.”

“Always.” Hanging up, I turned around to see that Cas had gone to fill up Meg’s food bowl, trying to give me some privacy. I watched him for a few seconds, distracted by how the sun looked when it filtered through his hair.

“Can I help you with the dishes?” He straightened up and turned to look at me, frowning.

“You haven’t finished your breakfast.” Glancing down at my plate, I saw that I had managed half a piece of toast and a few bites of eggs. Which I thought was pretty fucking impressive.

“Like I said Cas, I just don’t get hungry in the mornings. But thank you, it was delicious.” I smiled at him, choosing to ignore the understanding that flashed across his face that was quickly followed by concern. I stood up from my chair, and started gathering dishes to bring to the sink when I was stopped by Cas’ hands gently taking them from me, which was a big contrast to how angry he looked.

“Y/N, you should be resting, not _lifting things_. I’ll take care of clean up, you go sit down on the couch.” I tightened my grip on the dishes, but then let go with a gasp when the tugging shot a sharp pain through my ribs. I glared at the knowing look he gave me and spun on my heel to stomp over to the couch, fed up with my body betraying me all the damn time. I cooled off pretty quickly when Meg jumped into my lap and nestled herself into Cas’ shirt, though. Stroking through her fur calmed me down enough to make an assessment of myself. My ribs really weren’t that bad, I mean sure, they were hurting constantly, but it wasn’t as awful as they were before. Definitely bruised, not broken.

My mind wandered again as I listened to the sounds of Cas moving around the kitchen. I couldn’t go home yet, not for awhile at least. I knew that the boys wouldn’t take my ‘exploring the city’ at face value, John trained them better than that, and I couldn’t let them see me until my face had healed up at least. Which meant I would be sleeping in the storage room at work for the next week or so, because I couldn’t think of anything worse than seeing their faces fall at the first glance at my bruises. 

First things first though, I had to thank Cas, and make him let go of this obligation to take care of me. People who got close to me only got burned, it was time he realized that.

“Cas, can I use your phone again to call a cab?” The noise of dishes clinking together stopped.

“Do you have anybody at home to watch over you?” This again, I didn’t need to be looked after.

“I’m not actually going home, I’m going to work.” I craned my neck backwards to see him leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, watching me.

“Why? Its Sunday.” Sunday, right. Well at least I hadn’t missed a day of work.

“I know Cas, but I don’t want to go back home just yet.” I turned around more fully when I saw him drop his arms and take a few steps in my direction.

“Is somebody hurting you at your apartment?” I felt the shock cross my face when I heard just how low and threatening his voice became, before I hurried to reassure him.

“No, Cas, nothing like that. I just don’t want to risk seeing Dean and Sam before I heal and then having to make something up to explain.” His posture lost that dangerous stance that caught me off guard, but he looked no less angry.

“You don’t have to isolate yourself, Y/N. Your brothers care about you, it doesn’t make you weak—” I cut him off, and Im sure I looked as angry as he did.

“I’m not talking about this. Can I use your phone or not?” Cas was completely still, the only thing saving him from being a statue was the muscle bunching in his jaw. Then the tension in his shoulders slowly dissipated, like he was making a conscious effort to calm himself.

“Is your plan to hide at your job until you heal?” I bristled a little bit a the word ‘hide’, even though thats exactly what I was doing.

“Just until the bruises can be covered up.” I tried to fight the blush from rising in my cheeks when I heard how stupid of a plan this was, but I kept my chin up and met his gaze straight on.

“You could heal just as easily here.” My mouth dropped open, and it took me a few seconds to remember the muscles to close it, because he couldn’t be serious. He couldn’t actually be _volunteering_ to have me take up space in his home for a week, and subject himself to my problems in his safe place.

“I would feel better knowing you are safe, and that you have a bed to sleep on instead of the floor.” And no, he was definitely serious, which was even worse.

“Cas, you don’t understand what you’re signing up for—”

“If you’re only hesitation in staying here is your irrational thinking that you are a burden to me, then I don’t want to hear it.” He stepped closer to me, and I had to concentrate on not looking away to hide my face. “I would not have asked if I was not sure, Y/N.” He studied my face for a few seconds before asking again.

“Would you like to stay here until you heal?” _You can’t do this to him. You’ll ruin him. Run away, stop being selfish. Runrunrun._

“Yes.”

His smile really was quite beautiful.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to point out that Meg is truly a kitten, otherwise Cas wouldn't have let her pick her up either. I'll do better with next update, and get quicker about writing so I can move this thing along. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think this is shaping up to be a slow burn. God help me.
> 
> If I had the ability to send out sweetheart awards to you guys, I would. And you would all earn first place. love love love lovelies, alright?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating has made me a liar hasn't it? I'll try to stop making promises and then breaking them. Here is a mini (not so mini) chapter for you guys, while I figure out how the hell to get my words on paper for the next chapter. This is where last chapter was supposed to end, but I cut it short, so here you go. :D

I settled myself more comfortably into the couch because apparently I was becoming incapable of arguing against Cas’ concern for me. I was gonna have to work on that. Meg came up and curled up in the blanket Cas had thrown over my lap, so I indulged her with a head scratch because I had a hard time arguing with adorable kittens too.

It had been a long day. Cas was persistent when it came to making sure I didn’t overwork myself. I didn’t see what the issue was, if I wore myself out then that was my problem and nobody else’s. Cas disagreed, vehemently in fact, which is how I ended up on the couch. Honestly, I was pushing my luck with him. I had barely gotten him to let me skip lunch, and I doubt I would have the same luck with dinner. It was just that breakfast was too much, I needed more time to be hungry again, not that I was ever really hungry these days. 

“Cas, why are we watching this weird documentary thing again?” He huffed at me as he took his seat on the couch.

“First of all, Whale Rider is not a documentary. Secondly, you should give it a chance, its my favorite film.” That caught my attention. People’s favorite things always revealed a lot more about themselves than they would like to think, and I was undoubtedly curious about Castiel.

“Why is it your favorite?”

“If I tell you, it will ruin the ending.” I felt my lips tug upwards at the corners.

“God forbid.” He shushed me, trying to get me to pay attention to the screen and I indulged him, turning back to the TV, though I kept an eye on him through my peripheral vision.

As he got comfortable, he slung his arm over the back of the couch, still not coming close to touching me since we sat at separate ends of the couch. Suddenly the movie lost all of my attention. As surprised as I was to actually become interested in the little girl’s relationship with her grandfather, I couldn’t think of anything except how easily I could slot myself into his side. I kept sneaking glances at him out of the corner of my eye, but he just stared straight ahead, absorbed in Paikea’s story.

I forced my head straight, fiddling with the blanket in my lap, and tried to to ignore the itch under my skin that ached for some sort of touch.

_Get a fucking grip, Y/N._

There was something particularly lonely about not being touched, and I had gotten really good at ignoring it. If ever my bones felt too loose under my skin, and I was tempted to lean on someone to have them hold me together, I would just clench my fists and laugh loud enough that it drowned out the noise of me breaking apart. 

But its been worse since I met Cas. I lost the ability to lie to myself, and now theres nothing to drown out the voice in my head. _You are alone._ And it shouldn’t matter that much, because I already knew I was on my own, and I wanted it that way, was fine with it. Except, now my heart is heavy and I can’t remember how I fought this before. I just know that it hurts behind my ribs, and I’m too tired to pretend anymore. Maybe it would be alright to lean on someone for a little while. Maybe since it was Cas, that didn’t make me weak. 

“Cas, can I—” I don’t know how to ask, not even completely sure what I’m asking for. But then Cas looks over at me, and his face softens at whatever he sees on mine.

“Come here.” I crawl across the couch, close the distance between us until theres none at all and then I look at him, lost, because I don’t remember how to be close to someone. Cas knows though, so he wraps an arm around my waist and draws me into his side, and I very very gently lay my head against his chest and close my eyes.

I thought that everyone was lying when they said they could hear heartbeats when they put their head on somebody’s chest, but they weren’t. Cas’s heart is steady, and I can’t explain why it makes me feel safe to listen to it beating. My head rises a little bit with every breath Cas takes, and I sigh and feel the tension drain out of me as I slump against his side. I can feel his hand tracing tiny meaningless shapes against my hip and its so strange that its calming me instead of making me want to rip myself away from him. This is overwhelming and I can’t remember the last time I felt content to just stay still. There are no thoughts in my head besides the feelings of being held and safe, and _God, please don’t let me be alone again._  

“Her grandfather is a dick.”

“Yes he is. He’s stuck in his tradition that everything must be done the same, and its making him blind to what he already has.” I tilted my head up to peek at him, because he sounded a lot more passionate than a favorite movie called for, but beyond a little tightness in his jaw, his face was unreadable. Deciding to let it go for now, I nuzzled my face back into his chest. 

The movie plot line was actually super interesting, but what surprised me most was that I was even able to pay attention to it at all. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve been hyperaware of hands, and no doubt I knew _exactly_ how Cas was touching me, but I wasn’t tense, I was _comfortable._ Every time his breath ruffled the hair at the top of my head or I felt his arm tug me into a better position, I wasn’t distracted from the movie at all, I just moved where he wanted me to. Not once did I try to think of a way to get out from under his hands, or stiffen when his thumb gently brushed against the skin of my hip. My guard was down, which was probably very dangerous, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I even dared to fiddle with the hem of his t-shirt, and sneak glances up at him to see him smiling softly at Paikea proving her grandfather wrong.

I did find myself worrying about Cas a bit, because if he identified with this movie, then his family was more than a little fucked up. It made me livid to think of them even hypothetically treating him like Paikea, and it startled me a little bit to realize that in the short time I’d known him, Cas had already made it onto the list of people under my protection.

“ _Its okay, paka.”_ Oh Jesus Christ this is sad. I even felt tears well up in my eyes, though thats as far as they got. Thats as far as they ever get with me, excluding last night which I’m gonna do my damnedest to forget in a hurry. I felt Cas’ arm tighten around me even though I didn’t make a sound, and I didn’t need comfort for getting emotional over a freaking _movie_ , but I was grateful for it nonetheless.

“ _My name is Paikea Apirana, and I come from a long line of chiefs… stretching all the way back to the whale rider. I’m not a prophet… but I know that our people will keep going forward… all together, with all of our strength._ ”

When the credits started rolling, none of us moved, not even Meg who had wedged herself between my and Cas’ laps. Cas pinched my side lightly and I looked up to see him smiling knowingly at me.

“It was better than you thought, wasn’t it?” I shoved at his shoulder lightly, laughing, though that didn’t put any more space between us.

“Shut up, Cas.” I broke the staring contest first to glance over at the clock. _7:16_. Then Meg was hissing unhappily when Cas untangled himself from me and gently pushed her off his lap.

“Come on, I’ll make you dinner.” He didn’t wait for my answer, so he didn’t see my eyes roll up towards the ceiling. It was becoming clear that Cas wasn’t gonna budge on this food thing, and I was looking at a week of being uncomfortably full.

Scooping the very disgruntled Meg into my arms, I followed him grudgingly into the kitchen, puzzled when I saw him cracking eggs into a pan.

“Breakfast for dinner, Cas?” I tilted my head at him when he turned around looking dumbfounded.

“Oh. Right.” And now he absently wiped his hands on a towel, looking sheepish. “Its uh, the only thing I know how to cook, breakfast food. If you want something else, I could—”

“Eggs are fine, they’re great actually, Cas, don’t worry about it. Did nobody ever teach you how to make dinner?” I sat down at the table with Meg in my lap again, curious about his answer.

“Dinner was Gabriel’s job, my brother.” With my go ahead, he continued moving around the kitchen while speaking to me. “I handled breakfast for everyone, and I never saw the point of learning how to cook other foods. Breakfast has a wide variety of meals, and they’re delicious.” I smiled at how he came to breakfast’s defense, as I’m sure he’s had to do in the past.

“Makes sense.” I earned a tiny smile from him for that before he turned back to scrambling the eggs. I leaned back in my chair and scratched down Meg’s back when she put her paws on my stomach.

“You’re spoiled you know that? Not every kitten gets a spot at the table.” She only purred louder though, and arched her back under my fingers.

Soon enough Cas served his dinner of scrambled eggs and toast and sat down to eat beside me. I didn’t miss how he was watching me eat like a hawk, but even with the pressure, I couldn’t get more than half way through my plate before I felt like my stomach was about to tear open.

I pushed my plate away and spoke up quickly when I saw his eyes narrow at me.

“It was delicious Cas, but I can’t eat any more.”

“Y/N—” 

“I’m not lying Cas, I’m just not used to eating like this yet, okay?” His mouth twisted unhappily at me again, but he only nodded. I’m sure I would hear more on this later, but for now he was letting it go. Standing from my chair I tried to reach for my dishes again, but ended up raising my hands in surrender when I saw the glare he aimed at me. 

“Alright, alright, jeez.” Picking up Meg when I felt her paw at my ankles, I ambled around the living room, examining his books as I went. I expected them to be all scholarly books, but no, there were just as many pleasure books mixed in there as well. 

_Lost and Found, Riding Lessons, City of Bones, Arrows of the Queen._ That last one caught my attention, so I snagged it and then headed for the couch. I made myself comfortable, stretching out and propping my head up on a pillow with Meg snuggled against my chest. I started getting engrossed in Talia’s story and barely gave Cas any attention when he came to sit by me, only scrunching up my knees to give him room on the couch. I did notice when he held one of his books up high, offering to let me put my feet in his lap, an invitation that I took him up on. It just felt to natural to touch him, and I knew I was getting greedy, but I wanted to soak up being close to him for as long as I could. I’d need the memories for when I fucked this up.

I didn’t pay any mind to the time passing, but I was well into chapter five when Cas patted my feet to get my attention.

“I think its time I changed your bandages.” I looked over at him and his eyes made it clear that he wasn’t asking, so I decided to save my energy to argue about something else. I sat up on the couch and waited patiently while he fetched his med kit. He came back to sit beside me and gently caught my chin to turn my face towards his. His eyes were zeroed in on the bandages over my cheek and eyebrow, and it gave me the freedom to look over his face. He really had the bluest eyes I’d ever seen, though I guess thats not saying much since I never look at anyone’s face long enough to remember the details about them. My eyes flickered down against my will until they landed on his lips. And then I had to stop myself from leaning in, because for the first time, I wanted to know what somebody else’s lips _felt_ like, I wanted to know what _Cas’_ lips felt like. Would it feel different if I wanted it? If I wasn’t trying to bite the lips attacking mine, or merely kissing them to punish myself more? I brought myself back with the sting of the disinfectant against my cuts because _what the fuck?_ I couldn’t think about Cas that way, he was already in danger of being burned just by being close to me, and I wanted to get _closer?_ I ground my teeth together, disgusted with myself, and Cas misread it as pain.

“I’m sorry, do you need a break?” I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

“Its fine, Cas, I’d rather not drag this out.”

“Alright.” And then his hand was back, cleaning my face even gentler than before. “These look much better, they’re healing up nicely, and I don’t anticipate them scarring.” Oh good, one less thing to hide.

“I would like to look at your ribs now, I didn’t get a chance to last night.” He placed his hands on the hem on my shirt. “May I?” I nodded at him, and then tried not to shiver when he rolled his shirt up to just under my bra, baring my stomach. He frowned unhappily at the bruises and then put his hand over my ribs and gently pressed down, testing the bones. I sucked in a sharp breath, but kept the pain off my face while he looked me over. It didn’t take him long to confirm what I already knew.

“They’re bruised, not broken. I would still like to wrap them, and since you are staying here you have no grounds to argue with me.” He looked at me sternly, but he really didn’t need to. My main concern before was the boys finding out, and I was safe from their too sharp eyes here.

“Fine Cas, if it’ll make you feel better.” 

“It will.” He seemed much more at ease when he returned with bandages to wrap up my torso. His hands were quick and competent as they wound around my ribs, and it was that more than anything else that secured it in my head that Cas was a _doctor,_ and how crazy was that? I was barely an animal handler.

“This is temporary, and you shouldn’t keep it on for long periods of time. Really its only to help you sleep through the pain, so that your body has a better chance to heal, but you should take it off intermittently throughout the day. If you don’t have it off sometimes so you can take deep breaths, you could be at risk for pneumonia since your lungs aren’t filling up all the way like they usually do.” I was going to inform him that I could fall asleep just fine, pain or not, but I knew he wouldn’t listen to me anyway.

“Thanks Cas.” And I meant it, but I noticed that he never said anything back when I told him that, like he didn’t think his actions warranted thanks.

When he was done, I was really surprised at how much the bandage dulled the pain, and I felt tension that I didn’t even know was there drain out of my shoulders. I pulled his shirt down and tried to stifle a yawn behind my hand, but Cas noticed of course.

“You should go to bed, I think I have an extra toothbrush lying around here somewhere.” He got up to hunt me down one, and it made me start thinking about how I had no clothes here, let alone my uniform. I got up to follow Cas into the bathroom.

“Cas do you know any busses that leave from here early in the morning? I need to stop by my apartment to snag some things for work.” I was leaning against the door jam with my arms crossed when he looked up at me with his eyebrows drawn together.

“What do you do for your job?”

“I take care of the animals at the shelter. Cleaning up after them, feeding them, playing with them if I’m lucky.” He was frowning again.

“This is a very physical job?”

“Well yeah—”

“Then you shouldn’t be going to it anyway.”

“Cas, this is my job. I can’t slack off just because I got a little owie.”

“Will you stop minimizing your pain? This is serious, I’m sure your boss will understand a few sick days.” At my increasingly murderous expression, he adjusted his response. “Just one day. Just let yourself rest for one day. Please.” _Damnit._ I felt myself wavering under his puppy eyes, a weapon I had no defense against. I held up a finger.

“ _One.”_ He smiled at me, relieved, and I rolled my eyes and snatched the toothbrush out of his hand, heading over to the sink and shooing him out of the room. _Stupid, overprotective puppy._  

When I was done, I walked towards the couch, ready to plop down and fall asleep when I felt a hand wrap around my elbow, and I turned to find Cas glaring at me.

“ _I_ will be taking the couch, _you_ will be taking the bed.” I stared at him, shocked for a few seconds because _he couldn’t be serious._

“If you think that I’m going to stay here and eat your food for free _and_ force you out of your comfy ass bed, then you’re delusional Cas.”

“You want to heal quickly don’t you? Fastest way to do that is to get a good nights sleep.”

“I can get _just as good_ a nights rest on the couch, Cas.”

“You are _not_ sleeping on the couch, Y/N, and thats final.”

“Well I’m not gonna let you either!”We stood fuming at each other for a few seconds, while I tried to ignore the obvious solution. When it became clear that he wasn’t going to suggest it though, I took a big breath and tried to ignore the unfamiliar butterflies in my stomach.

“We could just share the bed, Cas.” I tried to fight the stupid blush staining my cheeks when I saw his eyebrows lift upward, clearly not expecting my response. Hating feeling embarrassed, I turned on my heel towards his bedroom, not waiting to see if he followed. _Its just a bed, people share beds all the time._ I ripped the sheets back with perhaps a bit more violence than necessary, but I didn’t want to let him know how nervous I was. Nervous. Not scared. Which was definitely new too.

I turned on my side, back to him, and folded my hands against my chest. I could hear him on the other side of the bed, shuffling from foot to foot, clearly hesitating.

“Y/N, are you sure its—”

“Just get in the damn bed, Cas” He didn’t say another word, just did as I asked and slipped under the covers.

And for a few seconds I just laid there, wishing that he wasn’t so much of a gentleman, and wouldn’t have left so much space between us, because it only takes me those few seconds to realize I don’t _want_ space.

So I turned over before that voice in my head saying I don’t deserve it could talk me out of moving closer to him. I scooted over in the dark, finding him with my hands first before I pressed myself against his side.

“Is this okay?” I held my breath while I waited for his answer, because forget it if _I_ wanted to be close to him, what if _he_ doesn’t want that? What if—

“You are not a burden to be beside, Y/N.” I smothered my smile in his skin and relaxed against his chest, feeling warmer when he wrapped his arm around my waist and used his other hand to brush the hair out of my face gently.

Maybe later I’ll hate the way that I’ve gotten addicted to his touch, hate that I wasn’t strong enough to resist feeling his arms around me tonight. Maybe later I’ll realize what a mistake getting attached to Cas was. Maybe later I’ll stop being selfish for long enough to do the right thing and leave.

But tonight, theres somebody else’s heartbeat thumping in my ears, and somebody else’s breath keeping mine deep and even. Tonight, somebody’s hands are holding me gently with the unspoken promise to keep me safe and not leave me alone. So, just for tonight, I let myself be selfish and cherish the skin touching mine. Just this once I let myself be cradled and don’t wonder if I deserve it.

For a few minutes, I struggled to stay awake, not wanting to let this moment end, but I was too warm and comfortable to fight for long. I could’ve sworn I heard him start to hum softly in my ear, but then I fell into my dreams, feeling his arms constrict around me, refusing to let go.

 

 

 

 

 

“ _She buried her ears into the calm of his heartbeat and in a matter of seconds fell terribly in love with the way her loneliness fell softly and suddenly asleep in his chest.” -Christopher Poindexter_

 

_* * *_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love that quote, and a lot of this chapter is inspired by it, so I had to include it. Here I've written you all a poem.
> 
> You are amazing,  
> Irreplaceable in fact.  
> Never forget that.
> 
> Thank you all for existing lovelies. <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am literally so sorry. Its not a real excuse, but im blaming college for all my problems. You guys have been troopers, so I typed this out on the way home today. Yes, I braved potential car sickness for you all, but you're worth it you know that? So here is this wee babe chapter, over break they'll get longer, and who knows the plot might actually move along too.

_I spin around at the sound of laughter, cautiously moving closer to the sound. I keep most of myself hidden when I peek around the corner, prepared for any kind of threat. Instead all I see is a little girl laughing at her two brother’s while she paints their nails. I’m stuck on her face for some reason, captivated by the joy I see there._

_My foot brought me one step into the room, but as soon as I moved the whole scene changed. Now she’s climbing a tree, still giggling, only she’s bigger now. I lift my hand, trying to warn her, but I’m too late and she's falling. The tree disappears before she hits the ground and now everything is dark._

_I look around, trying to adjust to the darkness, and see the door open at the end of the hallway. She steps through it, and she's definitely older now. Theres no laughter this time. Her hair is coming undone and the shoulder of her shirt is ripped. I step toward her, wanting to help her somehow, wanting to hear her laugh again._

_“What happened to you?” Her eyes are haunted and they stare right through me. When she opens her mouth, no sound comes out. I jump when I hear glass shattering against the wall and the deep roar that seems to echo around the room, but she doesn’t flinch. She closes her eyes._

_The walls fade away and now we’re walking down an alley. I don’t like it. There are other voices with us, but I’m not comforted by the fact we aren’t alone. I grab for her hand, wanting to take her away from here, protect her, but I can’t move at all. Panicking, I turn toward her to tell her to run away, but she's not next to me. The men that were walking with us have her pressed against the wall, and they’re hurting her. She's fighting back but she's losing. I can tell she's terrified even though she's trying not to show it, and I hate it._

_“Help me! Do something!” I re-double my efforts against whatever invisible force is holding me. Im shaking, and I can feel the sweat dripping down my back, but nothing happens. I keep struggling anyway._

_“I’m trying! I—I don’t— I can’t, its too strong! I’m sorry!” I’m devastated. I can’t help her, I’m useless._

_“Try harder! Help me! Do something! Say something goddamnit!” I keep fighting for her, but I feel my strength fading, and I know its hopeless._

_“I’m not strong enough, I’m sorry.” I want to give up, but she needs me. Thats when she looks right at me, but she's not crying, she's angry. I feel every word she says like a knife twisting in my skin._

_“This is your fault.” Its the way she spits the words that makes me recognize her, feel like I know her. Then the invisible force that was holding me still is pulling me over to where she is, and I’m as helpless against it as before. My fingers leave bloody stripes on the asphalt. The girl has stopped fighting the men holding her, and now she just waits for me to collide with her, disgust written all over her face. I’m dragged until I’m hovering millimeters above her eyes. I whisper, my voice breaking, as if it makes any difference, “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.” She whispers too, “I hate you.”_

_I feel myself be sucked into her, and its too much, too many memories, I can’t bear it. I close my eyes._

_When I open them, I’m looking up from where her eyes used to be, and immediately I realize_ She’s me. _And then I feel the hands scraping over my skin, and I’m begging in my head because my mouth is welded shut._

_“Don’t make me watch again please, I don’t want to. I don’t want to fail again. Don’t make me. don’tdon’tdon’t.” The hands around my wrists tighten, and I don’t know how they learned my name, but they’re saying it over and over, louder and louder, until I’m screwing my eyes up against the noise._

“Y/N!” 

I jolt upward, snapping my eyes open, and tug to get my wrists back but they’re held firm. 

“Calm down. You’re in my apartment, you decided to stay with me until you heal. You’re safe here, nobody is going to hurt you. I wouldn’t let them. You’re safe here.” I stop fighting against the hold on me, and flick my eyes around the room, taking in my surroundings. The lamp beside me is turned on, and I recognize the books stacked in every corner. Right. This is Cas’ place. I’m staying with Cas. 

I realize that Cas’s hands have left my wrists as I turn back to face him, not knowing what to say. Once he sees my eyes focus on him instead of whatever was playing inside my head, he backs off and moves toward the door, and I’m grateful for the space. I bring my knees up to my chest and avoid looking at him, and after a few seconds of standing there he turns to leave.

I breathe out shakily against my knees, digging my fingers into my thighs. _Just a dream, it was just a dream._ Except it wasn’t. Not really.

I stay just like that for a few minutes more, getting my breathing under control. My hands still shake, but they aren’t in fists anymore. And I am suddenly exhausted, just bone tired and my chest hurts, but I’m not going back to sleep. Not after that.

“Drink this, its hot chocolate.” I flinch backwards against the headboard, bringing my arms up to protect my face, but then my mind catches up and I recognize that voice. And I remember that I’ve never felt as safe as I have with that voice.

I lower my hands quickly and feel a blush staining my cheeks at my overreaction. I hope he can’t see it in the light of the lamp. I’m not sure if I can speak without my voice cracking, so I don’t, just extend my hands toward him and smile just a very little bit.

I was a little afraid of what I would see in his face, but theres just sorrow in his mouth and kindness in his eyes and maybe a little bit of anger in the hinge of his jaw.

“Careful, its hot.” I blow on it once I’m settled back against his headboard, and follow him with my eyes as he comes around to sit beside me again. The fact that he leaves me plenty of space does not escape my notice.

“Have I ever told you about the time I got stuck out in the middle of the Sangkae River in Cambodia?” I’m sure he knows my answer, but I shake my head at him anyway.

He smiles but doesn’t look at me while he speaks, and I wonder if he knows I don’t like being stared at when I’m feeling vulnerable. “Its not my finest moment.”

“My father used to travel all over the world trying to convert “lost souls” to his religion to “save” them.” Cas rolls his eyes hard enough to make me stifle a smile into my hot cocoa mug. “Naturally, he was gone a lot, so when he offered me the chance to come with him I was packed within the hour. Back then I was not as… outspoken against his crusades as I am now, but I was certainly hesitant to tell others I knew better than them about the unknowable. Father was displeased with me of course, but he allowed me to accompany him on the condition that I would tell the Locals parables from the bible while he was working. I was around sixteen then, and just starting to become more rebellious, so I had no intention to lecture the people there about a religion I wasn’t completely sold on myself, but unfortunately my father’s reputation preceded me and I was met with nothing but distrust from anyone I came into contact with. Father left me in that village for about a month and half, and my first week there was unpleasant to say the least.” 

I was surprised when my next sip of hot cocoa was nothing but air, as enraptured in his story as I was. As quietly as I could so I wouldn’t disrupt him, I set my cup down on his bedside table and then turned myself more fully toward him, snuggling into my pillow.

“Nobody would even speak to me, and they all became extraordinarily good at pretending I didn’t exist. And you know? I couldn’t even blame them, I wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with my father either. I had resigned myself to a very lonely month until father came to collect me, and I spent much of my time walking in the woods surrounding the village, willing to do anything to relieve the boredom.” Here, he shook his head, laughing a little bit at himself and I noticed how much I had unconsciously moved toward him since I was looking up at him now, with half a foot of space between us.

“I was walking along the river after it had just rained so the water level was elevated and there was more of a chill to it than normal. I noticed something hanging over the water in the breeze and when I stopped to investigate, I realized it was a sort of rudimentary swing, if you could even call it that. It was just a broken piece of log tied around the middle with a very frayed looking strand of rope connected to a branch hanging well over the river. Now hopefully, with any rational human, identifying the object would have been enough to satisfy their curiosity and they could have continued their walk. I’m sure you’ve guessed that I did not fall into that category.” 

My hand had taken to playing with the hem of his T-shirt while I listened to him, and I saw his eyes glance down at it before he picked back up where he left off.

“I had just spent the last seven days doing nothing but walking along the same paths, so unwise or not, I was going to swing on that broken piece of log. I took off my shoes and my shirt, because if I did end up falling in, I wanted to make it easier on myself to swim out. Now this tree had no branches lower down, just a long trunk, but it was leaning far enough over the water that I was able to bear hug it and shimmy my way up. I was told later that I looked like a baby Gibbons monkey learning to climb for the first time, which actually became my nickname for the rest of the month.” His smile was fond now, and I wondered what it would be like to have him look at me like that.

“At this point, I’m level with the branch holding up the rope and I’m starting to second guess myself a little bit. It was actually quite high up, I’d say easily twenty feet, and up close it was much easier to see how poor a state the rope was in. There was a moment where I almost climbed back down, but before I could even finish the thought I had swung myself off the branch and was hanging from it by my fingertips. If I really wanted to, I could have pulled myself back up but I was determined again, and I wasn’t going anywhere until I had sat on that log.”

I scooted myself closer until my head was resting on his pillow and didn’t let myself think of anything except cool rivers rushing by and a reckless boy hanging precariously off a tree.

“I’m not quite sure how I managed it, and I think it was more of a controlled fall than anything, but I slid down the rope and somehow landed my feet on that little piece of wood. Not unscathed of course after a slide like that, I still have the rope-burn scar on my leg, but it was worth it. Unfortunately, I had not thought through the fact that there was no ground for me to push off of, and with the rope awkwardly tied in the middle, it was near impossible to gain any momentum just by moving. So I ended up just hanging over the water, gently swaying, but I didn’t mind. The water was beautiful, I wish you could’ve seen how the sky reflected off it.” He paused then, looking at a loss for words, before he shook his head and continued.

“After about an hour or so though, I realized I needed to climb back up or I wouldn’t have the strength. My arms were already shaking horribly from constantly having to hold myself up, and I was getting tired. So I pulled myself up and started trying to climb up the rope, and it only took me a few tries to realize I couldn’t. The rope was thin, thinner than my pinky thin, and my hands had no traction to grip onto, so it just kept slipping through my fingers. For a few seconds, I was completely dumbstruck because even though I knew falling into the river was a possibility, it hadn’t even crossed my mind that I would _actually_ have to swim out of this. And just as I was starting to wrap my head around the mistake I made, I saw some kids from the village paddling down the river on their raft.” As he was speaking I lifted up his arm and tucked myself into his side, resenting how cold the bed felt without him right next to me. This time, I think he was very careful to put no pause in his words, and kept speaking as if I had done nothing at all.

“My first thought was, ‘Thank god, they’ll be able to take me to shore no problem.’ Of course, I should have considered that I was hardly a friend to any of the villagers, but I wasn’t thinking of that then. I knew to be polite though, and not outright ask them to help me. So, in the limited Khmer I knew, I said, ‘Looks like I’m a bit stuck here, guys.’ They all started laughing to the point that they were almost in danger of falling off their raft, and it took a few seconds for one of them to respond to me. Now remember I didn’t know much Khmer, but I knew enough to understand when he said, ‘Looks like you have to get wet then.’ And then they paddled on and if I’m completely honest, the only thought running through my brain was, “Well. Shit.” 

That startled a little laugh out of me, Cas never swore. I saw him tilt his head down and smile warmly at me, and felt his hand tighten a little bit around my lower back.

“I didn’t know it, but they were waiting just around the river bend, watching me and about to turn back and get me, except I had already accepted my fate. I told myself, ‘You made your bed, now lie in it Castiel.’ And then I closed my eyes and slid off the log. The water was the type of cold that punched the breath from you, and I was muttering profanities the whole swim back to shore. It took a bit, the current was a lot stronger than I gave it credit for, another misjudgment on my part, but eventually my foot touched down on one of the roots of the trees and I flung myself onto the bank. I laid on my back for a little while shivering and panting, before I started laughing. I laughed until my sides hurt and I felt like I couldn’t drag in air, and I remember thinking that I haven’t laughed like this in years and I never wanted it to end. Eventually I sat up, still smiling so hard my cheeks ached, and I saw the group of boys had circled back and were watching me on the bank, laughing just as hard as I was. That was the first time they had laughed with me, and not at me. After that, it was the best six weeks of my life. Everyone had suddenly accepted me as one of their own, and made it their mission to show me their outrageously generous side. One of the boys, Kenji, told me later that it was the look on my face right before I jumped in that changed me in his mind, and he could never tell me exactly what he saw, just that he felt like he had glimpsed a part of who I was. And I count myself extremely lucky that he found that person worthy enough to get to know. 

That was the first time that I saw what a family was supposed to be like, and I told them so when it was time for me to leave. One of the women hugged me tight and told me I was always welcome there. I still make it out there every year to catch up with everyone, and I consider them some of my closest friends.” He stopped talking then and lifted his other hand to start idly playing with a strand of my hair. And I couldn’t believe it, but my mind was quiet, and my heart was calm and I somehow impossibly felt sleep dragging down my eyelids. I knew I should have felt scared to go back to sleep, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel anything but safe.

“Tell me another.” And he did, his words painting me a beautiful picture that didn’t have any room for darkness or fear. So I tangled my legs with his and whispered the words, “Thank you” into the faded fabric of his T-shirt, and hoped that he understood what I meant. He didn’t pause in his story, just pulled me tighter against him and ran his fingers through my hair. Weights pulled on my eyelids, and I let them close, finding courage in the gravel of his voice to face my nightmares one more time.

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing thats always bothered me in alot of the fics I've read, is that as soon as the hurting character, be that an OC or Dean most of the time, finds their significant other, all of their problems disappear. Suddenly, they're able to sleep right through the night, and they spill everything that was wrong with them immediately, and I don't think thats how things work, and I think that can be an unhealthy message to spread most of the time. I don't think people should be waiting around for someone to save them, because when it comes down to it, the only one who can save you is YOU. But by no means does that mean others can't help you heal, and I think healing can go much faster and easier with someone to support you along the way. So spending the night with Cas doesn't stop the OC's nightmares, but the important thing is that Cas is there to help her with them. No, he can't make all her problems disappear, but he can promise she will never face them alone, and really what more could she ask for? 
> 
> I get out on December 12th, and im gonna spoil you all rotten with updates then okay? You guys are the best, and my inspiration to keep writing, and I love you okay? Ill be back soon as i can :) <3
> 
> Oh, and Cas' story? Replace Cas with me, Cambodia with Ohio, and the children on the raft with an old man in a kayak, and you've got yourself a true story. Don't try that at home kids.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, its become clear that I've turned into a dirty liar and should never make promises about updates again. I have no excuse except I was very bad and wrote ahead to big plot points chapters, and then lost my steam on this fluffy chapter that is still just slowly building their relationship. Good news though, within the next one or two chapters we should finally get to dinner with the boys!
> 
> This chapter has gotta be dedicated to rrrartist, who has boundless enthusiasm for me that makes me smile. Its like 4 am right now, and since NONE of you should be awake, I am counting this as last night, and me as on schedule.
> 
> Also, because it is 4 in the morning, editing was hard, so i didn't. I'll fix that later.

I was woken softly by the same thing that put me to sleep, Cas’ heartbeat. There was no jolting, no gasping for breath, no clenching my hands into fists, just a fluttering of my eyelids and a lazy sigh that sank me further into his chest. 

I felt a warmth behind my ribs that I didn’t want to let go of, even though I couldn’t put a name to it. All I knew was that i liked feeling Cas’ breath against the top of my head, and I was content to never move again. Not that I could, if I wanted to. My legs were weaved through his, and tangled far too intricately in the sheets for my sleep-fogged brain to even begin to deal with. A quick glance up at his face showed closed eyes and a jaw relaxed in sleep, but his arms were still locked around my back, holding me tightly. 

Reaching up, mindful not to wake him, I started to trace the design spanning across his chest, marveling at the warmth under my fingertips. My mind wandered over my nightmare last night and I shivered involuntarily. 

It was the same every night, with little variations. Sometimes John was the voice yelling at me to try harder, sometimes Dean and Sam were walking down the alley next to mine, and I knew I would be safe if I could just get to them, but I never could. Little differences that didn’t matter. I was always helpless, and I always failed.

Last night was a bit different though. It was—comforting I suppose, having someone with me when I woke up. It didn’t stop the nightmares, I’m not sure anything could do that, but it calmed me down enough to go back to sleep after, which never happened. It was a bloody miracle if I could sleep five hours before a nightmare forced me out of bed and towards a book by the fire.

I did wake up once more during the night, though not near as violently. The nightmare stopped before it had even really started, and then I was blinking at the moonlight filtering through my curtains and staying very still so I wouldn’t wake Cas. It took a few minutes for my pulse to calm, but then I laid my ear over Cas’ heart and used its beating to chase the last of the trembles from my hands.

I was still exhausted, and my eyes felt dry and scratchy, but I had stayed in bed all night, which I hadn’t done in years. No nightmares would be better, but thats just not in the cards for me, so I’ll take what I can get.

I lifted my head to glance up at him again and then very quickly snatched my hand back from where it had been tracing over his T-shirt when I saw his eyes staring back at me.

“Oh! Umm, good morning, Cas.” I cringed at how I stumbled over my words, and felt my face heat to another level than before. Damn it.

“Good morning, Y/N.” His eyes were wide with surprise, but there was definitely amusement mixed in there too. Bastard. And I was still laying on top of him.

“Right well, I’ll just—” I cut off my sentence and tried to heave myself off of him, but my legs were tangled with his and I ended up losing my balance and just barely catching myself from crashing into his face. I gasped out loud and had an apology on my lips before I was distracted by how close his face was to mine. 

He was frozen with eyes wide, but I couldn’t focus on anything but the red spots on his cheeks and the line of his jaw. I saw his adam’s apple move down his throat and suddenly his lips were much closer to mine and it took me a second to realize that I was leaning in.

I threw myself backwards and away from him, and rather promptly landed in a heap on the floor, blankets stripped from the bed and lying on top of me. Under the safety of the comforter, I covered my burning face with my hands and fantasized about staying buried under here forever. My ribs were a bit angry with me for the jarring fall, but they were the last things on my mind when I found the courage to peek through the sheets and saw Cas leaning over the bed and failing to smother a smile at me.

“Are you quite alright?” He was even worse at keeping the laughter out of his voice. I groaned and covered my face with the blankets again.

“Shut up, Cas.” Taking a deep breath and picking up myself and what remained of my dignity off the floor, I got up and moved to the door, keeping the sheet wrapped around me. It was freezing in here.

“I need a drink.” I didn’t turn to see him laughing, though Im sure he was. I scavenged around the kitchen, looking for his hot chocolate while I cringed over every second of the last five minutes. _Smooth Y/N._ And oh God, I had almost kissed him. _Cas._ Beautiful, amazing Cas. 

“Whats wrong with me?” The hot chocolate was silent, and really what answer was there to give? I just had to make sure there were no more almosts, no more so close. Which was completely fine, i didn’t need anyone to come in and make me laugh at how particular they are with where their books go even though there was no rhyme or reason I could figure out. I didn’t need to smile at anyones stupid, messy hair. And I did _not_ need anyone to listen to me like I mattered or they cared what I said. I was fine on my own. Just fine.

I had stopped stirring the hot chocolate and was left staring down at it, trying to remember how I managed to smile before when I felt like this.

“Everything alright?” I straightened up immediately and set the microwave for 2 minutes before I turned to smile at Cas. 

“Just fine, Cas.” He said nothing, just looked at me with sad eyes, so I cleaned up my act a little. “I can’t believe you have hot chocolate. Do you know how rare that is? Everybody else just has coffee, poor, misguided, idiots that they are.”

“I think they may take offense to that.”

“Let them.” I felt my eyes crinkle as my smile became more genuine, which seemed to put him at ease a bit.

“You want some, Cas? I can make another mug.”

“That’d be delicious, thank you.” I busied myself with getting another cup of milk and stirring in the hot cocoa mix while he sat down at the kitchen table, trying to come up with something to say. I didn’t do mornings with other people, was never required to talk to other humans until a time firmly after 9 o clock.

Just when I was freaking out that _it shouldn’t be this silent right? People normally talk to each other or something in the mornings right? God, what do normal people do? What—_

“How are your injuries?” Immediately I calmed down and rolled my eyes.

“Cas, ‘injuries’ makes it sound like I survived some vicious war, its just a baby scratch and some purple skin.” The microwave dinged and I went to grab our hot chocolates to join him at the table. “They are healing up nicely though, thanks to you.” I smiled at him again, but his face was stony.

“You have a habit of belittling your own trauma, its very concerning.” He reached out to gently take the hot chocolate from my hands before he spoke again. “And as the only doctor in this room, I believe I will be the judge of what qualifies as something to worry over.” Before I could come up with a suitable reply to assure him that I was most decidedly my own person and could take care of myself with no one else’s help, thank you, he was out of his chair and kneeling in front of me.

“May I?” As always, he asked because it was my body, my choice, and I was nodding before I even registered that I should be protesting being taken care of.

Gently, always gently, he lifted my shirt and unraveled the bandage from my torso, face hardening when my bruises were revealed.

“These have darkened.” 

“Yeah, that tends to happen the next day.” It was difficult to keep my voice even. The contrast with and without the wrap was very sharp, and it stole my breath a bit. It took me a few moments to get used to the pain again, and by the way his eyes hadn’t left me, it was too much to hope he didn’t notice.

“I’m sorry I can’t leave it on. I don’t think you would thank me if you wound up in the hospital for pneumonia.” 

“No, can’t imagine I would Cas. Don’t worry about it, I just needed a few seconds.” He hummed at me disbelievingly, and shifted closer to look at the cut below my eye. I held still as he lifted the bandages from my cheek, doing my best not to wince when they caught on the blood.

“This is looking better, I think we can let it breathe today.” He said the same for the laceration above my eyebrow, before gathering the bloody bandages to throw them away.

“Are you certain I can’t convince you to take some pain medication?”

“Yes I am. I like my head how it is, thanks.”

“Tylenol isn’t strong enough to affect judgement or hinder perception.”

“Still no, Cas.” He huffed, frustrated with me, but let it go. Reaching over I snagged my hot chocolate which was still pretty warm, considering.

“So can we sneak over to my apartment soon? I’d like to grab my stuff while its still early.” _And when Sam and Dean believe I'm at work._

“Of course, but you need breakfast first.”

“Cas c’mon, we’ve been over this—”

“If you want me to drive you to your apartment, you will eat the breakfast I make for you.”  He wasn’t even looking at me, just rummaging through the fridge to grab the eggs and bacon, completely ignoring my stormy expression. After a few seconds I lost my steam, and settled for pouting at the table, and once I realized how childish it was, I stopped that as well. Meg wound herself between my calves to rub against my ankles so I leaned down to tug her into my lap.

“Your papa’s insufferable, you know that?” She leaned into my hand when I scritched behind her ears and purred louder with her paws kneading my stomach. I sighed and felt the last of the irritation leave me. Cas was just worried, and I was probably less than graceful at accepting help if I’m honest.

“I think Meg would side with me in this instance.” A plate of scrambled eggs and bacon was laid in front of me, and I looked up to see Cas smiling gently at me. My lips mirrored his before I could stop them.

“You have to eat if I do.”

“That would only be fair.” This time he sat down right next to me instead of across to eat his breakfast. I got through 3/4 of the food before I got uncomfortably full this time, but there was so little left that I just shoved the rest in my mouth. Leaning back in my chair, I curled my arms around my stomach.

“Ugh Cas, don’t make me eat lunch please, my stomachs gonna split open.”

“Your stomach has shrunk due to your prolonged fast you’ve been putting your body through. It is necessary to stretch it back out to return yourself to a healthy weight.” His eyes didn’t waver from my face when he said this, and I felt myself wanting to shrink down away from his stare that knew too much. Nobody was ever as blunt with me as Cas was, granted nobody knew those things about me so they didn’t get the chance. I looked away first.

“Can we go now? You look dressed.” 

“Yes, let me just get my car keys. You can leave the dishes there, I’ll clean them up later.” I stood up from the table and gently untangled Meg’s claws from my shirt, ignoring her hissing and clinging.

“Trust me, you don’t wanna come see my place anyway. Theres no kitty food, and the couch is a lot less soft. Besides, we need someone to man the fort until we get back.” I scratched behind her ears again when she grudgingly settled in the blanket nest I made on the couch. “Good girl.”

I turned to see Cas waiting for me at the door and followed him out, ignoring him when he hovered close with his arm stretched out like I was in danger of falling down the steps. I rolled me eyes and followed him to his car, hurrying to the door so he wouldn’t hold it open for me like a gentleman. 

The drive to my apartment was quick, and I had Cas park in the same place as last time.

“I’ll be really quick alright? Just don’t go anywhere.”

“You don’t have to rush, I will be right here.” I opened my mouth to tell Cas _exactly_ why I needed to rush before I thought better of it and just smiled at him a little before opening the car door and shuffling out.

I kept my pace slow and nonchalant despite my instinct to sprint inside to be in and out as quickly as possible. Admittedly, I sped up into a brisk jog as soon as I was clear of the doors. I tripped up the stairs a bit because of the stupid cast, but it didn't slow me down at all. Fumbling with the stupid keys, I sent a prayer up to whoever was listening, “Please don’t be here, please don’t be here, please don’t be here.”  I held my breath when I pushed open the door and sighed in relief when my apartment was blessedly empty. “Thank you.”

I didn’t let their absence lull me into a false sense of security, they could still show up at any second. Snagging my duffel bag from the hall closet, I fast-walked to my bathroom and grabbed all my toiletries, grateful there weren’t many, and then grabbed my work clothes out of the dryer. Barely looking at what I was packing, I threw some changes of clothes into the bag, and then after a second’s deliberation, stuffed some of my favorite books in there too. I turned to walk out and then tripped on a pair of flats and shit! shoes! Definitely needed those. Tennis shoes and a pair of sandals were zipped in and then I was out the door, hardly taking the time to lock it behind me.

I took the stairs three at a time and then forced myself down to a walk when I exited the building. Cas was just where he said he’d be, though I hadn’t truly believed he would leave, it still warmed me some.

He looked startled when I slammed the passenger door behind me, breathing hard. “The song isn’t even over yet.”

“Must be a long song then. _Go,_ Cas.” Without another word, he pulled the car back onto the road, though I didn’t miss the sidelong glances he kept shooting at me.

“Y/N… would it be so bad if your brothers were to see you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it Cas.”

“You don’t want to talk about anything that bothers you, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And it doesn’t mean you’re exhibiting healthy behavior by repressing everything you don’t want to deal with.” I sighed heavily, battling against my instinct to become defensive and aggressive. Cas only meant well.

“Eyes on the road, cowboy.” I turned to watch the buildings as we cruised by, needing somewhere to look other than his profile. “Talking isn’t something I’m good at. Just stop asking Cas, you’re only gonna get frustrated and tired of hearing the same response. I’m stubborn apparently.” I turned to smirk at him, but he had listened to me and was looking intently at the road.

“You are worth the work, if you would let me try.” I froze and immediately locked down the part of me that hoped he wouldn’t give up, hoped he wouldn’t leave.

“We need to have a serious discussion about where you invest your time, Cas.” I reached over and turned up the stereo before he could argue with me further, closing my eyes and focusing on nothing but the vibration of the music and the lyrics as they bounced around my head. 

“We’re here.” I blinked a few times before groggily turning to face him. His eyes were soft and gentle, and I didn't let myself look at them for long, turning with heavy limbs to open the door. I stumbled a little bit, still trying to drag myself out of sleep and then a hand was curled around my elbow, steadying me.

“Falling asleep in the car seems to be a habit of yours.” Cas used his hold on my arm to pull me closer to him, wrapping an arm around my waist. I couldn’t help it, I leaned into him.

“S’not my fault, its faulty genes.”

“I see, so your brothers are similarly affected?”

“No, its a strictly X-chromosome related defect.” I tried to detach myself from Cas’ side so he could unlock the door, but he just tightened his grip on me and fished the keys out one-handed.

“Unless there is a very widespread misconception, I believe the X chromosome is shared between both genders.”

“… I’m not awake enough for this conversation.” That earned me a chuckle which pulled a lazy smile from me. Cas didn’t laugh often.

Once we were inside, he tugged me to the couch and sat down close to me when I curled a hand around his sleeve. I was exhausted, and Cas was so warm and so safe, and my eyes were already closing.

“Can I just—” I was already slumping down, curled up with my head in his lap. “Just need five minutes, didn’t sleep well last night.” My words were mumbled into his pant leg, and I nuzzled closer when I felt his fingers card through my hair.

“I know.” His voice was so soft, and I hummed contentedly when I felt a blanket drape over me and get tucked under my feet. His hand never left my head and I was stupidly grateful about that because it was a very nice hand, and I liked feeling the strength in those gentle fingers. His voice started up again in low tones, but all meaning was lost to me. The only thing that mattered was the warmth, and in that, I was not lacking.

* * *

“ _Meg_ , don’t you dare. I mean it.” There was a small pause in the whispered words, and I pulled the blanket tighter around me, ready to fall back into unconsciousness. “Good gir— _what did I say?_ Don’t—!” 

I jolted upright when I heard the crash, nearly knocking heads with Cas. Turning to the origin of the noise, I saw Meg sitting at the top of the bookcase, gazing disinterestedly down at a pile of tiny souvenirs, her paw still outstretched. Cas groaned and let his head fall back onto the top of the couch. He was mumbling grouchily to himself, but I was pretty sure I heard him say, “I brought this on myself” before he lifted his head and turned to me.

“I’m sorry, Y/N, I wanted to let you sleep, but Meg got bored. Something I am learning to avoid at all costs.” I smiled widely at him until it turned into a yawn and I had to stop to rub my eyes.

“Its fine, Cas. Time’s z’it?”

“Two thirty.”

“ _Two thirty?!_ Why did you let me sleep for that long?” Cas didn’t look repentant at all, he just smiled softly at me.

“Because you needed it. Nightmares are taxing.” I was struck dumb for a second while I processed the fact that Cas knew last night wasn’t a one-time occurrence. Of course he knew that. I was saved from responding when he spoke again.

“If it makes you feel better, I slept as well. Not for as long, but that gave me time to start my next book, so I had no complaints.” At the sound of another thump, he turned his head sharply to the right and then swiftly moved to where Meg was about to knock off more stuff. She was promptly scooped up and placed in the hood of his sweatshirt, enraged hissing turning into pleased purring. Cas sighed and then dropped to his knees to check the fallen trinkets for damages before replacing them on the shelf. 

“Won’t she try to jump out?” I didn’t try to hide my smile, I liked seeing how Cas handled her.

“When she wants down, she’ll crawl onto my shoulder and bite my ear. She hasn’t learned to ask for things nicely yet.” I laughed at that before I got up to help him. Everything was pretty much unscathed except for a few dings here and there, his thick carpet was a very good cushion.

When all of it was put back in order, Cas walked straight into the kitchen throwing, “Lunchtime!” over his shoulder, and I only briefly considered arguing before I grudgingly followed.

The rest of the day was peaceful and familiar. Cas cooked, and very intently watched me eat every bite, and then insisted on handling all of the dishes again, even the ones from this morning. I argued to try and help, but Cas won within just a few words, which was a pattern that was gonna get old real quick. Then I was hustled onto the couch to rest and watch a movie, Center Stage this time, and Cas curled an arm around me before I even had to obsess about how to ask. The movie was better and deeper than I expected it to be, and it had a beautiful ending that made me smile into Cas’ chest.

Afterwards we stayed exactly where we were, slumped against each other, and read for hours, not saying a word. I couldn’t say how much time had passed, but when my eyelids started to droop down, Cas nudged me and told me firmly, “C’mon, lets get ready for bed.” I followed him to the bedroom, snagging my duffel bag as I went. But of course, I forgot pajamas.

“Cas would it be alright if I borrowed a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt? I left my pajamas at home.” For a second he froze and I could have sworn I saw a blush on his cheeks before he quickly turned away from me and went to rummage through his dresser.

He returned with a very worn looking T-shirt and grey sweats.

“Thanks, Cas.”

“Of course, Y/N” He smiled at me and then went to brush his teeth to give me time to change.

He came out of the bathroom with the ace bandage in his hands, and gestured for me to sit on his bed while he wrapped it around me. I basked in the decrease of pain with my eyes closed for a few seconds before a gentle touch to my chin coaxed them open. Cas was examining the bruises on my face and made me follow his finger without turning my head a few times before he was satisfied.

“I don’t think I’ll need to bandage the cuts on your face again, they’re healing up very nicely, but I’ll check again tomorrow just to be sure.”

“You do what you think is best, doctor.” I smirked at him before getting up to brush my teeth. It was when I was away from him that I started to realize that going to bed meant falling _asleep,_ and it didn’t take me long to decide that sleeping was not something I planned on doing tonight.

I peeked my head into the bedroom and saw Cas already under the covers with Meg, waiting for me. 

“Hey Cas, I think that nap worked a little too well, I’m wide awake right now, so I’m gonna go read for awhile on the couch, I’ll come to bed in a bit.” I saw him narrow his eyes at me, but he only said,

“Don’t read too long.”

“I won’t.” I smiled and turned out the light before I settled myself on the couch with my book, and fought against my heavy lids. I didn’t want to see the nightmares that played behind my eyelids, and if I stayed awake tonight I would be exhausted enough tomorrow to sleep without dreams. 

It wasn’t long before I heard the bedroom door open, but I did my best to ignore it.

“Y/N.” I looked up at Cas, trying my best to look surprised and confused.

“Come on, Y/N, its time for bed.” He held out a hand to me, but I ignored that too.

“I told you Cas, I’m not tired.” He dropped his arm and moved a few steps closer to me, a gentle, understanding expression on his face.

“I think you are. You need to sleep, Y/N.”

“And whats the point of that? Why go to sleep when I’m just gonna wake up? Its useless and stupid, and I shouldn’t have to deal with it. I can get by just fine on less sleep, and you can’t come into my life and try to make me better. You can’t _fix_ me, Cas, and you shouldn’t try alright? I don’t need hel—”

“Y/N.” This time, he says my name so softly that I almost can’t hear him over my ranting, but its so soft that I stop mid-word to listen to him. I’m breathing heavy, and I don’t want to hear what he has to say. I don’t want to be told they’re only nightmares, and that even though its hard its still important to face them. I don’t want him to reaffirm for me that I’m a coward for hiding from what scares me, that I should be stronger than this. I don’t want to hear a single fucking word, but Cas doesn’t say any of that.

“I won’t make you face them alone. I promise.” He holds my eyes for a few seconds before he offers me his hand again.

This time I take it.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright sweethearts, one more chapter down! I just wanted to say how touched I am that you guys are reading this, and that I love every one of you. For my commenters, i think its fair to say that you are pretty clearly divided into my patient readers and my impatient readers. All of you, never change alright? My patient, precious ones, thank you for being so sweet and understanding, you warm my heart. 
> 
> My impatient readers, thank you for making my updates one of the things you're passionate about, and encouraging me when I need it. You guys literally do not need to apologize for that alright? I can tell when a message is joking or not, and unless you are commenting to say the chapter sucked (which you still can do), then i can guarantee that I'm not going to be upset about it. If updates are taking too long for you, you can crank up the heat on me, crack the whip, tell me to get my ass in gear, the only thing you'll do is make me laugh and maybe inspire me to write faster, alright? 
> 
> You are all beautiful and important.
> 
> ps. I realize that my character is soon going on the third day without a shower, I promise to fix that. Just pretend she has magic hair that doesn't look too greasy, and that she doesn't smell too bad.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lovelies! Here you are, my gift to you from abroad! I'm studying in Europe right now, and I am absolutely blaming the shitty wifi and very small amount of free time on this long delay. Definitely isn't my procrastination, it could never be that.
> 
> A few things:  
> The days with Cas are just snapshots, so in each day there were both good parts and bad parts, I just highlighted the semi-important ones.
> 
> With Dean and Sam (yes this does contain the dinner scene) don't go into reading this thinking she is going to spill all of her secrets. This is not an end, its a beginning. Think of this as their stepping stone to earning her trust so she'll actually start to believe what they say.
> 
> Also, wow there was so much excitement for this chapter, and I'm sorry if I let you down.
> 
> Alright go read it already ohmygod

Tuesday: 

I could smell myself. “Oh my _God._ ” Horrified, I rolled away from Cas and snagged my duffel bag, running to the bathroom. I cranked the shower as hot as it would go, and stripped down to nothing, only taking the time to brush out my hair before I jumped in.

The water was heavenly, and I just stood under the steam for a few minutes, half expecting the water to turn black as it swirled down the drain. It stayed clear as anything though, most of the grime in my head, but that didn’t stop me from scrubbing every inch of myself with the washcloth laid over the side of the tub.

I didn’t stay in for longer than ten minutes, not wanting to run up Cas’ water bill just because I was indulging myself. Quickly I brushed my teeth and threw on my work clothes, before I tiptoed out to the kitchen. Meg was there waiting by her bowl and I scooped her up before she could start yowling and wake Cas.

“I know, I know, I’m getting it. Calm your fucking whiskers.” Caught between growling and purring, she kneaded her claws into my arms impatiently, not letting up until I had emptied the cat food can into her dish. Then I got an affectionate head butt and back arch before she ignored me completely. “Little shit.” But I scratched her behind her ears anyway.

I wrote a little note to Cas telling him when I would be back before I shuffled on my shoes and closed the door behind me.

The walk to work was just on the edge of too long to be leisurely, but the sunrise was so beautiful I found I didn’t mind. I took a deep breath before I opened the doors and tried to rush past the front desk to the back where the dogs were.

“Ay! Back here, now.” Sighing, I reluctantly trudged back up to the front desk. Jody took one sharp glance at me before turning her attention back to the paperwork in front of her.

“No.”

“Jody, I’m fine. I can—”

“You can take the rest of the week off is what you can do. I better not see you until then, y’hear?” She was staring me down now, and I shifted uncomfortably under the attention.

“Jody come on, you know I’m a good worker. I won’t slack off I promise.” She sighed and turned her chair more fully toward me.

“You think I don't know that? You’ve never once given me less than your best, but this has nothing to do with that.” She reached out to hold my hand between each of hers and I froze at the unexpected touch.

“I’ve asked you before when you’ve come in here hurting, but you’ve never answered me, and you haven't listened when I’ve offered you help. Its been frustrating as all hell, and I’ll be damned before I let you work yourself to death and leave here in worse shape than you came in. If you need a place to go during the day, then you can absolutely stay here but you won’t be doing a lick of work. You’ll sit right there where I can see you, and you won’t even touch the paperwork I have on this desk. Is that what you want?” I hadn’t seen her this serious since that man came in here with his pit bull scarred all over with dog bites and bleeding from fresh ones, and she informed him, “You won’t be taking this dog back to whatever hell hole you dragged him from. He's under my care now which means you have no business here. Get the fuck off my property.”

“No, that isn’t what I want. Jody, I’ve told you, you don't need to worry about me.” 

“Like hell I don’t honey.” She squeezed my hands before dropping them and making a shooing motion towards the door.

“Go on, get. Go take a nap and I’ll see you back here on Monday. You tell whoever made you stay home yesterday a thank you from me, because I sure as hell know it wasn't you.” I rolled my eyes when I was turned around and gave her a backwards wave before starting the walk back to Cas’ place.

The sun was just barely above the horizon by the time I opened the door, and I walked in to find Cas in his sweatpants and T-shirt holding my note.

“You’re back early. Did your boss turn you away?” I toed the back of my shoes to get them off and laid them by the door before joining him in the kitchen.

“Yeah yeah, rub it in, Cas. You were right.” I walked around him to grab Meg off the counter before she could get into the butter.

“I wasn’t—” He cut himself off when he saw my smirk, and then couldn’t seem to stop his responding smile to my teasing. I turned away to the fridge, deciding that I would make him breakfast this morning. I snuck a few glances at him between cracking the eggs and buttering the toast. Every time he was just watching me move around his kitchen with a warmth behind his eyes that made my cheeks heat.

Maybe not working this week wouldn't be so bad.

 

Wednesday:

“Cas, I’m dying here, I need to go out and do something.” He glanced up at me from his book, his expression distinctly unamused.

“Its been three days, Y/N.” I threw my arms up.

“I know, right?! Three days is way too long.” He kept his face blank, but I saw a smile tugging up his lips.

“Get back on the couch, Y/N.”

 

Thursday:

“… what if I only went to the park?” I buried my smile beneath my blanket when his head thumped on the back of the couch with a groan.

“Enough, come here.” Reaching over he snagged the blanket off of me, ignoring my indignant, “Hey!”, and tugged me up by my arm.

“You’re worse than my niece when I tell her no candy.” He pulled out a chair for me and gestured for me to sit down. Curiously, I followed him with my eyes as he started rummaging around the kitchen drawers.

“If you can’t bear to stay still long enough to heal, then I’ll teach you how to play gin.” Sitting across from me, he began to expertly shuffle the deck, even doing that bridge thing I was always amazed at. My eyes didn’t leave the cards.

“Will you teach me how to shuffle too?” I glanced up to see him smiling at me with his eyes.

“Later.” He dealt us nine cards each, and then I listened attentively while he explained the rules of the game. They were simple enough, especially with the kick ass hand I had.

“Don’t feel bad if you don’t get it right away, it took me a few times to get the hang—” I cut him off when I knocked on the table and laid down the King, Queen, and Jack of hearts, four eights, and two threes.

“Keep talking Cas, let me see how many games I can win before you’re finished.” He shook his head at me, smiling, and reached over to shuffle the cards again. I leaned back in my chair, prepping for the challenge I could see in his eyes.

 

Friday: 

“Just because you’re feeling better, which I am not convinced of by the way, doesn’t mean your body is ready for any heavy activity. So no undue stress, you understand?”

“Stop worrying. You’ll be there to help me over all the cracks in the sidewalk, and to pull me out of harms way of any stray crashing planes, alright? Now come swing with me.” I could tell he had more to say, but he let me lead him by the hand over to the swing-set beneath the trees. I dropped his hand fifty feet away and ran the rest of the way there, not checking to see if he tried to catch up.

I was high up after a few hard pumps with my legs and then I was laughing breathlessly while I leaned back and let my hair drag across the ground. I half expected Cas to scold me for almost breaking my neck, but when I looked over he had just as big a smile on his face as I did. 

My laughter died down to a contented silence and I closed my eyes to feel the wind through my hair, hearing nothing but my breath against the air and some cicadas buzzing in the trees. When I looked up I could see the stars peeking through the branches, and the moon shining behind the clouds.

And then I felt my throat get tight and the stars above me got a little bit blurry because it was so beautiful that it almost hurt and I never thought the night would be beautiful to me again. I didn’t look away from the sky, but when I felt fingers thread through my own, I held on tight.

Saturday:

Cas found me by the fireplace when he turned over in bed and realized the mattress was cold. My hands shook only a little when I lifted the hot chocolate to my lips, and I took comfort from the warmth of Meg in my lap. I could feel the fire making my eyes burn, but I wasn’t really looking at the flames.

He didn’t say anything this time, just sat down right next to me, arm brushing against my side.

I took a few sips more before I lowered my glass and looked down, my hands finally still.

“I’m tired Cas.” I whispered it like a secret I had never dared to tell another soul. My eyes closed and a hand cradled my cheek to tug my head against a strong shoulder. A kiss was pressed against my forehead.

“I know. I know you are.” Arms came up to hold me close, to stop me from breaking apart, and I leaned into them, trusting them to do just that. 

I fell asleep when the warmth of Cas surrounding me melted the shards of ice in my chest the fire hadn’t been able to touch.

 

 

Sunday:

My foot was freezing, so I shoved it underneath Cas’ leg to warm it up. Meg started growling in my lap, disliking being jostled, but she calmed down when I brushed over her head. I saw Cas glance over at me out of the corner of his eye.

“You’re wearing a fuzzy sock.” I didn’t look up from my book.

“Yes Cas, I am. Well spotted.”

“We should get your circulation checked.” I cracked a smile at that and wiggled my toes under his thighs, laughing when he tried to shift away from the tickling. Reaching over he squeezed the top of my knee in retribution and I yelped and jerked before I could stop myself. 

“Cas, don’t!” I was laughing harder now, but before I could see what Cas would do with this brand new information, his phone rang from his pocket. He frowned and dug around for it while I tried to quiet myself so he could hear.

“Hello? Yes, this is he.” I was watching him now, curious, but I realized who it was before Cas could even hand me the phone. “Yes, she's right here. Just a moment.” _Mother fucker._

“Its your brother.” I sighed and took the phone from his hands, leaning my head back and closing my eyes.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Y/N.” _At least its not Dean._

“Sammy. Whats going on?”

“I just figured you’d forget about dinner tonight, so I thought I’d remind you.” _How fucking considerate._

“How could I forget the two of you? You just want to meet at my place at 6 and then we can argue about where to go?”

“Perfect, we’ll be there.” _Great._

“Later, Sammy.” Frustrated, I pressed the off button roughly, and set the phone down on the table next to me.

“Do you have to go?” I sighed again and rubbed a hand down my face.

“Yeah Cas, I have to go.” Gently, I detached Meg’s claws from where they were digging into my shirt and set her on the back of the couch. “I’ll go get everything.” I didn’t look back towards the couch, trying to get a handle on the tightening in my chest. I didn’t want to leave.

Quickly, I shoved all of my clothes into the duffel bag and went into the bathroom to clear off the counter. I zipped it closed mechanically and then held onto the edge of the sink for a few seconds. _You don’t deserve him, its good that you have to leave. Its good to be alone._ I walked out without looking in the mirror.

I almost walked into Cas again, but he didn't speak until I had raised my head to meet his eyes.

“You are always welcome here.” The knot in my chest loosened just the tiniest bit.

“Sure you don’t wanna get rid of me?” I chuckled, but I was watching his eyes closely, close enough that I saw them go very very soft when I said that.

“Completely certain. I would rather you stay.” My cheeks heated up and now I was smiling stupidly at the ground. 

"Well, I'll make sure to come back sometime. Maybe we could meet for lunch this week?" 

"I'd love to."

"Alright great, why don't we just meet at your work so you don't have to rush home. Wait Cas, you do have a job right? Why haven't you gone in all week?" How did that not even occur to me?

"I took the week off." Of course he did.

"You took the week off."

"I needed a vacation." I let out a breath, feeling guilt creep up on my shoulders.

"You didn't need to do that Cas." He reached out smiling to take my bag from me and I let him.

"On the contrary, doctors need many vacations, though they rarely get them." I let it go, trying to think of the words to say thank you. I didn't know any big enough.

"Well no more missing work alright?" Not on my account. "I'll just come eat with you at the hospital." 

"You are aware what hospital food entails, correct?"

"Yes Cas, I've talked to the survivors."

"You've never had it yourself?"

"Never stayed in the hospital for longer than a few hours, and I wasn't gonna ask for it." 

"Well then, this will be a milestone for you. I'll make sure they prepare their very worst."

"See that you do." I was smiling at him now, guilt moved to the back of my mind. But it wavered minutely on my lips when I realized this was goodbye. Not a goodbye to Cas, but a goodbye to latching onto a warmth that drove the cold from my limbs, and the end of gentle hands running through my hair after a nightmare. I didn't want to leave.

I reached out first this time, winding my arms around his waist and shuffling in close. He responded immediately, arms tugging me in tighter and a hand cradling the back of my head. For a moment I just closed my eyes, head buried in his chest, and let myself lean into him. I stayed pressed up against him for too long, trying to memorize the way his heart beat, but then I pulled away finding it suddenly very hard to meet his eyes.

"I left my favorite books next to your bed, you should read them. You know, if you want to." Leaning down, I detached Meg from where she was trying to crawl up my pant leg.

"You be good alright? Don't give your papa too much trouble." Up close to my face, she reached out a paw to bat at my hair and nibbled gently on my thumb. I snorted, "yeah, fat chance of that." I gave her one more affectionate scratch behind her ears before I placed her in Cas' arms. 

Hesitating for only a moment, I slung my bag around my shoulder and took a step toward the door. "Alright, I'll see you at 12, Wednesday.” 

"Take care of yourself until then please." There was a furrow between his brows now, and I think he was actually scared to let me leave.

"I always do, Cas.” 

"Yes, that's what concerns me." I rolled my eyes at him again. 

"Good _bye_ , Cas." He smiled at me until I turned around and heard the door shut behind me.

Walking away was difficult for some reason, like there were lead weights tied to my feet. I tried my hardest to think of nothing at all until I got a block away from my apartment and remembered that I only had a few hours to prepare myself for dinner with Dean and Sam. Just enough time to shower and double check that every bruise I had was completely covered in concealer.

I opened my door, thoughts far away on how the hell I was gonna get through dinner, but then I stopped in my tracks. The hairs on the back of my neck were on end and I had that gut feeling that something was off, something was wrong. I whipped my head around towards a sound in the kitchen and crept forward silently, settling into that battle calm that came so easy to me.

I lunged around the corner and threw my elbow towards where I knew their face would be, but it was caught in a big hand that wrapped all the way around it.

“Woah!"

"Goddamnit, Dean!" I ripped my arm out of his hold and slapped his shoulder with my other hand. "What did I say about sneaking into my apartment? What did I say?" His eyes were wide, mouth open and he was lucky that Sam decided to speak for him.

"To not to." I whirled around to see him sheepishly slouching in the doorway.

"Oh so you have ears then, I was beginning to worry." Rolling my eyes I pushed past him into my bedroom to drop off my duffel bag.

"What's with the suitcase?" I didn't pause in putting everything away.

"Work. Jodi was getting after me to pick up all the stuff I've been leaving around, today seemed like a good day." I closed my laundry hamper before turning towards him.

"Remind me why you two are here hours early again?" I didn't miss the way their faces lost every trace of guilt and their mouths tightened.

"Lunch works better, so we figured we'd stop in to see if you were around." My heartbeat picked up when I felt something close to panic in my chest. I needed more time.

"I already ate lunch.”

"Perfect, you'll be just in time for second lunch." I stayed silent for a moment, measuring how hard their facial expressions were. They weren't going to budge on this. 

When I smiled it was all teeth.

"Where to?"

 

_* * *_

 

 

 

 

“Dean, stop it, oh my god.” Giggling, I reached over to try and stop him from shoving the last half of his sandwich in his mouth. It took me a few seconds to register how still they had both become and I realized, too late, that my sleeve had ridden up a few inches.

“What's on your arm Y/N?” My heart stopped before frantically beating against my rib cage. 

"Shit am I still dirty? I'll be right back" I got up on shaky legs towards the bathroom, struggling to keep a casual gait. I very gently closed the stall door before slamming the lock home. Fumbling with the buttons I tore open my purse, reaching for the concealer I had started to keep with me. 

My arms were still covered in black and blue though they were fading.  They were by far the darkest of my bruises. Especially compared to my face which was a very light yellow you could only see if you were looking for it.

I lathered it on, feeling my heart calm a little when all the dark splotches were covered. For just a moment I leaned my forehead against the tile and breathed deeply. But then I pushed off the wall and made myself smile to the mirror before I opened the door.

I kept my sleeves rolled up until I was five feet away and then pushed them down with a shiver, rubbing my arms a little bit for friction. 

"Sorry, you guys didn't really give me a chance to clean up. Me and Cas planted some trees today, I thought I got it all. Guess not." I looked up from straightening my shirt to smile at them, pretending not to see the way their eyes were roving over me.

Sam took a bite of his soup before asking me, "Did you have fun?" He wasn't smiling, and I felt my appetite leave me. 

"Interested Sammy? You should tag along next time. Dean if you come, I’m not responsible for cleaning you up." I shoved a forkful of salad in my mouth and smiled around it, trying to coax the same out of him. For a few seconds he just looked at me, face hard and calculating, and then he smiled. But it wasn't his real smile, it was the smile he used on the sweet little grandmother who accidentally backed into the impala, and on the teacher he just hustled into not writing him up. 

"Since when are you the one cleaning up the mess, kid?" I let out a breath, my smile feeling more natural on my face.

"Fairies aren't real, Dean. I was the one who sewed your clothes together and cleaned up your kitchen disasters."

"Yeah? Who cleaned the hamsters cage for three years after you lost interest in the little rat?"

"I was five!"

Lunch went smoother after that, the laughter less forced and the smiles less fake. I never let down my guard again, but I relaxed a little in spite of the tension. I just had to get through lunch, just had to fend off their accusing stares a little bit longer.

“Okay okay, enough. You can have my coffee maker, but if you so much as mention it to Garth, I’ll kill you.”

“Hows he gonna even notice? He gave it to you three years ago, and all it does is sit on your counter, picking up dust. I’m doing you a favor.”

“I said you could have it! Stop trying to convince me.” I moved the leaves of lettuce around the bowl with my fork, stalling throwing it away. I got through at least half, but the salads here are enormous, and I couldn’t eat another bite. When I looked up neither of their eyes were on me, but staring down at where my fork was twirling through the leaves.

“Not hungry again, kiddo?”

“I told you. I already ate.” It was hard not to sound defensive, and I did a poor job of it. Dean hummed at me disbelievingly with hard eyes, not looking away from my face even as I shrunk backwards a little. My heartbeat picked up in my chest and I knew it was time to leave. I shouldn’t have come in the first place.

“Alright guys, I’ve got shit to do, so I’ll see you later yeah? Don’t be strangers.” I smiled, leaning down to wrap my arms around their shoulders, but when I leaned away Sam caught my hand.

“We’ll walk you back.” Dread twisted up my stomach, making my response just a beat late.

“Miss me already, Sammy?” His smile was tight and I wondered if he could feel my pulse pounding under my skin.

“Of course, Y/N. Every second.” That brought me up short, because he _meant_ that, I could tell. And that just made no sense, because they have each other, they’ve always had each other, and they shouldn’t have room to miss me. A little blindly, I let Sam lead me out the door by the hand until we were on my street. I shook myself out then and recovered enough to reclaim my hand from his grasp, straightening my shoulders.

“Thanks for lunch guys, I’ll get it next time, alright?” I held up my hand, smiling. “No arguments.” Backing up a step I turned around, having already given them my hugs goodbye at Panera, but I didn’t make it more than a few feet before Dean overtook me to hold open the door.

“After you, sweetheart.” For just a moment, I contemplated running, but if this was a part I had to play, I would play it well.

“What a gentleman.” Smirking, I pushed passed him, mentally checking that none of the fear under my skin showed in my gait. My mind was flipping through every kind of scenario on the way up the stairs, and none of them went well. I didn’t think there was a way out of this one for me.

Seconds after I opened the door and stepped inside I heard it slam behind me and suddenly Dean was tugging my hands until I was pressed up close to him and holding me there in an iron grip.

“What the hell, Dean?” Its hard to keep all of the fear out of my voice because I _don’t want them to know this about me. I don’t want them—_

Cold water presses against my forearms, and I look down to see Sam with a wet washcloth, scrubbing so gently even as I start to struggle harder. It doesn't matter, and I should have saved my energy because the damage is done, the concealer is gone and the ugly blue and black is glaring up at all of us. 

The washcloth leaves a trail of water down my wall when Sam throws it over his shoulder, and then he's reaching out and lightly placing his hand over the bruises, fingers clenching a little bit as they confirm the shape. I don’t fight him this time, feeling frozen and horrified and guilty for a reason I can’t explain.

For a few moments nobody moves, and then I make myself glance up at his face. I don’t have a comparison for what I see there, I’ve never seen Sam look as _deadly_ as he does right now. His voice is almost whisper quiet when he speaks, but I flinch at the broken silence anyway.

“What are these, Y/N.” And I know, I _know_ I’m caught but I can’t help it because I don’t want to admit to this, don’t want to _talk_ about this. So I make myself roll my eyes, and drain the tension from my shoulders.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you guys. Relax, I’m not some damsel in distress. I just went rock climbing the other weekend, off-road, and I slipped a bit on the climb up. My partner had to haul me up by my wrists, but I’ll take these over whatever was waiting for me at the bottom. Its nothing.” Dean had looked angered into silence before, but he found his words again, right when I didn’t want him to.

“Damn it, Y/N! Stop lying to us and tell us what the fuck is going on with you!” Tugging on the hands he still held, he forced all of my attention back onto him. “Do you think we haven’t noticed? Haven’t taken these four fucking weeks to remember every sign we missed? You stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped fucking _living_ for Christ’s sake. But that was when you were fifteen, and yet we find _these,”_ He lifts my arms into the air, and I can’t hide them but I want to. “Which can’t be more than a week old. You’ve stopped eating again, and judging by the fact that you fell _asleep_ while we were talking and didn’t even _notice_ I’d say that your sleep is pretty shitty too.” He pauses then, giving me a chance to speak, to say anything, but I can’t move my lips. This is _awful,_ because I know I’m hurting them, but I don’t have the words to make it better. I don’t have anything left to give them.

“Alright honey, come here. Lets sit down to talk about this.” Sam moves in front of me, transferring my hands to one of his and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I’m too stunned to resist, so I go where he puts me on the couch with both of them sitting on the coffee table in front of me.

“When you’re ready, why don’t you start from the beginning okay? We promise not to judge you no matter what you say. We’re on your side, Y/N.” I lean back on the couch and find my voice again.

“No.” 

This time its Dean who speaks and his voice is dangerous. “No?”

“No. Theres no fucking way I’m talking about this with you. Make up whatever theories you want, but leave me out of it.” I tried to get up to leave the room, but a hand curled around my shoulder and kept me exactly where I was.

“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me the bastard’s name.” Harshly, I tore his hand off me and looked up, ready to tell him where to shove it, but there was something on his face that made the anger in my bones cool just the tiniest bit.

“Dean—”

“I mean it. I need you to tell me, okay? Because I can’t take not knowing.” His hand leaves my shoulder to curl into his hair and he paces back and forth in front of me, like its killing him to sit still. “I mean Jesus, did I walk by them everyday? Was I friends with the piece of shit that hurt my baby sister? Just—fuck, I need to know, Y/N.” He stops in front of me, and l feel his eyes heavy on my face. “You tell me if I brought them back to you. You tell me right fucking now.” He’s breathing heavy, and I feel that familiar ache in the middle of my chest clench at the sound.

“Dean.” My voice is very soft. “This isn’t your fault. What happens to me is not your responsibility.”

“You think I give a shit about that? This isn’t about me, Y/N. Tell me. Who it was.” _Don’t think the name. Don’t think the name. Don’t think—_

“Did it cross your mind that I kept it a secret for a reason? That I haven’t talked about it because I don’t want to? Why can’t you respect that?” Dean opened his mouth, ready to be angry, but Sam cut him off.

“This is hurting you, Y/N. Thats become abundantly clear to us, and I’m sorry we didn’t see it before. We want to help you. Please let us.” I wavered under his concern, deflating as the anger drained out of me.

“You can’t help Sam. Not with this.” My eyes dropped down to my hands curling around the hem of my shirt, so I didn’t see them move forward until Dean’s arm came around my shoulders and Sam swallowed my hands up in his. And I don’t know why, but that made it easier to breathe.

“That doesn’t matter, we still want to know.” I looked down at where Sam’s thumb was rubbing against my palm and thought of skinned knees and bandaids put on with kisses, and arms that were always there to pick me up when I fell down.

“I don’t want you to look at me differently.”

“Hey.” I didn’t look towards Dean’s voice, but a gentle hand caught my chin and tilted it up anyway. “Never, sweetheart. Never. You’re my baby sister. Nothing changes that.”

“We aren’t going to blame you, Y/N. We may be angry, but never with you.” After a few seconds I found the courage to glance up at them, and I wished I hadn’t. Their expressions mirrored each other, open and concerned, but I _knew them_ , and I would rather relive my nightmares than see the pain they were hiding behind their eyes. I wanted it gone, couldn’t bear to have them hurt another second because of me.

“Don’t look like that please. I know what you’re thinking and I’m begging you, don’t. Don’t think you’re bad brothers, don’t ever think that. You both always took care of me and I never thanked you but I should have, because you are the best, and there is no one better, and I don't want anyone else. Don’t think you failed me because you didn’t. This is on me okay? I was stupid and its my fault not yours, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m—”

“Hey, hey, thats enough. Deep breaths, calm down.” I didn’t realize I was gasping, chest heaving, but I focused on slowing it down and keeping back the tears I could feel in my eyes. I don’t know when he got up, but Sam came back with a glass of water.

“Here, drink this.” I kept my eyes cast downwards, embarrassed, but reached out to take the cup from his hands. Even worse, my hands were shaking, making little ripples in the water, and I hated it. They shouldn’t see me like this, see me _weak._

“Okay, I think we’re done.” Pushing the glass into Sam’s hand, I moved to get up again but Dean’s arm tightened around me, restraining.

“I don’t think so, sweetheart. Not even close.” Sam sat down again, so he was eye-level with me.

“No more running away from this, Y/N.” His eyes were so sad and I didn’t want to fight anymore. I let myself lean into Dean a little, feeling too heavy all of the sudden. I breathed out a sigh like it was punched from my lungs.

I felt empty.

“Why does it matter? Telling you won’t change it.” I breathed out slow again. “Its done.” Sam moved until he was kneeling in front of me and I didn’t miss the hesitation in his hands before he reached out and laid them over my knees. It made my throat tighten and I hated it, hated that this was already changing how they looked at me.

“This isn’t about erasing what happened, Y/N. Its about acknowledging it so you can move on. Its about letting us help you.” God, how many times was he gonna say that.

“I _have_ moved on.”

“No.” His voice is so quiet now, I almost have to strain to hear him. “You haven’t.”

“You’re certain Sam? Sure you know me as well as you think you do?” I lean away from Dean, anger flowing through me again. It was old anger at all the times their ignorance had twisted barbs deep in my skin, but I couldn’t help feeling it even though it wasn’t their fault.

 

_“I’ve got my own problems guys, leave me alone.” Their laughter hurts, and it makes the air burn too hot in my lungs. “Come on sweetheart, stop pouting. You’re spoiled rotten and you know it.”_

 

_“Give him some slack, Y/N. Dad’s done a lot for all of us. You could try thanking him once in awhile.”_

 

_“You know, Y/N, I’m grateful everyday you’ve never had to deal with the shit me and Dean have. Don’t take it for granted.”_

 

_“Y/N.” He gives a frustrated sigh and I feel my eyes go hard. “You’re just a little naive right now alright? And theres nothing wrong with that, but this is something you won’t understand ’til you’re older. When you’ve had some bad experiences.”_

 

They were children of course, and didn’t realize how deep their words cut me, but I was a child too and even though I don’t blame them and the wounds are old, they still sting.

“Yes.” He sounds so certain, so immoveable, and I was so ready to yell and break his faith in me. To throw in his face all of my failures and the guilt I carried on my shoulders, to shatter the perfect image he had of me, but he cut me off. “I’m sure that no matter what happened to you, it didn’t change who you are. That you are good and kind and loved, yes, of that I am certain.” His eyes didn't stray from my face and I felt the angry words die on my lips.

“How can you say that?” I felt young again, desperately looking for my brothers to tell me everything would be okay. Dean moved his hand up and down my arm, warming the goosebumps I didn’t realize were there.

“Like I said before sweetheart, you’re my baby sister, and my baby sister is _good._ Nothing changes that.” I bit my lip and looked down again, struggling to understand how he could _mean_ that. _They’ll change their minds. After they hear, they’ll change their minds. Maybe thats good though. No more lying or pretending. They’ll know who you really are._

I opened my mouth, trying to find the words and get it over with, but they changed without my permission because I couldn’t bear to lose them too. Even if I didn’t deserve them.

“I don’t really—I um, I’ve never talked about it. I don’t think I’m ready to with you, at least not yet. But I—” Deep breath “I can tell you some things.” I couldn’t look at them now, but they didn't speak, afraid to ruin whatever prompted me to talk. My voice was shaky, but I did my best to pretend it wasn’t.

“Um, okay. So my wrist, right? I didn’t break it falling off the counter. Honestly, I’m clumsy, but I’m not that bad. Its actually a long story, Sam can you hand me the water please?” His face was stony, and I didn’t let myself look for long, trying to keep my head. 

“Thank you. So I was walking through the bad part of town, and I went past this girl on the street corner. She was dressed pretty scantily, and it wasn’t hard to guess what her job was, but you know how I’m good at reading faces? She was scared, and I don’t mean nervous first time jitters, but the bone-deep scared. She didn’t want to be there, I knew it, so I went to talk to her for a bit. She was jumpy, and she kept looking over her shoulder like she’d get in trouble for talking to me, so I kept it short and just wrote down my number for her on an old napkin. I told her to call me if she ever wanted out or needed help, and that no matter the time, I’d answer.

It took awhile, but she did. A few weeks later, she called me in the middle of the night, crying, just saying over and over, “He’s gonna kill me.” I calmed her down enough for her to tell me the address, and then I kept her on the line while I walked over. I guess one of her clients got too rough and she panicked and knocked him out with the bedside lamp. She was scared of what her pimp would do to her, and she was right to be.” I remembered the empty eyes and the hard hands, and being so grateful that Rose called because without me she wouldn’t have survived the night. I took a drink of water to get the bad taste out of my mouth.

“I’d been in the door for about thirty seconds before he burst in. He had two guys with him, and they got the jump on me.” I shook my head at the memory, embarrassed at having been so stupid. “At first he just let his goons do the work, and they got a few hits in, but I took them down pretty easily. He moved in then though, and he was big, bigger than Benny big, and he had his hand around my wrist, twisting, before I could even try to break his hold.”

Subconsciously, I started rubbing my wrist where the cast had been, and if I had been looking I would have seen their eyes glued to the action. “It was a bit touch and go for a little while there, but I got him pinned long enough for Rose to run out. The rest of the girls were just screaming, but one kept her head and called the police. I could hear the sirens getting closer, but two guys were chasing Rose down, and I couldn’t wait and risk them catching her before the police arrived, so I ran after them. I knocked them out easily enough, but she was gone, and I wasn’t about to head back and explain everything to the police. I got the hell out of there.” I took another sip of water, avoiding their eyes.

“I’m still looking for Rose, but yeah, thats how I broke my wrist.” I still wasn’t looking at them, but my hands weren’t shaking anymore and my words were confident. This part was easy to talk about.

“And the bruises?” Dean’s voice is low and dangerous, and this time I make myself look at him.

“I ran into two guys on my way home. They got a bit handsy and I fended them off. Like I said, it was nothing.” I shrugged feeling relaxed and calm, I didn’t even have to lie. I was a bit alarmed to realize Dean was the one shaking now.

“What the fuck happened to you that two guys assaulting you is _nothing.”_ I stared at him for a few seconds with wide eyes, not really knowing what to say.

“I wouldn’t really label this—” I held up my wrists again. “as an assault. I told you, I got away, nothing happened.”

“Do you really—” Sam cut himself off, running a hand through his hair before meeting my eyes again. “Y/N, just because you’ve been through worse, which apparently you have, it doesn’t minimize anything else that happens to you.” This was entering danger territory, and brought my legs up onto the couch, wanting space between us.

“I’m not minimizing anything. It was nothing.” My tone was sharper, and God I just wanted them to drop this. I couldn’t help my flinch when Dean started yelling.

“This is not _nothing_ , Y/N! I mean Jesus Christ, if you hadn’t fought them off, what? They would have _raped_ you?” I cringed again, hating that word. “Would that have been nothing too?” I met his angry eyes with a set of my own, but I let myself calm down a second before I answered him. He was just upset because this was the first he was hearing of this, and he tended to be a bit overprotective.

“I understand you’re angry, but you’re making too big a deal out of this. I get it, I did too.” I ran a hand down my face. “God, it was pathetic.” Deep breath again. “But I was just overreacting and emotional and it was a long day. I was fine in the morning, maybe you should take the night before we talk about it.” For a few moments they just stared at me, and I was feeling increasingly restless.

“Y/N, you can’t possibly— You’ve helped abuse victims half your life, I’ve heard the things you’ve told them. You would _never_ let them brush something like this off, why are you letting yourself?” _Too close, too close, too close._

“Its survivors, Sam. They aren’t victims.” His face is hard now, but Dean speaks.

“Answer the question, Y/N.” Neither of them will look anywhere but my face and I hate the attention, wish I was anywhere but here.

“Because its different.” _Because they didn’t deserve it._

“Different how? Because it seems like the same fucking thing to me.” _Let us walk you back, we’ll get you home safe._

“It just is, can we drop this?” I’m snapping at them and I never fidget, but I can’t help it. My skin feels too tight.

“No, Y/N. Explain it to us.” _C’mere baby, lets get you a drink._

“Because I asked for it! Because I—” I cut myself off, horrified that I opened my mouth.

“You asked for them to hit you?”

“No— thats not what I—”

“Then what were you talking about, Y/N? Tell us.” _Don’t remember. Don’t remember. Don’t—_

“It was—” _Don’t._ “It was a long time ago, it shouldn’t still bother me.” _You’re weak._

“Y/N.” He was waiting for me to look up at him, but I refused. “You should know better than anyone thats not how it works. If you ignore the problem it doesn't go away, no matter how long its been.” _You don’t understand._

“Stop talking like any of that applies to me. It doesn’t.” My eyes felt hot and they stung and I _hated_ this, because it wouldn’t be long before I saw them pulling away from me. And I wouldn’t blame them.

“What, you don’t think you need the same help you’ve given everyone else?”

“No, Sam. I don’t need help because I am _not the same_ as everyone else.”

“You—”

“God, do I have to spell it out for you? I don’t want the help because I don’t _deserve_ it. I don’t have the _right_ to call myself a survivor. There are people that have actually been traumatized and hurt, and me lumping myself in with them? Its an insult to them, and it trivializes their pain. And devaluing what they’ve gone through would make me just as disgusting as the pieces of shit that put their hands on them.” My chest was clenching and sending little surges of pain through my veins and I didn’t know why I was talking, why I was speeding along the goodbye. Except that maybe I didn’t want to lie to them anymore. _Let them see who you really are. Let them leave._

It hurt to look at them, and I had to stop myself from trying to memorize their faces because I already knew every inch of them and thinking about never seeing them again just made my eyes burn hotter. But they weren’t looking at me like they were about to walk away, and somehow that made the burning worse. Dean got up until he was looming over me and then he grabbed my chin tightly so I could look nowhere else.

“Don’t _ever_ let me hear you talk about yourself like that again. You listen to me right now. You’re right, I don’t know what happened but I know this.” He squeezed my chin tighter until I met his eyes with my own. “It wasn’t your fault.” My eyes skated to the side of his face again.

“Hey. I mean it. And all this backwards thinking you’ve got in your head? It stops right now. You don’t wanna tell us what happened? Thats fine, take your time with that, but you understand this. It doesn’t matter what happened. If you were drugged, if you were too scared to speak up, if you decided you didn’t want to halfway through, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters to me is that you didn’t want it and some bastard didn’t listen to you. So get it through your head that whatever you tell me isn’t gonna change my mind on that.” My eyes are really burning now and I can’t stop searching his face for one of his tells, because I know he's lying. But all I see are gentle eyes and a firm mouth.

“I don’t want you to leave.” The words are whispered so lowly that I barely register I spoke them, and I wished I hadn’t. Untold fears should stay secret.

Sam’s hand comes up to my face and brushes something off my cheek with his fingertips. I don’t realize a tear slipped free until his hand comes away wet.

“Thats one thing you never have to worry about, honey. We aren’t going anywhere.” He tries to hold my eyes, smiling sadly, but I don’t think I believe him. My throat keeps constricting and my voice is swallowed up. Im stuck staring up at him, feeling desperate and scared and so heart-crushingly lonely.

“C’mere sweetheart.” The hand on my chin moves to the back of my neck and another slips under my thighs, and I find myself sitting in Dean’s lap and cradled against his chest. Sam’s hand comes up to rub between my shoulders and I just close my eyes and hold on as tight as I dare.

“You aren’t second to us honey, never think that.” I wasn’t sure if I believed that either, but I didn’t let myself think about it just now. Instead I just reveled in feeling safe and maybe a little bit unburdened. Just a little.

After awhile the vice around my throat eased and my chest didn’t feel quite so tight. It was warm though, here between them, and I didn’t want to move.

“Can we be done talking now?”

“For today yes, you can tell us more about it when you’re ready to. We shouldn’t have pushed you, but we were worried. Next time you can initiate talking, so long as you know we’ll be here to listen. But if somebody starts hurting you again, you tell us right away understand?”

“Yes, Sammy.” I breathed easy again, the tension in the room gone, but I wasn’t ready to start our normal banter yet, and I didn’t think they were either. “Can we watch a movie?” I looked to Dean, he was the one who always whined about my selection of films.

“Of course, sweetheart. What do ya have?” In spite of myself, I smiled a little bit at the quick response. I bet I could ask them for anything right now.

“Guardians of the Galaxy is on top of the VCR, if you want.” Immediately Sam got up to pop it in before settling back next to me and placing a warm hand on my knee. Untucking my head from under Dean’s chin, I pulled back to look at him shyly.

“Can I,” My eyes drop before coming back up to his, “stay here?” Its stupid that I want that special comfort only a brother can give, and I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.

“Wouldn’t want you anywhere else.” Arms tighten around me and I put my ear back against his heartbeat, sighing when his chin comes back to rest against the top of my head. 

The movie is a nice change of pace and I like feeling Dean’s chest shake when he laughs. Sam laughs too and occasionally his hand will squeeze my knee, trying to coax the same of me. More than once I’ve had to interrupt their bickering and tell them both to shut up and enjoy the movie, and they do but they scowl at me first, and I didn’t know how much I’ve missed this until now.

When the last battle scene comes on, I try to curl in closer to Dean and I’m not watching anymore because I know I’ll have to get up soon. Just a little bit desperately I try to memorize this feeling that reminds me of bedtime stories read too many times over and hands helping me draw with chalk on the sidewalk and arms throwing me too far into the air but always always catching me.

Dean has to nudge me twice before I realize the credits are over, and then I scramble off his lap because I’ve already indulged myself too much already. When I look at their faces I know they’re planning on staying and I can’t let them. I’ve revealed too much today, no way am I sharing my nightmares.

“Out with the both of you, its past my bedtime.” I make shooing motions with my hands and keep my face in check. I don’t think I really fool them though, Sam speaks up.

“Actually, we wanted to stay here tonight, the cars a bit far.” I’m shaking my head before he's even through the excuse.

“Not tonight, Sammy.” Instantly they both straighten up, looking stubborn.

“Y/N—”

“I just want some space, guys. Thats what I need the most right now.” Dean looks ready to argue, but Sam just nods his head a little sadly. I would feel worse about him believing the lie if I didn’t know what the alternative was.

“Alright, when do you want to meet up again?” I smile at him.

“Why don’t we go back to having no plans and you two just showing up uninvited during the odd hours of the day?” They smile back at me and I can’t help teasing them. “That’ll make it easier for you both to ambush me next time you want to talk.”

“Don’t hide from us and we won’t have to, sweetheart.” He's smiling but I hear the reprimand in his voice, so I nod my head even though I don’t feel bad about that.

Dean wraps a hand around the back of my neck again and pulls me forward into a hug. A kiss is pressed into the top of my head before he pulls back, smiling a little. Sam’s hug is just this side of too tight, and I can feel how worried he is through it.

“I’m alright, Sammy.” He holds me tighter for a moment before letting go and when he looks at me its sad.

“You will be.” He makes it sound like a promise and I’m more touched than I want to be, but today has put me so far out of my comfort zone its ridiculous. I’m done with feelings today.

“Out.” But I’m smiling.

As soon as the door clicks I let myself sag a little bit. _Coulda gone better, coulda gone worse._

Its not late by any means, but I’m exhausted. I barely manage to take my shoes off before I collapse on the couch. I ache to go where no thoughts can enter, but I’m not that lucky.

I wake up hours later with screams trapped in my throat and search for gentle hands that hold me close, but I’m alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So major plot twist, dinner turned into lunch. Also now there is so many loose ends for me to tie up. We got Rose, John, her first and her seconds assaulters, Cas' family, her birthday present. The list goes on, and this story may never end.
> 
> I want to thank all of you again for being so kind to me, you make my days brighter. 
> 
> A few of you have said that you like this story because you identify with it. So I want to be clear that my character has a very unhealthy view of her abuse because she is still very much hurting from it. So don't listen to what she says on it, listen to what Cas and Dean and Sam say. What happened to you mattered because you are hurting from it, no matter how 'not a big deal' you're trying to convince yourself it was. Don't analyze every second of what you could have done instead, or any mistakes that led up to it, because its not about what you did. Somebody else chose to hurt you, and nothing will make you responsible for their actions. It wasn't your fault. And if you don't believe me because I don't know the whole story, then you can email me and tell me, and I will say it again.
> 
> I'm off to France this weekend, and I'll plan where to make the plot go from here. I love you all and you all make me happy. <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, I'm the worst. Here you are lovelies, so sorry. I get home in two weeks, and I am going to very lightly whisper that I might be able to have more regular updates then, but don't bet on that because as stated above ^ (I'm the worst)
> 
> Plot is inching along, I've been awful and writing ahead chapters instead of the current one, and I'm really excited to show you guys where the plot goes.
> 
> Also, it is 2:42 in the morning over here, and the only reason i'm posting this now is because if I didn't it would be another three weeks. So if there are any mistakes (there probably are) please feel free to laugh at them loudly and openly and I will fix them later.
> 
> Okay, go read it, shoo.

_“Don’t worry Sugar, you’ll like this.”_ I jerk awake before the hands can finish ripping off my pants, and then I’m throwing the sheets off of me and scrambling out of bed. My heartbeat is too loud in my ears, and my ribs burn with every too quick breath. When I run a hand down my face I realize my cheeks are wet, and I am just so fucking tired of this.

“GodDAMNIT!” Nails bite into my palms when I slam my fists against the wall and the pain from it radiates all the way up my arm, but I don’t stop.

“Get. Out. Of. MY HEAD!” My arms slow down and I’m barely putting any force behind the blows now, but I keep hitting my fists against the wall. “Leave me alone, Jesus Christ, leave me alone.” I’m choking on the lump in my throat now, and I lay my hands flat against the wall so I can rest my forehead between them. “Please.” I let my face crumple since its hidden in the safety of the wall, and just breathe until the pain in my hands breaks through the haze in my brain.

My eyes squeeze tighter for a moment before I push all the air out of my lungs and  shove off the wall, stumbling only a little. I’m gentle when I tug the sheets back into place and tuck them underneath the mattress on the end. I take care that no stray drops of blood land on my comforter.

The clock on the bedside table says its 2:46, and I turn off my morning alarms before I leave the room.

I set my stereo to play softly, and let the soothing music wrap around me while I stir the hot chocolate. If I let myself, I would think that it tasted better when Cas made it, but that won’t make me feel any less alone right now, so I don’t think of a damn thing. I grab “Arrows of the Queen” on my walk back to the couch, feeling warmer when I remember Cas snuck it into my bag when he saw me reading it. I catch myself before I look around to talk to him, and instead bury myself into Talia’s world, losing myself in the pages, trying to run out the time before I go to work.

The next night is the same, only this time I reopen the cuts on my knuckles against the dresser next to my bed instead of the wall. I don’t fall asleep again.

Wednesday sneaks up on me, and I feel maybe this side of too excited to see Cas, considering I just saw him three days ago, but I don’t care. I shower quickly and then spend the morning taking out the recycling, and cleaning the windows, anything to run out the time til’ lunch.

My limbs are heavy with exhaustion, but theres somehow a spring in my step when I walk off the bus to the hospital entrance, and I’m already scanning the room for him before I’ve fully stepped through the doors.

“Y/N?” I turn to see him closing the door to some office behind him, and I must be truly tired because I don’t even think its a bad idea to run up and jump to put my arms around his neck.

“Cas! Hey! How are you?” I pull back smiling and keeping my arms around his neck to look at his face. He looks a little bewildered, a little wide-eyed, but pleased if the soft smile curving sideways up his cheek is any indication.

“I’m well. Its nice to see you.” His smile grows and he reaches out to brush the hair out of my eyes like its a reflex he can’t help. His other hand is still splayed low on my back, and it takes me a beat to realize its my turn to talk.

“Its—yeah, its good to see you too.” I step back, blushing, my mind finally catching up to my actions. “You wanna grab lunch now? I don’t want to keep you long.”

“I have time for you, Y/N, I wouldn’t have scheduled today otherwise.” My cheeks may be permanently red at this point, but I’m saved answering by his hand between my shoulder blades pointing me in the right direction.

He sits me at a booth while he goes to get the food, and its probably good that i don't get hungry anymore, because looking at the watery mashed potatoes would have made me lose whatever appetite I had. I can’t help laughing.

“You weren’t kidding, oh Cas I’m so sorry. Thats disgusting.” I have to cover my mouth to try and quiet the giggles since I’m drawing a few eyes around the room.

“For you mademoiselle, only the very best. We have nicely aged green beans, freshly unscrewed from a can two weeks ago, a meat so mysterious no one knows where it comes from, and unfortunately due to a lack of snails, we were forced to mix the remnants of past escargot with the mashed potatoes. Bon appétit.” I’m really laughing now, couldn’t control the volume if I tried. Cas is beaming, looking delighted at my laughter, and after a few more moments I get control of myself a little. Still fighting giggles, I take a generous forkful of mashed potatoes and raise it in a mock toast.

“To your good health, and may your every meal be as lovely as this one.”

“A wonderful blessing, if I ever heard one. Cheers.” He clinks his fork with mine, and then we both slowly bring it to our mouths, watching to see if the other one is actually trying it. Its about as delicious as it looks.

Cas wants to know about the kennel I work at, so I tell him all my best stories of complete disasters, and learn that I can make him laugh too, and that the sound of it does strange things to the bottom of my stomach. It never once crosses my mind that I’m not actually hungry.

I know all about HIPAA laws, but I ask Cas for the stories he can tell me without breaking them and he does. He talks about sewing up kids that had impaled themselves on fences, and taking countless spare change out of people’s throats, and I get lost in the rise and fall of his voice.

I’m listening, I am. The problem is that Cas’ voice is so soothing, and I’ve spent the last week falling asleep to the sound. But Cas is so important and I want him to know what he says is important, so I straighten my back and widen my eyes.

I blink and suddenly theres two hands supporting my neck and thumbs rubbing over the skin in front of my ears.

“Y/N.” My eyes flit back and forth, trying to understand what happened, but they immediately lock onto his face when he says my name.

“How long has it been since you last slept?” I’m still frazzled and caught off guard, but I know the right answer to this.

“What, three hours or something? I don’t know, I didn't look at my clock when I woke up.” His eyes narrow at me, and when I try to turn my head away, I’m held firm.

“I would reconsider lying to me.” _He’s serious._ I swallow and I very much want him to stop looking at me like that, but it doesn’t stop me from saying, 

“Why would I lie? I—” The hand resting on the side of my neck moves to my chin and closes my mouth, a gentle finger pressing against my lips. I could rip my head away if I wanted, but I feel frozen, and instead just look at him with wide eyes. His other hand moves up to brush over the dark circles under my eyes before cupping my cheek, and I must be truly exhausted because I lean into it.

“Have they gotten worse?” I don't understand how he knows me so well, and I close my eyes, hoping to cut off whatever view he has inside my head. I nod a very little bit and the fingers on my chin tighten until I meet his gaze again. His face is angry and sad, and I want to reassure him, smooth out the worry I see creasing his brow.

“Its not a big deal, Cas. I have a bad week every once in awhile before they settle down again. It’ll pass.” I bring my hand up to wrap around his wrist, careful to keep my sleeve over my knuckles, but I don't try and pull his hand away.

His mouth tightens, and I can’t read the expression on his face, don’t have time to before he’s pulling me up by my elbows and holding me steady when I sway on my feet.

“You don’t work until tonight, correct?” He doesn’t wait for my assent, already knowing my answer. “You will sleep until then.” I sputter, ready to argue, but he's already turning away from me, hand sliding down to grip mine firmly, though he stops in his tracks when I hiss at the contact. And its a stupid reaction, rookie mistake, but its not like I was prepared for him to hold my hand, and now he's turning back towards me, and I have no idea what to fucking say.

His hands are quick as they rip back my sleeve and it does look bad, I will admit. The bruising is green and blue, painting my skin from halfway up my fingers to halfway down the back of my hand. My first two knuckles are twice their size and puffy, with angry red scabs where the wall split the flesh open. He just looks at it for a few seconds, and I can see the anger gathering in the tense set of his shoulders before his eyes are scanning every inch of me, looking for injuries, but he finds none.

For a moment he just looks confused, and I foolishly hope he’ll leave it be, but then realization dawns on his face, and his eyes drop back down to my hand, seeing it in a different light than before. Sorrow falls over his face, but theres anger still, hidden in the clench of his jaw, and I can’t look at him anymore, don’t think I could bear to see his face change to disappointment. 

“Y/N…” He whispers, but the horror and pain in his voice is still too loud, and I want to cover my ears, run away. I’m still studying the ground between my shoes so I see him take a step toward me, see his hand raise to tilt my chin up. I don’t fight it, trying to get angry so whatever he has to say won’t hurt as much, but I don’t know how to be angry with him. He just scans my face for a few moments, and I’m holding my breath waiting for him to speak.

“Come with me.” He's telling, not asking, and I duck my head and follow, trying to brace myself for whatever lecture he has planned for me.

“Rachael, give clinic duty to Dr. Milton, she owes me. I’ll be in my office.” 

“Yes, Dr. Novak.” _Dr. Novak. Weird._ He steers me to his office, and then ushers me onto the couch with a hand on the small of my back, and grabs icepacks out of his mini-fridge before kneeling in front of me. He's silent, but gentle when he secures the ice around my knuckles with towels, and I never look away from the knots, but I can see him glancing up at me out of the corner of my eye. When he's done he just rests his hands on top of mine, and I feel his stare burning through my skin. I take a deep breath, mustering up whatever courage I have.

“Go ahead.”

“With what?” He tilts his head at me, and I finally look up at him.

“You know what.” His eyes widen for a moment before he leans closer to me, holding my gaze.

“Y/N, I’m not— I’m not _angry_ with you. Don’t think that.” I narrow my eyes at him, and I’m not sure I believe him even though he’s never lied to me before.

“This isn’t your fault. You’re hurting and you don’t know how to handle it, I could never blame you for that. I’m angry because you had to hurt in the first place.” Thumbs rub over the backs of my hands and I look down at them, trying to understand why he isn’t yelling at me. He’s silent, waiting for me to speak.

“Thats… surprising.”

“What were you expecting?”

“Um…more yelling? Asking me why I’m making my problems worse? Disappointment? I could go on or…”

“The people you base your impressions on should hope to never meet me.” A laugh gets startled out of me but I cut myself off when I see the darkness in his eyes. _He means that._ “And I could never be disappointed with you.” I don’t stop myself from laughing this time.

“Well give me time, Cas.” Theres still amusement in my voice but its dark and biting and I hate it. I don’t remember when my laughs got so empty. I look back at him and he's definitely not laughing with me, eyes narrowed and fists clenched.

“I wish you wouldn’t talk about yourself that way. You would never be so cruel to someone else.” _Of course not, everyone else isn’t a fuck up._ I don’t think its wise to tell him that though, so I keep my mouth shut, and Cas’ eyes follow the tense set of my jaw before studying my eyes.

“You’re exhausted and there will be time to talk about this later. Lay down and close your eyes. I’ll wake you before the nightmares take hold.”

“I’m not that bad off, Cas.” But I lay down and nestle my head into his pillow. It smells like him, and Iwonder how many long nights he's spent here when his shift goes too late. 

I feel him drape his blanket over me and tuck it in around my feet, and his hand runs through my hair once before settling on my shoulder. “Go to sleep, I’ll be here.” His fingers squeeze gently before he moves away, and I take a deep breath and try to settle my mind. I’m safe here, I know that, and I trust him. So its really stupid that I’m scared to close my eyes, but telling myself that doesn’t make me feel any better.

But I can hear his pen scratching across paper, and the pokey springs in the couch feel like they’re cradling me. I let myself sink down into them, and sleep might not come easy, but it does come.

* * *

Hands shake me awake before I can even register that my heart is beating too fast and my breathing’s elevated. A little disoriented, I blink a few times before focusing on the blue eyes inches from my face.

“Your dream was going sour.”

“Thanks.” Digging the sleep hooks out of my skin, I sit up and rub a hand over my eyes. “How long was I out?”

“Five hours.”

“ _Five?”_

“You needed it.” I huff out an exasperated sigh, I’m not going to be able to make him see it any differently.

“Can I ask a favor of you, Y/N?” I glance up to see him looking sheepish for the first time, and I’m pretty sure I would do just about anything he wanted me to.

“Of course, Cas, what is it?”

“I haven’t been able to go home for more than a few minutes the past three days, and I hate leaving Meg alone for that long. If its alright, could she stay with you tonight? I don’t want her to be lonely.” _He's worried about his kitten, thats so sweet._

“Sure, I’d love to. Does she need me to grab anything besides her food?” 

“Maybe just a toy or two so she doesn’t destroy your apartment. Thank you, Y/N, really.” He’s smiling widely at me now and looking so grateful that I feel heat rise in my cheeks.

“Its no problem Cas, Meg’s a sweetheart.”

“There are many who would disagree with you, but regardless, I appreciate it.” Now I’m really blushing, and I hope to God its not obvious.

“Do you have a hide-a-key or something?”

“No, but I have an extra pair in my car, you can just take this one.” He drops his key in my palm, and I curl my fingers around it, trying not to make a big deal out of it. _But this is kind of a big deal, isn’t it? I don’t have a template for this._

“I need to go to work first, but I’ll pick her up right after. And then you can just pick her up when you get off shift?”

“I’m on call for today and tomorrow, so I’m not sure when I’ll have free time, but no later than tomorrow evening. Don’t worry about leaving her during the day, I just wanted her to have somebody with her for the night.”

“I’ll take good care of her, Cas.”

“I know you will.” He’s smiling at me again, and I hear the words he doesn’t say. _I trust you._ My cheeks heat again and I don't think I’ve ever blushed this much in my life.

“I should go, but uh, well I guess I’ll see you soon.” I shift foot to foot, not quite able to meet his eyes, and not quite able to make myself move either. He does so I don’t have to.

Arms curl around my shoulders and pull me in until I’m flush with his chest, and they hold me close until I remember how to raise mine and hug back. I can feel puffs of air smothered in my neck and they make a shiver crawl up my spine from the bottom of my toes. I am so warm.

I pull back first, but this time I let my hands slide down his arms until I’m holding onto his wrists. And then before I can think too much about it, I lean up and kiss his cheek, surprised at the prick of stubble against my lips. His eyes widen for a moment, and then he’s smiling again before hooking an arm around the small of my back to lead me out the door.

Neither of us talk while we walk, and I can feel each of his fingers pressing into my shirt, gently guiding me around the right corners to the exit.

“Y/N.” I look up at him, surprised at the seriousness in his voice and see his eyes already boring into mine. Lightly, he picks up my hands, thumbs touching the ice packs. “These need to be iced for fifteen minutes every hour, and you need to make sure you wrap them with a  towel each time. Can you do that for me?” 

“Cas, its oka-”

“Please.” His fingers are squeezing my palms, and his eyes have a hard, almost desperate edge to them. I’m nodding my head before it even crosses my mind to say no to that face.

“Alright. I can do that.” Theres that thousand watt smile again.

“Thank you. Give Meg my love.” Then he drops my hands and walks back towards his office and I shake my head out before walking to my bus stop. I’m pretty sure I just got played, but I don’t mind so much.

Work passes in a blur, but if Jody notices anything off about me, she doesn’t mention it, and then I’m fast walking to Cas’ place, surprised at how excited I am to see this little kitten.

I barely have the door open before I hear loud meows running toward me followed by a tiny fluff-ball trying to climb up the leg of my pants. I laugh and lean down to scoop her up, cradling her close even though she's kneading her claws into my chest.

“Hello honey. I missed you, I did. Oh yes, very much.” I tickle my fingers on her stomach, laughing harder when she starts bunny kicking me with her back legs.

“Alright, c’mon, lets get your favorite toys. You and I are having a sleepover.” She's not very much help with that actually, fussing and growling until I let her crawl up onto my shoulder and purr against my ear, but eventually I get all her stuff rounded up.

“We’re gonna eat at my place, trouble-maker. Your papa’s gonna be so proud of me, eating dinner and icing my hand all in the same day. Maybe he’ll give me some of that catnip I saw him sneak you, huh? With your permission of course.” She purrs louder against my neck, and I keep talking nonsense to her all the way to my apartment, thinking she likes the sound of my voice. 

“I know, I know, you’re hungry. Let me get the damn can open.” Her little head kept butting into my hands, trying to speed me along, though all she managed was to get food all over the place. She didn’t seem to mind though, growling and licking it off the side of the bowl like she thought I would take it away.

“Alright. You go ahead and clean that up while I make mine, little weirdo.” I rake my fingers through her fur before getting up, making her arch her back. I don’t make a big dinner, knowing myself well enough to know I wouldn’t finish it, but the peanut butter sandwich was more than I’d ate without prompting in weeks. 

She's still eating noisily when I screw on the cap, so I set some of her toys out and leave her alone while I get settled on the couch. Its tedious to pick up a sandwich with ice packs wrapped around my knuckles, but I make do.

I stay curled up on the couch with my book for an hour or two, getting riled up and angry at Talia’s tormentors, before I felt a tugging on my hair and looked backwards to see Meg batting  at the strands hanging off the arm of the couch.

“I’m being a bad host aren’t I? C’mere little one.” She grumbled a little about being scooped up so abruptly, but she stayed in my lap happily for a few minutes before getting restless and scrambling to the floor. And then she just sat there staring at me and yowling.

“What? What’s the matter?” I stood up to pick her up, but she skirted out of my reach and walked away from me, expecting me to follow.

“Are you hungry again?” She wasn’t walking toward the kitchen though, but towards my open bedroom. And she must have a routine with Cas set up already or something about sleeping in his bed, but “Sorry sweetheart, I already took a nap today, I’m not sleeping tonight.” I went to grab her again, but she hissed at me so I retreated with arms up.

“Alright alright, you can sleep there, but I’ll be on the couch, trouble maker.” I turned and tried to make myself comfortable again, but she immediately started yowling at the top of her little lungs, and I couldn’t block it out no matter how hard I tried to concentrate.

“ _Megara._ Thats enough. Go play with your toys or something. Or even better, go the fuck to sleep. I’m sure I have that book around here somewhere, I can read it to you if you like.” She didn’t let up though, and after another five minutes I caved.

“ _Alright!_ Jesus H alright, I’m coming. Just stop that.” And she did, clawing her way up my comforter and then settling herself between my legs, purring almost as loud as she was screaming seconds ago.

“I don’t like you very much right now.” But I stroked her along her back and felt myself sinking into the bed bit by bit, in spite of that. I tried to focus on the stars on my ceiling, but I could feel my eyes staying closed longer between each blink, and as much as that scared me, I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

_The alley is darker than it should be, street lamps blown out, and shop windows closed. Theres the sound of footsteps behind me but when I whip my head around no one is there. Something is wrong. Something is—_

I blink open my eyes slowly, trying to understand what woke me up, and then I realize I’m face to face with glowing eyes and a tiny black nose. I pet Meg down her spine softly, feeling the vibrations in her chest that shook me out of the nightmare before it could start.

“Thanks sweetheart.” I wrap her close to me, bury my face in her fur, and let the sound of her purring lull me back to sleep. My last thought is that Cas might be cleverer than I gave him credit for.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I have the time, I'm gonna change the tags to touch-starved. Poor sweetheart is breaking my heart with every chapter, but Cas has got her so I'm not too worried.
> 
> In case it was unclear, she fell asleep while Cas was talking during lunch, and he correctly assumed it had been an unhealthy amount of time since she last slept. And Cas definitely knew that Meg would wake her up from nightmares, and now she has a buddy to watch over her when he isn't there. Very sneaky.
> 
> A quick note that is about as late as this update, if any of my readers are from Brussels. My heart is with you. I've never been so close to an attack before, normally hours and hours away instead of just a day trip. Having that blanket of security ripped out from under me was terrifying, and all I do is travel through there. I can't imagine that being my home, and having nowhere to run to. You are all indescribably brave, and I am in awe of you.
> 
> I hope the sun is shining wherever you are, have a fantastic day lovelies :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, who the hell is writing this thing?!! Its been like a year!!! (I'm so sorry)
> 
>  
> 
> *Also, time skip here guys. Just a few weeks, which is why her cast is gone. I don't want to make their level of comfort with each other unrealistic for the time frame, but I also am impatient, so cue time skip.*

“His surgery run over again?”

“Mmhmm, Dr. Novaks fixing another one of Zachriah’s mistakes currently.”

“You know its just us, Rachael. You can call him Castiel to me.”

“He’s my superior mam', I would never disrespect him in such a way.”

“A sentiment you don’t lend to Zachariah.”

“I can’t imagine that useless man could ever earn my respect, mam’, but if he does I will change my vocabulary appropriately.” That made me grin. I really liked Rachael, even though I couldn’t make her loosen up for the life of me.

“Well hello, Darling. Back to see me so soon?”

“Balthazar, why so surprised? Like I could stand to be parted from you for more than a day.” I leaned forward, grinning wider, as he kissed both my cheeks. 

“Cassie stand you up again? That bastard. You know my door is always open to you, love. You just say the word.” I reached up a hand to pat his cheek, narrowing my eyes.

“He can’t help when the operation takes longer than he expected. People’s lives are on the line here, or is this not a hospital?” Taking my hand from his cheek in both of his, he started peppering kisses up my arm, smirking when I twisted away and swatted at him, giggling.

“And compassionate too. Why does Cassie get you all to himself? How will I go on?”

“I am certain you’ll survive.” Very suddenly, Castiel was standing inches from us looking none too pleased. Must have been a rough day.

“Jesus, Cas. I thought we agreed no more sneaking up on people.”

“I doubt any act on my part could have stolen your attention. Its one of Balthazar’s many… gifts.” Cas was full on glaring at Bal now, though that did nothing to wipe the smirk off his face. Using the arm he was kissing just a moment ago, Balthazar reeled me into his side, laying an arm casually around my shoulders.

“Y/N was just telling me how sweet she is on me, Cassie. So sorry you missed it.”

“What a pity.” Cas’ voice was flat, and I looked between them shaking my head. To be honest I didn’t understand their friendship at all, but everyone gets along differently I guess. Shrugging off Balthazar, I moved towards Cas and wrapped my arms around him. “Hey, Cas.” He pulled me in tighter against him than usual, keeping me tethered to him with an arm firm around my waist even after he pulled away. I looked up at him frowning, trying to tell if something was wrong, but his eyes were still locked on Balthazar. And Bal just looked delightedto have Cas so surly with him. 

“Run along you two, but you better keep a tight hold on that one, Cassie. Wouldn’t want someone stealing her away.” Cas rolled his eyes and tugged me with him when he turned away, hand in the center of my back.

“Balthazar, go put on some proper scrubs that aren’t cut halfway down your chest. We have protocols here.” I couldn’t see him, but I heard his laughter chase after us. Seriously, those two were weird as fuck towards each other. I tilted my head up to look at Cas’ face. His jaw was clenched tight, eyes all squinty-angry, and I could feel his fingers twitching on my skin like they wanted to be a fist.

“Did you two have a falling out? You’re always so tense when he’s around.” He didn’t look down at me, still bristling.

“Am I?”

“ _Cas._ ” I pinched his side, smiling when he jumped. “C’mon. He make fun of your honeybee blanket again?” He looked down at me incredulously, and then his eyes seemed to scan my face, though I have no idea what he was searching for.

“No… Balthazar just enjoys pushing to get a rise out of me. He’s gotten much better at it as of late.” And there were the squinty-angry eyes again, I couldn’t help laughing.

“Oh, don’t be sour. You just have to learn how to dish it out, Cas. I’ll help you. What are we attacking here? The hair gel is easy, but we’re better than easy shots. What about the TitanicDVD I found hidden in his bookshelf?”

“Oh no no, Balthazar is unbearable every time someone finds his new ‘secret’ spot for it. I’m not going through that again. Besides—,” He grabbed my elbow and steered me towards the stairwell, “I have my own way of dealing with him.” I turned to look at him, curious as to why we weren’t taking the elevator. 

“Where we goin’?”

“Now where’s that patience Sam and Dean are always singing your praises for?”

“Okay one, I am exactly as patient as situations call for.” That made him laugh, turning towards me with eyes that knew too much. “And two, never trust anything Sam and Dean say.”

“That seems to work against you in this case.”

“Caaaas.” I was lagging behind, making him pull me along by the hand.

“Come on, I want to show you something.” Huffing, I humored him, picking up my pace.

I was out of breath my the time we cleared the last floor, seriously wondering if he was just being sneaky about making me do my physical therapy, and if so how close to charcoal I was gonna make his lunch next time it was my turn.

I took a little breather, hands on my hips and the little shit was smirking when he went to hold the door for me.

“Oh shut up, that was like twelve floors and you like to run marathons for _fun_ —” I trailed off, looking back behind me at the stairwell as if I hadn’t just climbed twelve flights and we were somehow on the ground floor. Then I reached out, running my fingers through the leaves hanging in front of my face and stepping forward onto dirt. There was too much to take in, vines and flowers and a winding path lined with stones. Crouching, I swiped my thumb over the petals of the daffodils growing there and breathed deep. I looked up at him, saying nothing, catching a tiny glimpse of him watching me before he turned to the horizon.

“I wanted to give them something. I—” He trails off, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. Rising from the ground, I went to stand by his side, looking at the sunset and leaning into his shoulder.

“You are a very good doctor.”

Neither of us said anything for awhile, just watching the colors stretch across the sky, but I knew he was thinking of the little girl who died last week. It was her older sister that was the most devastated, more so than the parents. Cas had ended up with her pounding little fists into his stomach screaming that he should have done better, done more. That she was so sick all the time she never even got to show her the seasons, that she deserved more time. Cas hadn’t tried to catch her wrists, had done nothing more than lower himself until they were the same height, talking lowly to her until the screaming turned to sobbing and she fell into him. He caught her and held her, rocking her gently until she quieted. Offering her the comfort her parents were still too grief-stricken to give.

Cancer kids always hit Cas hard. He never talks about it, but I could tell. He got caught on what more he could have done, and always shrank away from whatever comforting words I had to give.

Excuses only serve to make guilty people feel justified, he would say, that it makes the family’s grief about him instead of them.

He didn’t need to tell me for me to understand what this garden meant.

Reaching for his hand I trapped it in both of mine, smiling at him and tugging him along until he picked his feet up without my coaxing, unthawing from whatever scene had him frozen in his head.

“Come on, tell me which flowers are the honeybee’s favorite.”

* * *

We stayed out there for awhile, just sitting on one of the benches with our shoulders pressed together. I was fine, he gave me his jacket as soon as we sat down, but I could feel him start to shiver a bit against me once the sun disappeared. Standing, I reach for his hand (its too cold, I should’ve brought him in sooner), and pull him up with me. 

“You put those baby bottle pops in your office right?” He side-eyes me. 

“Don’t believe I have.”

“Cas I’m tellin you, those kids aren’t gonna come back for _Andes mints._ ”

“Our job is to ensure they don’t return to the hospital, so I don’t see how thats a valid argument. And you’re forgetting that children love mints.”

“Oh please, they’re like handing out fruit on Halloween, Cas!” He huffs at me, slowly coming out of his head a bit, moving out of the somber air of the garden. I hope it doesn’t always make him sad to come up here.

He catches my arm when I start to go down the stairs.

“Y/N, you did agree to listen to my medical advice. You’ve reached your stairs limit today.” My legs completely healed, my physical therapist actually encouraged me to go back to working out normally and build back up the muscle, and he of course knows that. He just gets nervous when I slide down the banisters.

“Wow. Wow,” I let him usher me away from the stairwell and into the elevator, “you’ve used that twice, _today._ I’m making a limit. You aren’t allowed to guilt trip me more than three times a week. Or else.” He’s smiling while he presses the ground floor button, and I think its worth missing out on zipping down the rails. 

“Of course, Y/N.” 

“Hey! I mean it! Serious, serious consequences. I’m not going to go into them, obviously, this is a place of children, but they’re bad news.” He laughs, unintimidated, and I turn my head in case my lips start twitching up. He thinks I’m joking, but I already have a bag of catnip hidden in my car and I’m not above rubbing it on all his clothes.

The doors ding, and Cas gestures for me to go first. “Let me grab my coat from my office, and then I’ll drop you at your apartment.”

Cas fumbles with the skeleton key to his office and I smirk, remembering the poor janitor Cas caught trying to update his lock to the electrical key pad the rest of the hospital has. But as soon as the door opens, his hands slips off the handle and he stumbles, eyes locked on his desk. I peek my head in, trying to see what had him looking so gobsmacked.

“Cassie!!! You know its funny, Rachael told me I’m not allowed in here without you. Its like you don't trust me, and quite frankly its hurtful. I’m very hurt.” His eyes land on me and light up, looking beyond pleased to see me. “Now hold up, who's this little dime piece you got with you?” The man gets up from where he was reclined in Cas’ chair typing things on his computer to offer his hand to me, and I’m 89% sure I already know who this is.

“Sugar, I can’t imagine who you must be, since I know Cassie here would never dream of hiding who he was sweet on from me. That would be almost like deception, wouldn’t it baby bro?” I stiffened a little bit at the nickname but shook his hand just fine, smiling at Cas’ increasingly annoyed face.

“I’m Y/N, you must be Gabriel.”

“Oh so he _does_ talk about me. Whatever he’s told you, I guarantee you I have ten times worse on him.” He leaned in closer to whisper in my ear, “You wanna hear how a drugged up Cassie sans clothes mixes with a hive of bees?” Cas very quickly put a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder and pulled him away from me, the tips of his ears turning red.

“Enough, what are you doing here? How did you even get in here?”

“Oh please, your lock’s practically an antique, Cassie. Its insulting honestly, beneath a person such as myself.”

“Oh shut up.” Cas rolled his eyes and then pinched the bridge of his nose, looking like he was praying for patience. “Gabriel, I was going to call you back—”

“Ah yes, I completely believe that, completely. Just thought that this deserved a personal visit, if my hunch was right. And look at this? My own Cassie moving on to better and more gorgeous things. Amazing.” Cas’ face was turning a tinge of pink now, and I couldn’t remember what the natural way to hang one’s arms was.

“Gabriel, we are merely very good friends.” Gabriel gave a short bark of laughter before composing himself.

“Oh wow, you believe that. I do too, of course, believe that. Nothing more than platonic about the two of you. A blind idiot could see that, don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Gabriel…” Cas glared at him, the look ruined a little by his crimson cheeks. I chimed in, smiling, deciding Cas had been tortured enough.

“You know Gabriel, I think one of the first things Cas told me about you was the time you locked your 3rd grade teacher in his car and poured garlic and holy water on him through the sun roof because you were sure he was a vampire. Its comforting to know you’ve stopped jumping to conclusions based on your ‘hunches’.” 

“Awww, she calls you Cas, Cassie? Thats precious. New nicknames are so platonic, you gave her one too right? What was it? No wait wait, I remember. It was sweetheart. Or at least thats what the gossip is saying. You’re right, you’re right, I’ve drawn the wrong conclusion here. I am in the wrong.” I started laughing, leaning down on my knees when Cas turned to me, betrayed.

“Don’t give me that look. You never lift a finger when Dean and Sam are takin' digs at me.” I straightened, rubbing a hand down my face to get a hold of myself. “Alrighty. Gabriel you busy? I’ve got burgers at my place. And candies.”

“Oh I like you, Sugar. We’re gonna get along just fine.” He slung his arm around my shoulders, leading me out the door, and I breathed out through my teeth, trying to force my muscles to relax.

For all that I’ve never seen him before, he's certainly popular at the hospital, particularly with Balthazar much to Cas’ exasperation. I hang back a little and watch them. Cas is constantly rolling his eyes and grumbling, but the more I watch the more I see the hidden smiles in his eyes and the fondness in Gabriel’s. This is a tradition between them, the constant banter, a practiced ritual. I know a little of their relationship from the snippets Cas has dropped here and there. Gabriel baked a bunch growing up, but Cas was the only one who got to taste test any of his desserts, and Gabriel was the only one that Cas took to watch his bees in the garden. They played pranks on each other constantly, Gabriel covering Cas’ entire face in Henna while he was sleeping and telling him it was permanent on one memorable occasion, but he was also who Cas ran to when he was scared, the protector. I see that in them now, and I know Gabriel is testing me just as much as he's here to give Cas grief.

Gabriel is watching me too, though not in a way that I think Cas would even notice. I feel his eyes on me whenever my back is turned, and I let him watch me. I let him see my eyes go soft when Cas runs into one of his patients, let him see how I keep myself between Cas and the door, let him see what I’ve shown no one else. _I care about your brother, Gabriel._ _I will keep him safe._

When Cas runs back to his office to grab his keys, I turn around and catch Gabriel’s eyes before they skitter away from me like he wasn’t staring, and raise my eyebrow. He looks surprised for a moment before he smiles slow, blatantly sizing me up and crooking an eyebrow back at me.

I look away first, smiling. I think I passed. Maybe.

Gabriel blasts the music on the car ride home, which normally i wouldn't bat an eye at. But Cas has in his Classical music CD, so hearing Fur Elise loud enough to make my ears ring is a little jarring. Cas tolerates it for maybe thirty seconds before he turns off the music altogether, not looking over to see Gabriel pout at him. 

“Cassie, music is meant to be turned up. Sugar, back me up.” Cas glares at him, and it almost looks like he means it this time. I turn back to Gabriel, trying to focus and stay relaxed. I wish he wouldn’t call me Sugar.

“Hell yeah it is, but Cas is driving so however he wants to play the music is what we get. Thats Winchester gospel right there.” He huffs at me, putting his feet up on the dash before Cas reaches over to shove them off. Gabriel looks like he was expecting that and doesn’t complain.

“Hey, hows the demon? Almost forgot about her.” I kick the back of Gabe’s seat.

“Meg is a goddamn angel, watch your mouth.” 

“ _What!"_ Gabe flips around so his chest is against the seat back, pointing his finger at me while looking offended beyond belief.  "She’s nice to _you_?! You wanna know who got her that cat tower? I did! I bring her gifts, I bring her _food_. I can’t believe—I just—I.” He flops back around, glaring out the window. “I guess being an uncle just doesn’t mean anything anymore.” Cas rolls his eyes, putting the car in park and getting out.

“You’re probably just trying too hard. Cats can tell that kind of thing, and Meg does like to be a little shit when she's in a mood. Sometimes I’ll try to get her out from under my bed when I’m in a hurry, and she won’t budge an inch. I swear I almost need a lasso sometimes.” I smile, holding the door to the stairs for them. “You can see if she’ll let you pet her today.”

“She stays here?”

“Oh yeah, not all the time but sometimes. You’ll have to find her first though, she likes to hide. And don’t be too eager, or we’ll have to fish her out.” We cleared the stairs and I unlocked my apartment, ushering them inside. “I’ll be right in, you two go try the bedroom, I’ll get the rope.” I laughed, closing the door behind them, and turned to go check my mail when I saw Mr. Crowley stopped in his doorway down the hall, looking very unimpressed and judgey. I ran over the last words I said, and how they must have sounded.

“Oh, not like that! They’re brothers!” Now he looked disgusted, backing up to go back into his apartment. “We were talking about my cat! Not like—not like a metaphorical cat.” He shut his door and I heard the lock click. Good. Good first impression, great work.

I grabbed the few letters in my mailbox and then skittered back to the safety of my apartment, cheeks still burning.

Cas looked up at the sound of the door opening and then tilted his head at me, probably wondering why my face was bright red. Before he could ask, Meg came barreling from underneath the dresser Gabriel was on his knees in front of. She ran right to me, doing that adorable, slightly painful thing where she used her claws to climb up my leg.

“Hey trouble.” Purring, she let me pull her up to my chest where she started rubbing her cheek against my chin.

“Are you _kidding_ me with this shit?!” Gabriel shot up from the ground, both palms waving at me and Meg while glaring at Cas. Just as quickly though he threw up his hands, turning his back on us to sprawl across the couch. “I give up. You can keep the ungrateful traitor, Sugar.”

“ _Gabriel.”_ Cas was scowling at him, surprising both me and Gabriel if his raised eyebrows were anything to go by. “Can I speak with you in the kitchen for a moment?” He didn’t wait for an answer, grabbing Gabe’s wrist and all but shoving him through the door.

Meg kneaded her claws into my throat to get my attention, and I sat down on the couch with her, rubbing behind her ears.

“Don’t mess with your Papa I guess, kitten.”

They’re only gone for a few minutes, and I’d like to say I don’t know what they said because I have too much integrity to eavesdrop, but the truth is they were whispering and I couldn’t hear a damn thing even when I strained my ears. They come out with the leftover burgers and fries I had in the fridge already re-heated from the microwave. Cas tries to set the table, but I wave him over to the couch. The table seems too formal, and Meg likes to throw fits when I leave the couch before she's ready.

“I tell you what, Gumdrop, you know how to live. Homemade meals already ready, ice cream in the freezer. I respect that.” I tease him for snooping around my place, but it doesn’t escape my notice that he’s suddenly changed his nickname for me. I watch Cas out of the corner of my eye while we eat, but he's too busy being exasperated with Gabe to give anything away. I dismiss the thought pretty quickly though. Cas couldn’t know that ‘Sugar’ bothers me, I know I’d remember telling him that.

“So we’re about to leave right? And I hold the door for the kid, but he looks shifty, bouncing on his feet and side eyeing the cash register and shit. So I snag his collar and steer him around the corner outside and I say, ‘Kiddo what the hell did you do?’ And he just glares at me, no guilt, no sir and says, ‘I’m not taking them back.’ ” Gabriel leans back puts his feet on the coffee table and immediately Cas pushes them off. “Tell her what you took, Cassie.” Cas sighs, but he's smiling a little bit, trying to bite it back.

“Guinea pigs require more than a grate under their feet. It was animal cruelty.” I start laughing, surprised and not surprised at all.

“How many did you take?”

“…seven.” I laugh harder, picturing a baby faced Cas stuffing guinea pigs in his pockets and up the sleeves of his coat, probably whispering to them about the unfairness of their captivity and promising freedom.

“What did the manager say when you brought them back?”

“Oh we didn't take them back, we got the hell out of there. Cassie wore me down. Went on and on about the importance of not giving money to institutions that mistreat animals, got me all fired up about it too honestly.” He shook his head at his past self, taking a drink of water. “I was stuck with them of course, no way in hell was dad gonna let those hell rats in his house.”

Cas looked affronted. “You loved them.”

“I did _not_.”

“You repurposed your exercise room into an indoor garden for them, and I _know_ you slept in there sometimes.”

“Well what the hell else was I supposed to do with that room? Sweat in it? Be real Cassie.”

“You knitted them sweaters.”

“Alright, who the _fuck—_ ”

“Lucifer told me. Obviously.” Gabriel was half out of his chair, hands leaning on the table, but he sat back down in a huff before picking up a french fry and pointing it at Cas accusingly.

“Fine. I thought of them as less than a complete waste of space, _some_ of the time. But thats just because you were always waxing poetic about them.” Cas didn’t blink.

“Yes I did, and I am not ashamed. They’re precious creatures.” I smiled at Cas, feeling my eyes go soft. What a dork.

“Oh Jesus, stop looking at him like that. He’s gonna pull you into his next pet store coup, just wait. See how cute you think he is then.” I laughed, easily imagining how that would go.

“There are worse things I could be pulled into. Admittedly, none come to mind, but I’m sure theres some.” I gather up the dishes, batting at Cas’ hands when he tries to help, and leave the kitchen door open so they can hear me.

“I’m gonna make an ass out of myself and assume you two want dessert?” I call over my shoulder, I’ve got the cream cream already laid out on the counter.

“Hells yes, sweet stuff. Anything you got.”

“Ice cream would be lovely, thank you.” I smile at the contrast in their responses, making sure to put whipped cream and sprinkles on Gabe’s and cherries on Cas’. I place them down in front of them with a flourish before taking my seat next to Cas.

“Bon appétit.” Gabe digs in immediately, cradling the bowl on his lap and talking with chipmunk cheeks.

“You’re my new favorite. Cassie step up your game.” I laugh and turn to Cas but he's not touching his ice cream.

“Wheres yours?”

“You know I don’t have the kind of sweet tooth you two have, Cas.” He narrows his eyes at me, mouth thinning out. _Bullshit_ his eyes say, but he lets it go and starts picking at his own bowl. Every few bites though he offers his spoon to me, and I indulge him and take a tiny scoop, I know he worries.

As soon as we’re done I glance at the clock, realizing how late its gotten.

“Alright little bro, time to blow this popsicle stand, I got stuffs to do in the morning.” Gabe stretches before grinning at me. “Honeybunch, you are just a delight. I hope you stick around, you can help me keep Cassie in line.” I laugh and stand up too, tentatively going for a hug and relaxing a little when Gabriel welcomes the contact, patting my back.

“I don’t know how much help I’ll be, your brother’s pretty stubborn.”

“Yeah, you’re tellin me.” Cas rolls his eyes, grabbing the dessert dishes and muttering about us meeting being a terrible idea.

I walk them to the door, Meg in Cas’ arms since I ran out of cat food.

“Gabriel, go get the car running, I’ll be right down.” Gabe smirks, eyes lighting up, but Cas cuts him off before he can say anything, shutting the door in his face.

“Are you sure you’re alright on your own tonight? You know I would stay with you.” I smile at him, but I can’t quite meet his eyes for some reason and focus on playing with Meg’s tail instead. She hates that.

“I’ll be fine, Cas. You know they’ve been getting better.” And I’m not even lying, the past few weeks the nightmares have been sporadic instead of constant, I think I’ve finally crawled out of the Bad Spot I’d been stuck in.

Cas is frowning at me, unconvinced and worried. Cautiously, because he's still cautious with me sometimes even though I haven’t figured out how he knows I need him to be, he draws me against him, hand rubbing up and down my spine. Meg is purring on my shoulder where she climbed up from Cas’ sleeve, and I let myself lean into him a little. His arms tighten around me and I have never felt as breakable or protected as when he wraps me close.

“I mean it, Y/N. Its not a trouble, you’re just as far from the hospital as I am.” I smile and pull back. I feel a little off balance, antsy, and I don’t know whats wrong but I know I don’t want him to stay with me right now.

“Its alright Cas, really, go home. I’ll call you if I need you to cuddle the nightmares away, and check for monsters under my bed.” _No I won’t._

His mouth twists and I know he's about to chastise me for belittling my problems, but Meg has had enough and starts growling and trying to climb down from her perch on my shoulder. I put my hand on Cas’ sleeve and let her climb over, before turning Cas around and lightly pushing him out the door.

“Go get a good nights rest Cas, and don’t let her bully you into extra treats. She's gonna get fat.” He doesn’t defend her as I know he would normally, just watches me. I have to look away again.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Cas.” I shut the door and then lean my back against it, trying to understand why I feel like this. I can’t even tell exactly what it is I _am_ feeling. Shaking my head, I go get ready for bed and then curl up under the covers.

The nightmares are a cyclical thing. I don’t know what triggers it or why, but some weeks they get really bad. Those are the weeks that make me shaky, tear me up until I wear paths through my carpet and dents in my walls rather than risk sleep. But it always passes eventually, i’m not sure I could keep on if I didn’t know that.

No, most of the time, it was like a game of roulette. I’d lay my head on my pillow, not knowing what was waiting for me when I closed my eyes. Thats what keeps me alive I think, because as much as I pretend not to, I know I need sleep and I sure as hell wouldn’t get any if I was constantly in a Bad Spot. It scares me though, not knowing whats coming. I’ve been leaning on Cas for that too much lately, everything’s less scary when you’re not alone, but thats a very dangerous thing to become accustomed to. If you let yourself grow weak around someone else, its just that much harder to keep on when you’re on your own again. 

Its dangerous for more than just me too, thats what scares me most. I know what happens to people when I get too close. But I’m not stupid, I don’t make the same mistake twice, I wouldn’t be such a goddamn _idiot,_ and get too fucking attached _again._

I curl up small and pretend its because I’m cold and not because it’ll hurt to stretch out and feel an empty bed.

 

 

_Gabriel, we are merely very good friends._

 

_* * *_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again lovelies, I've returned. I have had to physically chop off 2016's claws from this story and drag it out of Hell Year, so I blame the malicious, sentient year instead of my inability to sit down and type (its not me, its you, 2016)
> 
> Go back and re-read chapters 1-3 if you want to, I've edited them just a little bit.
> 
> I've missed you all <3

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you guys like this or not. Regardless, i'll be posting more :)


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